Monday, March 25, 2013

Sitting at tables, staring in silence




"Have you ever seen those movies John?". I ask." You know, the romantic ones, the ones were the guy does something to lose the girl, or doesn't know he likes her in the first place?". He looks up, with a most uninterested expression on his face." Yeah, I might have seen a few, why do you ask?".
"Well". I say." I was just wondering about the whole situation".
"Yeah.. how so?". He says, seemingly going along with the conversation, as if on autopilot." Well for one thing, why do they always show the same period in a relationship, the beginning of it, why not the second half of one?". Apparently perked up, he looks over with furrowed brows." Second half? What In gods name is the second half?".
"The second half". I repeat, as if trying to explain to him in the most nonsensical way possible.   "Usually consisting of about a year or two down the road, were the guy grows tired of the whole charade, and the woman doesn't even come over anymore". He just laughs at this, acting like he is trying to hide it." I think you might be a bit cynical, don't you?".
"No actually, I don't".
"You know". He says." That..that is not the normal run of things right, not every relationship ends up like that".
"Yeah, yeah, I know.. I just, you know?".  Silence now permeates the air for a second, as he sits there thinking on how exactly to proceed, before I break in." Do you think that its possible, for the entirety of the relationship to be like the beginning, you know, at least on the most part. Or is it an inevitability that it will begin to slowly fade in the background of things". He sits there, in a quiet contemplation, just staring at the table in silence." You know". He says, before pausing." I don't know, I really, don't know".

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Like rabbits in the wild as the eagles swoop down from below/how to awaken pt.2


  Well john, for one thing, I have noticed that every time you go off somewhere from any tidbit you might get, he goes down to this old abandoned warehouse on the water near Seymour street".  I crack a smile, even though I realize I might be a bit biased towards this. Even though I am somewhat confused as to what direction he is heading towards." Its probably just a gathering you know, get away from the elements". I say, squeezing myself into the conversation." That's what I figured". Tom says." Until eventually I decided to take a closer look. An you know what I found?".  I finish off the last bits of my sandwich, and move it aside so as to not get in the way. I don't say anything, instead seeping through the long pause waiting for him to reply." Camera's John, camera's". This takes me off guard, an abandoned building, with camera's, that's just.. weird." Are you sure about what you saw, maybe they were old you know. Non functional". I say, trying to find a way to make sense of it all." Come on John, you know me better than that". He tells me, knowing full well I knew the answer before I asked. I pause for a minute, thinking this whole thing through, while Tom just sits there awaiting my arrival back into the mix. As much as I hate to do this, I think this merits a closer look." What would Frank be doing in a place like that, I just don't understand?". I say, basically to myself. But Tom chimes in anyhow." I don't know my friend, but I think we need to find out".   I think about this for a second, and decide that all personal stuff aside, I need to do what needs to be done." Okay, how about tomorrow night before the day ends, we can meet up at the old pier by St John's. Shouldn't be too far from there".   He clutches his hands on the ends of the table and pushes himself up, acting as if there was no other way of doing it, and says." Well than, I will be seeing you tomorrow than wont I. And since its already late, I must push out". I nod back, and he disappears immediately onto the night.
