Sunday, December 02, 2012

How to make things even worse for yourself/the slow falsification of reality...(or how to put yourself in a russ meyer film)

*#Day 1

Peering outside through the living room window, the people pass by fast paced and hurried. The months, an years, and days go by as if I am watching some time-lapse video.  An my girlfriend is at home, as per usual. She doesn't come over very often, a understatement if I have ever heard one. As its been sometime now, a year or more. I keep on telling myself to get out, to get away as fast as possible. But for some reasons unknown, I stay, shackled and put out into the cold and oncoming winds. People call me crazy, maybe. But I can never get myself into that first and final step.
  I go to sit on the couch when I hear a knock at the door, an I look back a little confused. As I have no idea who it could possibly be. Opening it I find to my surprise, its the next door neighbor. She just lives a few houses down, I talked to her once or twice, not about much though. "Hey Mister, do you mind if I come in?". She is wearing these short Jean shorts, with dark legging type things(not really sure what they're called). And this green bench sweater with sleeves too long for her arms. Her hair is a dark black with Bangs covering her forehead like drawn curtains." Yeah of course, make yourself at home". She goes an sits on the couch, the television at an almost inaudible buzz. I can see there mouths moving, but cant understand what they're saying. But I pay no mind and sit beside her, nervous and not sure what to say. I look over, attempting to say something. And she is already watching me, an motions for me to not speak a word. Her hand gently clasps my leg caressing it slowly. Its at this moment I find myself frozen, for a mere second. Until she leans over with one hand on my hips as her lips touch mine, and I find myself once again melting. I put my hand on her hips and slowly work my way up her shirt as we make our way to laying down on the couch, its at this point that the sound on the TV jumps to life and I find myself sitting there, with no one to be found. That is, odd, that never happened to me before, I had fantasies, but never ones that felt so real.
   I decide to go out, take a walk, to get my mind off of things. There's this little mall just up a few blocks from my house. I live in the suburbs, so malls around here are fairly prominent. Inside is a burrito place called the spicy chicken are something that I go to quite regularly. The best thing is is that they have a patio out front to watch all the people pass by in differentiating states of panic, or boredom(not unlike myself I guess).
   I pass all the houses that use to stand tall, all stacked up in rows, looking as if they're slouching over from years of neglect. Almost every house has piles of shit on there lawns that are partially covered in the overlaying grass. The paint on many is chipped and rusted out beat up cars line the Street, as that's all anyone can afford. I can't even afford one myself, good or bad. Inside the mall people hang out together yet are secluded. The Tim Horton's facing the main strip is normally a popular spot. Don't get me wrong, this is not a bad place, and I am probably making it out as worse than it actually is.
   I normally get the pulled pork burrito, in which I do get today. I go sit outside and watch life as it happens, or how it appears to be. The sun is out, casting shadows on the street of the buildings that are juxtaposed against the backdrop of the faraway mountains. The clouds that do appear though are mere thinned out versions of there former glory. An the stores around here are actually fairly high end, to a degree anyway. I take a walk up the street towards Hastings, there is a newer store up there called the worn sweater, a weird name I know, but I think there just trying to be hip.
    The place inside is fairly empty, and the sweaters are all lined up on tables that sneak up on you as soon as you walk in. The walls are covered in a colorful array of shirts, jackets and everything else you might Drape upon your body. The girls who work here are pretty good looking, one especially. I have been eyeing her for sometime, I would never do anything(seeing that I am somewhat taken, I suppose) but its nice to know I have a chance. I end up looking around shuffling through the piles of clothes that surround the store like the walls of the castle. An as always one of the store clerks comes up to see what I am up to." Excuse me sir, do you need any help?". Her name tag says Cindy(but its not the one I told you about before) and has short cropped blond hair that kind of makes her look like a boy. She has on this bright red lipstick with a slight mask of blue eyeliner, and striped black pants like the ones all the business type woman wear. On top she has a button up shirt with rolled up sleeves and a blue vest.
