Thursday, February 23, 2012

Happiness is an ill attempt at self satisfaction-I die a little inside each day...(part 4)

Half way through the day I am out to lunch, but I find it more comforting to stay in and marvel at the emptiness inside. I look across my desk and a thought passes my mind that maybe I should clean myself up, in a weird attempt that maybe it will do some good. As I begin to organize my papers and such I see out of the corner of my eye that gail still sits at her desk just like me eating her lunch. Her eyes graze across mine and it reveals a slight smile that makes me wonder what quite is going on. Was she smiling at me or the notion that I am busy scrubbing my desk clean. As I do find myself doing ridiculous things each day seeing that I found myself in the bathroom combing my hair in front of the mirror just now. I go about this almost everyday in a ill attempt at nothing else but stupidity. Back at my desk I finish up cleaning, organizing and making everything pine fresh. I sit down quietly as only a few stragglers are still making there way around the office, usually the ones who started early or eat here somewhat like me. So sitting here quietly, finishing up my lunch, while trying to look my best periodically looking over to see if she might notice. And the worlds a messed up place I might say so myself. How awkward it is or making it do be to do something as simple as walk over and ask her out to a drink of some sorts. And there might as well be two walls a country and the deepest ocean between us, and with that thought the rest of civilization. Like a mother that gives her child up for adoption, unwanted and unrecognized. Society it seems has a blind eye. But It could be worse, at least I am not on the street. I am not at all a personable person, never knew how to approach others and make friends. The length of my hair makes people think I might be dirty or some tree hugging hippie. I don't know, either or I have succumbed to my fate a few years ago, but with a inkling of hope rising up out of me every now and then. Deep down though all I really want/need is someone by my side to wake up to each morning. It gets lonely at night when your heart is only but one half of a full heart. But enough already of that. For the rest of the day up until my last break I am nervous/paranoid to get up and do anything. This time I get up and head on downstairs to the streets of man across the road to this little coffee shop. I usually don't drink coffee this late in the day but I feel tired, bored, and my legs are sore from sitting so long. Inside I stand in line not really paying to much attention to my surroundings. I order a regular coffee and a pastry and make an attempt to find a seat. But in my surprise it all seems to be taken, except this little two seat table in the back left by the window. The window faces the back alley with this giant weird mural of a blackened cityscape with the red of the sky burrowing over it. A faint figure in white towers over with arms outstretched almost hugging the city in what appears to be some kind of condolence. A prediction of what may come perhaps, or just a overzealous religious man who takes the bible a little to literal. And at that I can feel a presence watching over me as I just than hear this voice call out, "excuse me." I look up as my jaw almost bumps itself upon the table, its gail the girl from the office. She asks me if she can sit down as all the tables are now taken. I tell her it would be my pleasure as my hands can't stop from shaking. I manage to painstakingly get out a how are you doing today, that must have felt awkward and a little creepy as it surpassed the table and met her ears. She looked at me and gave a quiet yet quick okay. I guess maybe she doesn't just like talking, or maybe its me. A five minute pause passes by and I can hear all the words that make up the conversations from the people that surround me. They all move around the room and finally coalese and join each other to make phrases and such that don't make really any sense. Finally I give out a slow sigh and tell her that if she doesn't want to talk it doesn't bother me. She smiles softly and says that that isn't the case," i have never been the one for words". I know what you mean, I have always had trouble meeting people so I have just learned over the years to keep my mouth shut. I tell her this as I try as I might to not to stare. For the rest of the time we just sit there quietly enjoying our coffee and whatnot. And Its oddly comforting, as if we have known each other for years and are quite alright with some periods of silence. And my time here is almost done, as the shop slowly empties into the streets and we all wander our way back to work.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