   The moon is out, and the people stir in there respective houses. The chattering of teeth can be heard in whispers as if someone is hiding in shadows, and night in the city is not meant for the faint of heart. Its scary times it is, but I guess fear is only in the eye of the beholder. In the apartment I sit on the couch staring off at blank screens and the pictures that I hung onto the walls. The day keeps coming back to me in reruns, but who knows what tomorrow might hold. I've had to struggle as of late to get up out of bed, everything is easier when your sleeping so there is not a lot if reason to get up and face what life has in store. Of course when your wide awake and pushing yourself against your daily routines, your outlook tends to be a bit different, but sleep still is one of life's great pleasures. I get up and go downstairs across the street for a quick coffee, and there is something pleasantly penetrating about the early morning air. It invigorates, makes you feel as if all is right, an just seems cleaner in the morning for some reason. An today I end up doing something I don't normally find myself doing, every now an than, but still not too often. There is this little family owned grocer a block up and to the left, I pick up a few things and head up to my apartment for breakfast.  The heat of the oven feels nice, it warms the skin, relaxing the muscles. I am making a cheese omelet with blue cheese, black olives, and cut up smoked Ham.  The silence of the apartment almost feels unsettling, you get so used to the noise you forget how nice it can be without it. Since the silence is nice, calming, I decide to not turn on the radio and instead stand here cooking in this noiseless apartment for the remainder of my stay. I am not or never have been the one to stay here all that often, instead opting to go out and be one with the masses. But with all that is going on as of late it's nice to get away. As I have said before, we are not what you would call a typical group or organization. We have no real headquarters, instead going for more of a broken up puzzle. The pieces are scattered throughout but together make a whole. Like a octopus, or a squid. Once one tentacle goes it lets it go so as to not compromise itself as a whole. We do the same, each person is part of the greater system, but if needed be each individual can be cut off and the system could still be intact. Like a personal Internet I suppose. I am but one cog in this machine, an if I do happen to get cut off for any reason, there is no one to help me but myself. Kinda cruel, but its the way it's got to be, the whole is more important than the self. We have our enemies, like everyone does. They are the ones that oppose this idea, that we are but prisoners in our own world. They do agree that there is something beyond the walls of reality, but they think of it as more of a parallel universe type of thing. Multiple earths all stacked up on each other with slight( or big) differences to each and every one. There idea is to invade, steal the resources for themselves. They think of this to be the one and true earth, an that they have every right to take what they think is rightfully theirs. I for one, don't want a war, no matter where the enemy might originate from. Once the omelet is done, I take a seat at the couch to watch a little TV, I don't really watch a lot myself, but I can make a exception, every now an than isn't a bad thing (Everything in moderation, isn't that what people say). Its about noon now, an I would usually by now be out on the town seeing if I can find any leads. Once I actually think about it though, it does seem somewhat pointless does it not. Going around listening in on others on the off chance they may have heard something. If anyone would ask as to what I do for a living, they would probably give me that look. The one your dog gives you when he/she doesn't understand what your telling him(or her)
   So since I am not really at all used to taking some time to myself, I can't help but find it a little boring. I end up sitting on the couch with a few stray dishes piled up on the table in front of me. While upstairs I can hear the sounds of the muffled screams that sound like those two who live up there are attempting to kill each other. they're pretty new to the whole relationship/living together scheme. Haven't found the one spot we have all come to call compromise, to much ego in the both of them. If there is no give and take in a relationship, its not really one to begin with. I for one should know, I have at one point in my life been in one for years. We started dating in high-school, she was one of the girls in the book club, I was a nobody (I guess we had that in common). I wouldn't say I was bullied when I was a kid though, I was really shy though, painfully so. So because of that I kept mostly to myself, having not any real friends, that is, until she happened to cross my path. You always hear those couples that tell people that its them against the world, but I must say, it really did feel like that. We were too lonely souls that were tossed aside by others in a sense. We were together for quite some time, fifteen years if I remember right. Its odd how time can just slip through your fingers unnoticed, in a blink of an eye a decade has faded into memory.
   We got married a few years later, very much in love and ready to start our life together. It turned out that wouldn't last forever, and eventually she started using drugs. She started out small, pot mostly. But after awhile and much to my disappointment, she got started on the harder stuff. Whatever I did seemed to just push her away even more, until eventually... it got the best of her. Its strange how the passing of time can bend the memories of the past, take out certain things and thereby replacing it with others. But that was a long time ago, or at least, it feels that way.