   "No, no, no thanks. I am good". She smiles and walks off in no real necessary direction. Wandering around now for a few minutes I find this blue sweater with a red and orange stripe across the chest. I go to try it on in the dressing room in the back. Its one of those ones that seem as if there's a whole other store in the back, that's connected by a short dark hall. The girl I told you about earlier stands in front, as if on guard. An I get a little nervous as I approach. "Would you like to try that on sir?"
"Uh, yes.... please". She turns the other way, motioning me to follow, eventually opening one of the doors. "Just right here, thanks". Inside this little room stands a mirror, that's shifts, shapes, and contorts your body in a almost believable way. I hang up the sweater and begin to take my jacket and shirt off. There is a small bench on the side that I place them on, and its than that I hear voices just outside my door. I stop to listen for a second, its her again, helping someone out. After, she starts to walk back but for some reason stops in front of my door, pauses, than I can hear it slowly open. She walks in, locking the door behind. I try to speak but she covers my mouth with her hand. With my back up against the wall she presses her body against me. Her lips gently caress mine as I succumb to her warm soft skin of the lower back. She sits me on the bench as she backs up a little and starts to unbutton her shirt, grabbing my hands she puts them on her hips and subsequently gets on her knees, and begins to unbutton my pants. Now completely naked(as is she) she gets on top of me as I still sit on the bench, her legs wrap around my body as if she might fall from some unknown height.  An slowly she begins to move her hips with my eyes closed as too not get too excited.
   Afterwards I grab the sweater and continue to the front desk to pay. I see her standing at the till and once more pause as to not so sure of what to say.  "Will this be all sir?".
"Yes, I don't think I can take much more". As I say that she looks up with a odd confused look but quickly shakes it off pretending I never said anything.
  Outside I begin to wonder what just happened, and if it happened at all. I had fantasies, dreams. But that was far too real to be one.  I stand out front of the store, contemplating on going back inside to find out. But what if I was wrong, what if I am right. Either way, what the hell would I say. I decide not to worry about it right now, so instead i take a walk around. There really isn't much to see around here actually. Buildings leaning upon buildings that stretch out over the land that eventually morph into the sometimes run down houses sitting behind. A few blocks up I get stopped by a man, who looks like he just came down off the mountains." Excuse me sir, but would you mind lending me a smoke. It would be much appreciated". For a man that looks like he does, as bad as that sounds, he has surprisingly good manners. "Yeah sure, no problem". All the while I am doing this, I notice everyone that happens to pass our sights to be given us strange looks. Mostly on me though.
  He eventually walks off disappearing between a small crowd of people. An no matter how I look he is no where to be found. There is a school just across the way, and it's getting to be that time of day that the roads and streets get crowded with the sounds of kids, overjoyed with the thought of freedom. The older you get though, the less freedom you seem to have. Its just to bad that some kids tend to waste theirs.
   As it just starts to rain, I decide to make my way back home. Usually I like to do a couple laps around the field behind the school. But with this new development I decide to be on my way.  On the way home the people seem to not be bothered by the rain. I don't see why they would be, everything eventually dries off. The rest of the day is fairly non-eventful, the television stays on most of the day, and thoughts quickly fall as soon as they arrive of the experience I had with the woman in that sweater store. I try not to think about it too much, as it was quite enjoyable, even if it might not have happened.

