Sunday, October 09, 2011

lack of # 4our

the sidewalks are covered, engrossed in the human filth we try as we might to forget. and the store windows are blinding, as i sneak through the city as if not to get noticed. and the sky overhead is hardly noticeable, as the city tries its best to seemingly hide the outside world. because everywhere you look it goes on forever. the corners of buildings are now filled with fear, and as i stand here  i wonder if this is all worth it. so i have been doing this for years. and maybe its time to be a man. but i dont know, the world seems like such a scary place. and my teeth hurt, as the thoughts move around my head. after about five minutes pass, i think, you know what. this is were i am going to take myself back. than i slowly turn the corner as if in slow motion and the unrepentive fear is lodged deep down in the dark caverns of somewhere or other. in the first time in almost forever. i start to feel good about myself. but the people are still non speaking, as the loneliness still pulsates within. but i try for now to push it down in this triumphant eventfullness in my own literary evolution. and i have a slight problem with walking around not quite sure what to do with myself. because the city is as such a silent mistress, and i tried to make friends once. lets just say it did not work out how i had once hoped. i guess its better off in the aspects of life i tend to attend. that is usually how it turns out i find, as the citizens occupying the sidewalk have the distinct ability to walk right through me. so the windows are a blaze with the reflection of the windows. after awhile though of scanning the city while taking residence in my own head, i figure its about time i  take a sit down and enjoy the scenery while standing still. and so inside the nearby coffee shop(and yes i know i am addicted) i wait in line to order, in the back of my head the fear is subsiding, as i now order my coffee, double double. i head outside to the patio out front, as the city she dont seem to stop moving. the people coalesce and after watching them for a insubordinate amount of time they begin to be quite difficult to make out one person from the next. but every so often there is just enough room to breath. and as i go to take one final sip from my coffee i find it on the ground after taking a dive as if in exhaustion of being so used and recycled. and i look up and who might you think is probably standing there, the most certainly people i have been trying so hard to not to fear. and so, yet again the fear starts to take over. now flash past the embaressment of bullying to some unknown back alley not too far in the distance. but one might just ask how i could have found myself here. well my friend let me shorten that story for you. we  used to have a class or two togethor back in college, he used to copy tests here and there from me because....... well , hes bigger than i am. and when the eventuality of getting caught came to the fore front. i had no other choice but to tell the truth, you know the bullying and all. and with the possibility of getting thrown out for good, that is what i did. so you can guess what happened to him. dont get me wrong, i didnt want to do it, get him thrown out and all. but a hard choice between my future and what would inevitably happen is really not a very good choice at all, but i knew what i had to do was the right thing. and they did punish me, if i remember correctly it was being kicked out myself for a certain amount of time. or something to that order. and in the back alley the light is absent. so i do what any scared dumb kid would do, i went first. and in the knowing of the possibility of an upcoming (and exaggerated) death, who knows what one might do.

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