   The clock on the microwave now flashes 2:30, an I can hear the noises outside my window more prominent than before. The couple upstairs have finally stopped there muffled screams,  instead opting for a quick stroll outside, maybe in the park nearby, its hard to say. I myself am getting to that point as well, ready to escape the man made prison and set myself ajar. So I decide to get up and be on my way, like I have said there is this park not to far off. Its almost as if the city planners decided to place a makeshift forest right inside of the city. Its nice actually, even though its not technically inside the walls of the city, its a little outside of town, down by the bay. Its kind of ironic really, that the concrete walls have all but invaded this Grand land only too be stumped by a even more ( in a sense) man made structure. Appeasing the middle blue collared man that yes! Nature is not to be destroyed, but preserved!. Even though all around them those walls are closing in on the membranes of society. Or maybe its just me, trying to talk smart ( or ranting like a madman). Outside, the clouds are just starting to make there way in, covering us over in a blanket of grey.  An the rain gently falls with the quiet soothing sounds of an invading army marching over rooftops, as the people all cover themselves over with rain jackets, umbrellas and other kinds of makeshift covers. I like walking in the rain, and its hard to say why, but there is just something satisfying about throwing your boots off and not worrying about such silly elements. Its like when your watching those old sappy romantic movies, near the end when the guy loses the girl for some reason, and before he decides to get her back by any means, he takes a slow walk in the pouring rain with some sad sap song being played over him. An even though through all this, you just know it's all going work out just fine.  A nice thought really, too bad it wasn't like that in the real world. Usually when I am aimlessly wandering I would find my way into some coffee shop or roadside diner, but today I just wander, an after a while I make it to that said park I was talking about earlier. There was a storm not too long ago(no one got hurt) so in a sense the place is more interesting than ever. You can walk through forested paths and find fallen trees and uprooted bushes and such. It makes it feel more as if your out in the middle of nowhere, lost in the bosom of mother nature. The birds in the canopy are talking to each other in song, and all the insects have but disappeared in search of drier spots. Even in this weather you see people trudging through the mess of rain and inconsistent winds that barrel through you without any prior knowledge of it coming. You have to do this every so often, especially in my line of work where you mostly encounter the darker sides of man. I am  embedded in that part so much you start to miss out on the aspects of beauty that pass you by each and every minute. Sure, I realize they're two sides of the same coin, but sometimes you just have to open your eyes to see what parts you might be missing. Eventually, I find myself on third beach, with the rain somewhat letting up. The water seems to almost throw itself onto the beach in agony, as if its slamming its fists down from a lost loved one, but i have always found the ocean to be quite sad, or lonely (but not today). Off in the distance over the waters you can see the north end. The buildings jut out of the land like pillars, with the mountains looming over behind them. Its getting dark out, an that could mean only one thing, and as I look at my watch I find its getting to be about that time, so I start to make my way back. Its not too far off from here, just back towards the city and to the left following the ocean. I decide upon walking, as I could take the bus but I got plenty of time to waste till I need to be upon the footsteps of the place. Just outside of the park lays a long sidewalk that almost draws a line between nature and the oncoming of man. Cascading hills on one side with pillars of metal an cement on the other. Its actually kind of nice actually, as this side of the city is almost poetic, with fake waterfalls falling down slight brick slopes looking as if the waters could break through at any moment. But as the street gradually takes a left still following the waters, the buildings start to get troubled, an the corners seem to get a bit on the darker side of the spectrum. The place is just up ahead aways, surrounded by the railroads(that in turn are surrounded by fences) and crappy underground parking. I am not sure if you can really call it a warehouse per say, as its a lot smaller, a Bunker I guess, like those ones they keep planes in. Its about that size anyhow.
