Thursday, March 08, 2012
And for my heart is being once again freed, from this fleshy silence. And in grain toenails.//
The days seem shorter now, and the pains of reasonable doubt have shuffled off into the murky depths of distant memories, only every once in awhile coming up for air. And I can't remember the last time I felt like this, its oddly unnerving though. But I think I can get used to it nonetheless. And I am already here at work sitting at my desk, with a busy morning behind me of meticously grooming myself trying to look my best. Me and gail have been doing this at work now for about a week. I have been driving myself crazy all morning figuring out if I should ask her out on a real date or not. And as the first break of the day rolls in a strange occurrence happens as we are downstairs across the street having our coffees. She talks. And at length, at least compared to earlier versions of our conversations anyhow. Speaking of life, family and nondescript memories of gone past, she takes long breaks in between without actually saying that much in the first place. She's very poignant and to the point, careful about whatever she says and also stopping herself from saying to much. Fragments here and there as if she hasn't gotten used to the protocols of everyday conversations. Finally I stumble across the actions of asking her out, and she stops almost mid thought giving this look as if she is trying to solve some difficult math problem. She comes back repeating my words while asking if I mean a real date.
I answer with a yes, and she looks at me with some confused eyes, peeking at her watch while agitatingly bringing out that we must go back to work. I got to say I am a bit disappointed at this but its nothing that's all that new. So I give off a deep sigh and follow her upstairs back to work. The rest of the day is slow paced and depressing, everyone here seems to walk in slow motion as I myself is somehow outside of that bubble. I can feel more of a cast out now, watching the villagers, pray, dance, and love as they hop around the proverbial fire. I get more work done now though then normally, as I try to avert my eyes from scanning certain surrounding areas. As lunch comes around I don't have the energy to drag my knuckles outside, so I stay in at my desk while grabbing a few things in from the vending machine in the lunch room. I see that gail is not at her desk, more likely meaning she went to lunch downstairs I am guessing at least. And its quiet in a room full of no people. I should have known this was coming, pushing to hard against surfaces that aren't really there to begin with. The day finally ends dragging its heels against the cold floor. I start picking, and putting away my things as gail in the background does the same. But as I am ready to go I pretend to be busy just so I don't have to pass her by. She is only over ten feet away and I miss her already. As cracks in the floors open up bringing about caverns with broken and fallen bridges peppering the land. And I guess its time to make my way home. I don't think she lives that far from here, as every now and again I can see her walk home in the opposite direction of me. In life and reality the same birds do always sing, and all the buildings appear as ghostly apparitions watching my every movement as if in preparation to pounce. And the people who still walk the streets are but shadows of once past. And at home I can't seem to sit still, pacing back and forth wearing out the carpet behind the couch in the living room as david letterman yells through the tv. I try to sit down but the events of the day keep running around my head,bouncing off my cavern walls giving me a headache. And I can't help but not fall asleep. Trying to calm my nerves I go to the kitchen to make myself a midnight snack, a peanut butter jam sandwich and some grape juice. I sit on the couch staring at the tv trying to forget the actions of the day. Letterman is his usual self, pointlessly funny. His guest today is woody harrelson from some upcoming movie I had no idea about. And finally after about a hour or so at home I feel my eyes start to drift off in the numbness of the unconscious mind. And so it is as I find myself fallen asleep on the couch with the tv on, as I have done once or twice before.