I want to live forever/ let's all die young/ or how I recently found myself disappearing.. (part 3)

nside, the muffled voices of the masses mix togethor to make a deafening noise of inconsistencies. But there's still a clear path to the front desk, surrounded by pillars, with chairs, tables and people alike just beyond that. And the two girls who sit there look oddly alike, short black haired ladies who might have just been ripped off by the two fairies of mothra, I don't remember seeing them before though, I don't see how I could have missed something like that as I have been here day in day out, but I shake it off as not paying attention and begin to move on my way. Everyday I take this elevator I believe that all the people are of the same likeness, long lost twins, brothers, or the exact same person from different timelines or dimensions. The walls here smell of sweat and wd40. Outside in the office on the 12th floor the lights are staring down unflinching watching all who pass. And I can't see myself in the windows as I make my way down the hall to my desk. I guess that's got to be some sort of sign. My desk now is way of to the back in the left hand corner, the proverbial desert of the twelfth floor. And it sits in ruin as the mess can almost make its way to the ground below. But I get the work done nontheless. Probably why they don't say anything, as they have never heard but a peep about a raise from me or otherwise. I am quite content at doing what's given and going home. The people are absent from about a block radius around my work station. And I can't help but feel like I want to be part of the team. I have tried some many times that have all but ended with failure. Office parties, birthdays, or just generally getting togethor for drinks afterwards. Like a virus people tend to cover there mouths when I happen to be around. I made peace with it quite sometime ago, or at least made them believe so. They have a way of looking right through me as if I am not there. Or a look of complete disgust as if they have just been approached by somekind of mutated animal. I am not quite sure how it all started, I just have a way with people. Its not like I am dirty or anything. I keep very good care of myself. I have to admit at giving up to some degree at some fairly recent point in time. But I still happen upon a shower each day, even if my work space says otherwise. But there's a woman here in the office who reminds me of me, and this story it has taken a quite interesting turn. And she does in the, I might add, sense she doesn't talk to too many people as well. I have tried to approach her at certain intervals throughout the days. Never know really what to say. Always finding my mouth crawling amongst the floor looking for verbal scraps of food. She is not the type of girl most guys go for, but for I am not most guys. Today she is wearing what appears to be a polyester skirt or dress that barely shows the top parts of the calves. On top of that lays a white button up that doesn't seem to fit that well covered by a dark green cardigan that is bound and determined to drown her beneath its bottomless waves of fabric. Even her body language proves shy. As everything she reaches for or perhaps does she stops herself half way in to think about the precautions and maybe consequences. And in all I think she's beautiful. As she glows in distant parts of the corner of my eyes. After some nervous quite laughter and multiple attempts at getting my hands to stop shaking. I get up to pretend to go past her desk way to the left opposite of the windows and the rooms full of supplies in which I will go into for no reason what's so ever. I try to keep my head up high and not watch the floor as I approach and find an odd smile run across my face as I say hello and make my way into small talk. I manage to ask about her day, but she just looks up as if forcing herself to do so and gives a subtle good and fine as she goes right back to her work and ignoring me just the same. And I stand there like a complete idiot, mumble some incoherent nervous nonsense and make my way out. As I turn on the computer it quietly whiirrs itself awake from its long slumber, and immediately shoves its light right into me choking my eyes shut but just for a second. I would peroidically find myself getting bored and strained from sitting here as well all day. So I started to take little micro walks to get my blood flowing once more and stretching the muscles that cramp and twist themselves like some lovelorn womanizing snake. That apparently gets a lot of tail. And the end of the day is still far outstretched. The hours pass at a slow moving crawl, and the people walk around in distant mumbles of a rumbling heart. After about a hour or two I lock up the computer screen and decide to make my way down to grab a quick snack. I find the girl, gail I believe her name is, not at her desk. She must have had the same thought I just had. As a smile makes its way upon me in the thought we might find each other once more. Across the street there is a vendor selling some hotdogs and such, you can get all sorts and variations. I have always been the one to get just mustard on mine. Boring people liking boring things, I imagine.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

the easy way out of a nonexisting endingg

in the lonely life
Of trees..

And incandesant light bulbs.

And the spaces
Between death,
And life.

And somehow madness.

of how what beginsss.
An empty house.

a harmless grin..
The sounds of silence,,.

Of in what just did.

Saturday, February 04, 2012

And i screamd..

And i

with death.

but only did

could you,
Smear from love.

as never will he,

show storm,
an may

as men
   must go

through life
w/ void.