   I find myself a Tad early, and around these parts there is not too many discernible places to hang out for a while. The warehouse is dark, with patches of grass an dirt encompassing. Doesn't look as if its been used at all in years. Its a perfect cover though, as the sound of the trains derail any other types of noise that might make it's way up. You could do a lot of stuff in there without being heard. So with that being said, its hard to believe that they haven't torn it down at all yet. As I stand there, watching in silence, I can begin to hear the slight shuffling of feet behind me. Turning around i find Tom standing there as if he has been for some time." Hey John". He says." How was the morning off?". He hands me a cigarette that he promptly lights." An how'd you know I took the morning off?". I tell him, as he just stands there, grinning." Well John, we've known each other for entirely too long". He says, as he pats me on the shoulder heading towards the warehouse. There is this broken down fence that somewhat encircles the place. Most of which is full of holes or completely torn down, firmly planted on the ground below.  We walk slowly towards trudging through the dirt, Tom ahead and me behind following. He hides behind barrels and bushes getting ever closer acting as if we are in some James bond movie. As now we are about ten or twenty feet away he motions towards me." John, john". He whispers." Up there, on the corner by the window". He points up, and as I look towards I see the oddest of things. A camera, it just sits there sweeping itself back and forth so obviously out of place. Tom now, seeing the surprised look on my face, speaks up." See John, what did I tell you". An as I sit there, motionless, not saying a word, I can't help but now know he was right. What in the world does a run down place like this need a camera. An what exactly does Frank have to do with all of this. As we both crouch down behind, Tom turns towards me and begins." So". He says." The camera has a more outlaying area to it. If we get to the wall while its to the farthest right, and crouch down back to it we should be able to get passed it an move further around the corner. In which there should be a way in".   I wouldn't be surprised with Tom, if he has tried this already, at least to a point anyway. He likes to make others believe it's a seat of the pants endeavour, but I for one know better.
   As we do this, crouching down, scuttling over below the eye of the camera, I can't help but think of the abnormality of all this. It just seems, like a strange ordeal doesn't it. Two grown men going all spy-like out in this abandoned warehouse. Reminds me of what we used to do as kids out back in the small forest behind our house. We would have make shift guns made out of sticks and it would have us hiding in treetops waiting for our prey, and as our friends eventually show up we would jump down pretending to assassinate just like in those old television shows we used to watch. It was a fun time being a kid, nothing to hold you down, no responsibilities of being a stressed out depression riddled adult like so many of us became. Makes me wonder why we ever wanted to grow up so badly when we were young. I guess its good that for a short time we were never told the true nature of growing up, just so at least we could look back at the better times of our lives, for some anyhow. Now at the door, Tom motions me over as he slowly creaks open the door just enough to peak through." What do ya see Tom, anything?". He still sits there in silence, looking through the cracks in the door not saying a word. He opens the door ever more doughty, until finally its completely ajar." I don't see anything John, nothing. No cameras, no people or life of any kind. Except for the rats that run the place". He gets up now opening the door fully walking in with no worries, me behind him, following, but cautiously." How could this be John?". He says, visibly agitated." How? Why have cameras all around this place just for a empty closet. Not even any God damn bums sleeping". Walking up beside him, I put my arm on his shoulder and say." Its alright Tom, its alright. So you were wrong, nothing to get upset about, it happens to the best of us". I tell him, trying to calm him down, until....
  " But he wasn't wrong John, he wasn't". A voice calls out, from thin air. Me an Tom both turn around, not seeing anyone clearly visible, until out walks Frank, as if appearing from nowhere." Frank, you're here, what's going on?". Still speechless, he walks, (albeit slowly) towards me an Tom." Frank". He says." There is no Frank, at least, not anymore". We both look at each other, a little taken back, an confused." What are you saying?". Says Tom, as Frank begins to circle us like some mad bond villain." Frank is dead,  I am sorry to inform you like this, but we did what needed to be done". As I stand there, in complete disbelief, Tom somewhat backs up towards me. I have seen this stance before, as I have said, we have been working together for quite some time, so I know when he is about to do something that might be deemed as stupid, or dumb. He gives me a slight elbow and nods towards the partially open door about 40 or 50 feet away. Its at this point I slightly grab his arm and ask." What are you talking about Frank, how could you, you!". I say, as if I am trying to make him understand." Be dead? It doesn't add up, doesn't make sense". I am visibly agitated with confusion, have you ever had one of those days or moments when you just have no clue what's happening. Its like stepping in the middle of a conversation and trying to figure out what they're talking about." John, john john, I am not going to stand here telling you the whole story. I have seen those movies too John. An they never end well for my kind". He talks as if he is acting out a play, like he is working for a crowd that isn't there. But i  have known Frank for a long time, so I can say for sure when I say this, but that most definitely is not him. It is, unfortunately, at the point when the whole thing just starts to falls through. An in a flash, I see Tom giving him a swift punch, knocking him on the floor, while almost simultaneously he runs for the door with me just behind. We are not even sure that anyone is following at this point, but we run anyways, like a rabbit in the wild while the eagles swoop down from above. Eventually making it a few blocks out in a dingy back alley somewhere, I turn to Tom (quite agitated at this point) and tell him." What the hell! was that?".  Tom now, with hands on knees looking pretty shaken, or tired says." I know that man, that voice". He says looking at me, like he seen a ghost." Well". I say, not quite sure how to proceed, as I have never seen him like this." Who is he?".  He looks up at me, with sunken eyes." He's.. he's my brother".