# *Day 2

My alarm goes off, temporarily ringing throughout my ears even after its been shut down, and shut up. I can already smell the aroma of coffee that makes its way through the house, as I programmed it the night before. I pour myself a cup and turn on the TV, as I watch star trek each an every morning. Much of the morning goes by in basically the same fashion. Television, coffee, refill repeat. Outside the rain is still coming down. Making the noise of tiny feet running up and down all the roof. Only every once in awhile knocking on the windows. I spend most the day inside, as the events of yesterday were a little too strange to bear once more. Of course that first one was a bit off, but pleasant on both accounts nonetheless.
   At about 2 o clock I start to hear the sounds of people outside. As if a group of them is just outside my door. I take a quick look out my front window just to see a crowd gathering around a neighbors house about a block up or so. Out the front door I can get a closer look, and what I see is the house slowly going up in flames. It hasn't appeared to hit all floors yet though, so maybe it just started. I run over with the rest of them like a bunch of curious sheep flocking to the barn once it starts to rain.
   "Is everything okay, did everyone get out". The man standing next me I don't recognize, I almost feel like asking him his name, but as before, with recent events I decide not to. "No, not that I am told. Apparently the kids are still inside, where the parents are, who knows". I watch as the flames grow higher, the crackling sounds surrounding the air as the heat is almost getting unbearable. Its at this point a strange feeling comes over me. Everybody stands around as the lives of who knows who hangs in the balance of the fire department that seemingly decided to take there sweet time. Somethings got to be done, and it doesn't look like anybody is willing to step up to the plate. Taking a look around I take a deep sigh, knowing what is going to happen next, what needs to be done. But that doesn't mean I particularly want to do it.                          
     Running inside I can hear the sounds of surprise that emanate behind me. Kicking open the partially open door I can see the walls on fire inside as the flames climb up eating away at whatever gets in the way. Up ahead through a short hallway is the stairs, to the left of that is the living room. Beyond that, well I guess it doesn't matter. "Hello!, is anyone up there. Call out if you can hear me..... I am here to help". I start to walk up the stairs, as they begin to break down and fall apart on me.  The handrails begin to burn with the smell of the paint and black smoke messing with my head. On the second floor the smoke is even worse. As it all culminates an gathers, trying to suffocate the lungs. I can begin to hear the whimpers coming from up ahead now. That appear to be from one of the back rooms. I remember one of the videos we watched at school. Saying that in a fire you need to get low to get away from the smoke. And as I crawl along the floor, I start to get the feeling that it might give way. With small holes forming everywhere and blackened wood starting to take over. I can almost near the sounds of oncoming death. As I continuously want to give up and go back. I reach up to open the door I think the sounds are coming from. But its hard to hear in all this mess." Is anyone here, can you hear me?". Waiting for a second I don't hear anything... until." We are in here, in the closet".
   There are two kids sitting there, faces all black from smoke. I grab the boy, as he is about four years old or so. The girl next to him has to be about ten, maybe nine. But no matter. Holding onto the boy I take her hand ducking her head below the smoke and head out back a few doors down to the patio. Most everything is engulfed now. My shoes begin to melt and I can just begin to feel what appears to be the back of my jacket on fire. We get outside to the patio(not quite sure how, but we made it anyway). Even the stairs down to the yard are mostly up in flames. But somehow we make it. The kids are crying as they clutch the grass. I take off my burning jacket, and shoes that are half melted. Checking the kids to see if there okay, I find no injuries, thankfully. At that moment the firemen show up grabbing the kids taking them out front to there family that just showed up, and to the safety of the medical staff. As I walk out front, nobody takes any notice. They're all too busy gathering around the two surviving kids and the parents that thank God they are safe. One fire man comes up and wraps a blanket around me, pats me on the shoulder in silence and goes back to what needs to be done. Looking back over to the house, the flames are beginning to subside. So I figure my work here is done, bid adieu, and make my way back home.

# *Day 3

I've got a headache, one of those ones that feel as if your brain is eventually going to blow out the front of your skull. It's hard to even think straight when this happens. I soon force myself awake,  and do as per usual. The same thing every morning, of everyday. At least up to this point in my life anyhow. I find everything just a little off today though, as if something in the fabric has shifted, although just slightly. I don't quite know if its the headache or what, I just have this uneasy feeling. Taking some Advil and coffee, I begin to feel better after some time. Unfortunately though, the uneasiness does not go away. Most of the day is spent at home, watching the television or cleaning house. Nothing all that exciting really. At about 4 o clock, the thoughts of the burnt out house from last night begin to enter the mind. Curiously, I wouldn't mind finding out what happened to it. I left fairly quickly as everyone was fixated on the kids. I start to somewhat pace, not wanting to go out but also wanting to at the same time. Like the two headed fish fighting to swim both ways at once. I decide that since its just down the block, why the hell not. It should only take a few minutes anyhow.
   I find the house all boarded up by police tape, with a small band of construction crews cleaning up the burnt remains of the once standing house. Its a strange sight to see, a pile of black smoldering rubble against a backdrop of fairly decent houses. As if a single bomb dropped on that very house. The sidewalk and parts of the adjacent road are still covered in ash, and all the commotion has all but died off.  With only a small group of people standing out front watching the action take place. "Was this your guys' place? They couldn't save it huh?".  He looks over and smiles, and who I presume is his wife doesn't glance at all. Instead still intent on what's happening with the workers. "No, no its not. But it was going to be. We were just in the process of buying it. I guess its good that we didn't".  We all stand there staring at the now vacant lot in silence. As I am not quite sure what else to say. "Well, at least the family got out okay". He nods his Head smiling, not quite looking over." Yeah definitely, thank God for that. Those fire fighters are pretty amazing aren't they. Risking life an limb for others. For no more than a thank you, crazy".
  This somewhat catches me off guard, taking a second to compose my thoughts and ask him the all important question." Wait a second, a fire fighter saved the kids, are you sure about that?". "Of course, of course". He says seemingly confused by me asking." Everyone was here, they all saw it with there own eyes. The kids were holding him pretty tight afterwards, still a little scared I guess".
     I decide to leave it at that, say my goodbyes, and be on my way. Now I know that the fire fighter saving the kids could just be a misconstrued idea of the goings on of last night. Seeing that he did carry him from the backyard. But I just can't shake the feeling, that uneasiness, that something is just not right. I go home pretty dazed, with my hands starting to shake the more I think about it. The implications of this is... well, well just crazy. As you know I imagined strange things before. But this is the first time a whole huge event took place without me even actually being there, as I thought I was. Did it happen, did it not, its hard to tell. Maybe I am going mad, or maybe I don't even exist at all. Its as if its all escalating, boiling over like a pot of water. Somehow, I end up falling asleep in front of the t.v, with the sounds of white noise lulling me too sleep.

