lack of #5

and when i wake up god knows where, when, and everything is out of focus. the sweet pugnent smell of disease wafts through the air, i have had the privilege of being here before. and as my eyes slowly begin to come into focus, i find myself in the germ infested filth we have come to call a hospital. and as you may have noticed i have a slight problem with not germs as you may have thought, but the hospitals itself. you also have to admit though, this one is pretty old now. if i do remember it was built in the early seventies. they had one major overhaul in 84 i do believe. but the money lately has just not been there. and the cords an tubes run out of me like a broken down oldsmobile. and the cracks in the windows have outstretched there arms. the fan almost just above me whirr and spin in a quite annoying matter. but the nurses are absent. i can hear them outside the door making there normal sounds as they run back and forth between each and every room. the white paint on the walls are starting to chip, and the floors, i see, have seen better days .  all the beds that surround me are in a most catatonic state as the patients stare at the television, i wonder if they even know that its on at all. as there eyes are unblinking, or it seems that way anyways. i can hear the footprints outside start to get closer, an a young lady nurse walks in and does her rounds of all the other patients. i watch her as she checks the intravenese the trays and hands out some unknown pills every so often.  when she finally makes  her way to me i begin ask her how i  happened to find myself in a place like this. she tells me how someone found me passed out behind some building and pretty beaten up. and her glimmering eyes are in the process of slowly fading. you look tired, she says. and she talks about how i have been here for a night already, and i was brought in last night, but not to worry because its nothing thats all that too serious. some cuts, some bruises but nothing all that broken. and as she walks out she disappears into the white washed lights that don the halls outside my room. i put my head back and look at the ceiling, the lights are buzzing in and out of operation, and the cracks in the tiles are the size of the grand canyon. its quite intricate really, once you start to look at it. as if a whole new world has sprouted out on the ceiling of the hospitals second floor. and i am not really feeling all that tired. so i decide to get up off my feet( i imagine there still working) and take a little stroll around the neighboring halls and maybe visit the food downstairs in the cafeteria. because god knows it doesnt stay with you for all that long. i find myself having a little trouble getting up so i grab the conviently placed cane hanging beside my bed. walking up to nurses desk i let them know i am heading down to the caf and she solemnly moves her head up towards me and nods in a apparent  agreement. and the halls are busy with anticipation. as all the nurses and doctors and people of the dead run,walk and make there way through. but out here the floors do sparkle, the lines on the floor that guide us are more often than not faded and worn out. the walls are peculiarly chipped away at the bottom where i guess the wheels of nameless carts has run a hazard. so i think i may like this hospital, it has a certain charm to it. up aways and around the corner a few people are waiting for the elevator. i take a quick view and we are all sitting, staring for the doors to open. and its kind of odd really, they all look well enough abled(except the woman in the wheelchair) why not just take the stairs, this building only has four levels. so as i give a silent chuckle to myself and make my way to the door situated just about ten or twenty feet from the elevator. walking down the cane i am now using does give me a little difficulty, and maybe the people where right about taking the elevator. and in here it almost seems like i am going down a mine shaft or something. and its oddly calming in here, the hospital i mean, not the staircase. other than my nerves that rest in the back of my head i havent thought to much about what may come when i make my way to the eventuality of the outside world. and i dont think its ever come to this before. i few encounters here and there before but i never found myself waking up in here. as i make it to the main level and start my slow descent to the caf i pass the front doors that lead out. and i pause, just for a second or two. but my nerves rattle around inside, trying to get out. i give off a little sigh and go back on my way. its hard to get over a feeling i somewhat had for most of my life. especially since its been confirmed. and the place is half empty, the people sit staring at the food as they eat in a sort of conversation with a maybe friend, but half of them dont look all that interested in what the other has to say. the people who walk past me leaving are watching, staring, wondering what i may up to. so i decide to get in line because all eyes are all the sudden apparently on me, i guess i shouldnt stand at the door way to long. the people behind the counter are all in the mess running around lazily in a unrealization that its not all that busy. and the woman in front of me is haggling them on details or whatever as she is hunched over holding on to the mace like pole that holds up what appears to be some kind of intravenese. an her face shows her age, and ongoing battles. so i decide to get the clubhouse, and a coffee( of course). as i turn around to take a seat somewhere i get bombarded from little to no traffic, an its hard to get used to this as all the diners and coffee shops in my area or town  is always usually busy. i take a table in the back away from the windows, and it feels quite lonely sitting here with all the people as they have someone all across  from them.  i guess i should be used to it.  buts its not  really something i tend to talk about. and for some reason this place has a warming effect. it probably helps with all the white coats and nurses i feel protected with. but i never had friends in the proper sense when i was young, always felt out of place. as if they never really where my friends in the first place. and the place is starting to get busy, as the sick and diluted swarm in a attempt to push there way through to get the food first. it seems to happen so fast. but i havent really been paying much attention as the time does go quite fast when your all in your head. so it was more than likely a slow build to a convoluted mess. its too bad i missed it. and my legs are starting to lose there balance as i guess i am still a little weak, and tired. well look how this has turned out. the doctors where right all along. and my bones ache, and my legs struggle to get up on there feet. its kind of funny how it just oddly hits you when least expect it. so i finish up the rest of my sandwich as i grab cane and attempt to throw the garbage away. as i make my way out the people are still pushing past me getting ready for the end of the lunchtime rush. i never knew it got this busy. who would have guessed. and as i go i pass the outside doors once again. they still give me a strange feeling at the bottom of my gut. as my nerves start to rack up the so called points as they have a little something to more than likely do with my watery brows. but the doors are creaking open on the surprisingly empty elevator. and so i step in, ready to put this day into the old memory banks. the doors open on the second floor and there are a few people scattered around  waiting for the elevator staring at silvery, scratched, and beaten door reminding at once of the night of the living dead movie. and i imagine its quite tough to move around when you have stuff hanging off of you. entering the room all the other people are sleeping, watching t.v or having quite conversations with loved ones and other family members. i used to have some of those, once just a while ago in a blue moon. and my mom is in a nice town about five hours away called benton. i go to see her whenever i can as she is the only real family i got left. i can hear the people beside me talking about family stuff, getting better and how the flowers surrounding him like a own personal botanical garden. and it starts to smell quite nice in here. as i begin to drift off slowly to  soothing murmurs of loving thoughts and the sweet scent of the outside world without actually being outside. and its nice to fall asleep at once when your not surrounded by darkness. so i cant help but think, everythings going to be more than likely alright.