   Tom has only spoken of his brother once to me, telling me that he died quite some time ago, he has never told me how though. I guess it doesn't really matter at this point." How, exactly?". I say before pausing." How exactly can this be?". As he wipes the sweat from his brow, leaning up against the walls of the building behind us, he begins." I have no idea, none". He says before changing the subject." We need to hide out, find out whats going on".
  " But where could we go, because who knows how far these people might reach, and I do imagine there are more".
  "Yeah, I do believe you are right. We can go to my place, I have built a cellar there, just in case of emergencies". We end up taking back alleys and side streets, he doesn't live to far away, at least city wise anyways." This is it John, I have the cellar in the back, just follow me". He says, making his way through until we get to the bedroom closet." Of all the places I figured this would be the best, wouldn't think to many people would be looking in here, you gotta be careful you know". He begins moving boxes that pile up from the ground, one of the neatest, cleanest closets I have ever seen I can tell you that. His whole house is like that actually, I have been here a bunch of times and he is either a neat freak, which would kinda make sense giving he can be quite obsessive, or that he is never here. He opens up the latch upon the floor, that opens with a creak and eventual thud when it hits the back wall." So, what do ya think?". He says, as I am still climbing down the ladder.
   There are tables thrown everywhere in every which way, chalkboards and newspaper clippings map out the walls with a lonely television set and dusty red couch sitting in front. It makes me almost think beaker and Dr Bunsen will walk out at any second." Not bad Tom, not bad at all,  makes me wonder why I never seen this place before". He just smiles, an chuckles, as he brings up a couple chairs to the table to the right of the room behind the couch." Take a seat John". He says as he begins to rummage through a few boxes piled up on the back wall. He takes a seat across from me and puts this dingy old shoe box in front of me." This is him". He tells me as he pulls out a few photos tossing them on the table in front of me." This is my brother." He says." He got into the wrong crowd some years ago, you know the whole rebel against society thing. It was funny, he was never like that as a kid. Always the model citizen, an never crossing the line. Strange, how things can traverse". I can see the mourning in his face, as we sit there in silence. After about ten minutes he puts the pictures back as well as the shoe box back on the shelf. An as he sits down I tell him." We need to let the others know, to be cautious, who knows what they might be capable of".
"Your right John, if my brother is too show his face now, he definitely has something on his mind, an we need to find out what that is". Its pretty late now, or fairly early, depending on how you look at it, an we both end up falling asleep in various positions on multiple surfaces. Tom on the couch, me spread out on a few chairs, not that comfortable to say the least. In the morning, when I awake, Tom is nowhere to be seen. So I end up on the couch seeing what's on TV. It only gets basic cable, not that it matters though, it's not like I watch very often. But after about twenty minutes or so Tom finally walks in with coffee and sandwiches in tow." Hey John, good morning, thought I would pick up some breakfast for us". I thank him as he sits at the table across from me." How is it outside?" I say." See anything suspicious?".