# *Day 4

I am finding it hard to get out of bed this morning. The best thing to do I think is just stay here, secure underneath the warm comfort of the soft sheets. I do think about getting up and going out and whatever, but things just don't make any sense out there anymore. Its safer in here, nothing odd can happen in here if I don't happen to do anything. At least that's the idea. I do happen to get up for random bouts of coffee and bathroom breaks. I close off all the window shades and lock the doors, better safe than sorry I figure. You never know what type or kind of entity might be knocking upon those doors. I can hear the rain begin to fall, or what I perceive as so.
   At about 11 o clock or so I get a text from my girlfriend. She is at work and we haven't talked for days, if you can even think of that as talking. She asks me how my day is and what I am up to.  I gotten to the point where I don't really talk(IE.text) her that much, I just don't see what the point is anymore. She in turn doesn't like this, which she lets me know on a regular basis. But what she doesn't understand is the reasons why. I know we should talk about it, but oh well, whatever. Telling her everything is fine, which I know is a lie, she takes this and tells me one more day till she gets to see me. Where her enthusiasm comes from I don't know. Delusions maybe, so maybe we do have something in common. The rest of the day is spent in an out of bed. Every now and again getting brave enough to peak out the shades of the living room window, but just barely though.
   In the evening, at about 9 o'clock, I get up just to lay back down on the couch, to watch the night away in front of the television. Rerun after rerun of I already seen, makes its way onto the television until Letterman and the daily show come on. An before I know it the sandman has taken me away to the sweet sounds of the imagination. It seems lately everyday almost ends in the same way. During the day though,well that's a whole other story apparently.

# * Day 5

    The next day I awake to the sounds of snoring, which is weird since its not my own. At first I figure its just my imagination, that dream state between awake an sleep, where everything that happens is a might fuzzy. But after going back to sleep(for a undetermined amount of time) I find that it is not, as after awhile I hear the soft spoken words that appear from behind. "Honey, honey get up, we are gonna be late". I get up a little weary an soft eyed. Turn over, confused as to who it might be, and why she is in my bed. As I do find who it is, the shock hits me and leaves me speechless, but just for a minute(or two)." What... what are you doing here, didn't I! Didn't we".
   Its my old girlfriend, I broke up with her over a year ago. Why is she here, I have no idea.  "Its okay, its okay, your just a bit confused, you where sleeping pretty soundly, and you did just get up. Can you go make some coffee, I will be up in a second". She has always talked in a tone that made her sound more excited than she actually is, its hard to describe really, but that's the best I can get. Getting up I take a quick look around the house, going through cabinets, and cupboards and closets to make sure anything else is not my own. You would think I would be freaking out about now, but in the last few days I learned to go with it. I am more confused, discombobulated, more than anything else.
   After the coffee is made I begin to look through the pictures on the laptop. And doing so, admittedly, does begin to freak me out. Every picture I took with my (how to put it) actual girlfriend, now has my ex on it. Everything. Our trip to the zoo, her cabin, even my moms house up in Kamloops. Sitting there staring at the screen for what's got to be about five minutes, she eventually gets up and sits down beside me, with two coffees in hand." So, what do you want to do this morning?". Looking at her, I have so many questions I want to ask. But what if the other life was the dream, what if this is the actual reality. A kind of quantum leap of sorts between the two. Maybe that was what those little episodes were before, you know the whole imagining of events. (Even though it doesn't quite add up). Well, whichever one ends up being true, I figure, it might be best just to play along. 'Cause who knows, this life might very well be better.

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