  "Oh they're up there John, they're up there. An they are most definitely looking for something.". Tom has been at this for some time(longer than I have) an he knows what he is doing. Most things actually I have learned from him, and he still takes me to school, quite often actually. We both sit there for a few minutes, before he once again chimes in." Oh". He says, as if someone just quickly jabbed him in the abdomen." I let Todd know, he will figure things out and let us know what we should do". Todd is the man on the other side of the computer, one of many. We go to him when there is trouble, its the kind of thing he specializes in." The council so to say". I say jokingly. Tom just look over and smirks. There is really no council, we try to make everyone equal, on the same footing. So we don't have any bosses per say, whenever a decision needs to be made it goes to a vote. Each an every person has their own skill set,and we try to use it to our advantage. An in all of this, what is my skill set, I am not sure really, thoroughness maybe." So, I guess we just sit here and wait". I say." There is not much more we can do John, you know how these things work".  As this might take some time I decide to watch some TV, so I take a seat on the couch as Tom sits at the table going through papers an what not." Hey Tom, do you remember our last conversation, about two days ago or so?". He continues to look at the papers in front of him, an after a few seconds says." Do you mean the conversation at the that little Chinese place".
  "Yeah, do you think these guys found out the true form of reality, they have to be after something right. I know this whole thing kind of took us off track of that, but maybe we slipped accidentally onto something, something big". Tom looks over, puzzled." Well there have always been others John, groups, factions, whatever you wanna call them. But for these people to be unknown to us, makes me think they are hiding something. Just like I was saying before at the so called conversation you brought up, we might have been going towards the wrong idea all along, and too closed minded to see otherwise. But then again, we don't know anything about them, or at this point, if there even is a them at all".  He's right of course, but I have always been the one for speculation. The rest of the day is pretty uneventful, we end up sitting around waiting for the call. It normally doesn't take this long, usually like a hour or two at the most. Tom though has this old dusty record player that he actually forgot about, since with all the dust everything looks somewhat similar. We end up playing old Beatles and doors records while drinking the alcohol that he got from upstairs. All the while Tom goes through old newspapers and such, as the ones he has down here is pretty impressive, piles upon piles I might add. After about a hour or so he chimes in once more." Hey John, look at this?". He tells me moving the paper towards me. At first glance though, I am not really sure what it is that seems so important." What exactly am I looking at?" I ask, as Tom once more points at that paper with even more force than before." This picture John, remind you of anything?". I take at look at it, a small somewhat insignificant picture that resides on the bottom corner of the already crowded paper." Holy shit!". I say, surprised." That is our warehouse".
"The article says that it used to be some kind of  base used for experimental projects mostly. But that was all below ground. The actual warehouse was just a front, something to do with tuna. The truth got out a few years ago apparently, according to the date on this paper. It closed down though, and one of the employees leaked everything. Well, everything he knew anyway, which wasn't everything by the way". At this point we look at each other, with mouths agape, and I finally say." So, we we're in the right place, just the wrong area. I guess all those camera's finally make sense".
"Yeah". He says." I guess so".

Friday, March 08, 2013

Reading a lot of William Burroughs/ (writing exercise)

The depression laden air Cuts through like knife, what is what an how is now, junk filled rooms are burdened by depressed tables, people sit, talk, and slowly exasperate themselves. The wolves surround with many eyes, a love like not, don't know how. Maybe another time she said, discontent, burdened eyes. Arms are heavy. Vain's in junk. The city is disturbing, the house, many windows, got no soul. Lets run like kids I say, I never was, burdened eyes, not like tomorrow.Stanley stands there with arms up in the air, this is the end he says, maybe not, there is always tomorrow, burdened eyes, an discontent.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

"Odd". She said, as her eyes looked away.

"odd". She said, as her eyes looked away, watching the people that are plastered upon the walls of the restaurant. She can't keep her eyes on me anymore, not like the olden days. I guess that's how some things go though right, when you finally make it to the top of the that hill, there is nowhere else to go but down. But the funny thing is, I have never been that person ( while rolling down that hill) to think to just firmly once more plant my feet, get up, an walk back." Oh!". I say." An what is that?". She looks over now, with her eyes deeply ensconced in thought, an says." Nothing, nothing at all".