Thursday, May 09, 2013
her eyes gleam, like the oceans, beneath the sea of a sun-drenched sky..
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror, when you first awake, and wondered who it is exactly that is looking back at you. You get that minute or so of confusion as you are half asleep at the current time, and even though you might be fully awake your mind hasn't quite caught up to you yet. But slowly the brain makes the trip and you eventually recognize the person that stands in before you. What would you do if that feeling never went away, if you had to go through the day, the month, or year feeling like your living in somebody else's body. How exactly would that feel, I would imagine, like an organ, that the body is currently trying to reject.
An what, I could only think, would people's reactions be. Would they notice at all, or would there be some sort of flux in the fabric of reality, like Marty going back in time and changing the future of his family. Only to realize he is the only one that realizes that things have changed. I think about these things at times. How my life might have been different if I had only been better looking, more athletic, or anything else that might find me more attractive to others.
When I eventually go to work that day I can see the nonchalant looks on the eyes of others. Pretty much the same as before. But as I trek ever farther in things take a turn, for better or for worse. "Hey James, your looking good today". She says as she continues to caress my arm." I am good". I tell her." Thanks". She continues to touch my arm, with a look in her eyes that I can't say I have seen before. As if her eyes are gleaming like the oceans beneath the sea of the sun-drenched skies. So as I now sit in the lunch room with the television blaring through the walls of the( I can only imagine) deaf ears of the other employees that stare incessantly like trained zombies, it happens,once again. I know what I saw this morning, but this just seems impossible, doesn't it, like a dream you can't quite awake from. But as with most dreams, they have a tendency towards turning to nightmares, and I can't help but wonder what will happen with this. But also, I cannot help but enjoy it. "James!". She says, as if she is surprised that I found my way back." How good to see you again". Its Jules, this girl that works in the office part of things. She hardly ever says a word to me, usually communicating with scowls and scornful eyes." Oh, Jules". I tell her, in a confused tone." How are things?".
"Good James, good". She tells me, taken back a little, though as she sits there looking into my eyes, I can feel the questions that run through her mind." Is everything okay, you don't seem like yourself". She says to me.
The lunch room is getting busy, as it normally does at this time. People force there way in to get ready for another day of work, and as you look around its hard to find a excited face in the crowd." I am okay, thanks". I say trying to be polite." Its just been a weird morning". Giving off a slight chuckle she chimes in once more." Yeah, I hate those mornings". Outside(of the lunch room) I stand there in tow awaiting the arrival of the exact minute to punch in. I feel like we are all reenacting that one scene from metropolis. But as we all walk back for our daily meeting, a strange feeling begins to crawl over me, and as I take a look around I see customers, and employees alike, glancing over at me with the utmost look upon there faces, as if they are unsuccessfully trying to hide the smile they now support. An as a sudden crooked smile starts to suddenly emerge upon my face, this lady comes up toward me with a big grin. I don't think I have had the privilege, as I do not recognize her. On her name badge that adorns her chest is her name, Jill, apparently. "James!". She calls out enthusiastically." How are you? You still seem to be somewhat sporting a bit of a hangover from last night, huh! We definitely gotta do that! again". I look at her, quite discombobulated, an probably unsuccessfully trying to hide it. As, an I might be mistaken, I was at home last night, doing not much of anything( an most likely I am not mistaken)." Yeah, definitely. I am most surely up for it". At this she smiles, touches my arm, and disappears once more into the crowd of people from whence she came. It has been a weird morning, and its only getting worse. Even now, knowing full well what I saw this morning in the mirror, I got to continually check it up to make sure this isn't some dream state freak-out. As if I am walking on air, it just doesn't feel real, as if everything is a little blurry. Like desperately trying to fix those rabbit ears on your TV to get the one channel that doesn't seem to want to cooperate.
I have always found it quite interesting how the smallest change can have such a snowball effect. I now know for some unknown reason appear to be slightly ( a lot to be honest) better looking, and the ones around me have a total change of attitude towards me. In which brings me to another point all together, how exactly was I with Jill last night when I know full well that I was at home, sleeping. Normally speaking, I would figure this to be a total and utter impossibility, but seeing my current predicament is obviously possible. I guess most people in my position would be wondering how exactly I got into this in the first place, its like a less freaky version of Kafka's metamorphosis. But there is not much use in such theoretical thinking in these such terms, as it has happened, an does not seem to be fading away all too soon. This other mystery though, does seem likely to cause certain problems in this case, as there is only so long I can pretend to know what's going the hell on. About a hour or so into my shift, not much has happened, a smile here an there, a wave from plenty of unlikely sources. But as I am stocking out a few things in one of the isles, something, or someone I should say, catches my attention. Its one of those moments when you have to kind of rub your eyes, or take a double take. I end up like a zombie, or Frankenstein's monster, slowly lumbering towards this person trying to make out what exactly I am looking at. An as I get closer, an my eyes suddenly become at once focused, I still, even though there he stands right in front of me, cannot believe what I am looking at." Hey!". He says, obviously a little freaked out, at me lumbering towards him." How's it going?". An with that, he walks off, never looking back. And I just stand there, paralyzed. How could this be, if that( I pause) was me, than who the hell am I?.
I eventually go on my break, hardly ever opening my ears enough to figure out what others might be saying. So I keep mostly to myself for the remainder of the day. What exactly would you do in a situation like this, run towards this obvious impostor shaking him by the shoulders screaming' what the hell are you doing?'. I really do not think that is the best course of action here, as much as I may want to. I need to be calm about this, and figure out who the hell I turned out to be this morning. Although I always wanted to be better looking, this though, this is just weird. But I will say, it does have its advantages.
As does happen, I make my way back home eventually finding myself in front of the mirror staring at myself, touching the skin, pinching my cheeks as if I will find it to be all a illusion. But to no avail. Maybe when I awake tomorrow I will find it all to be some strange dream, like going to school and realizing you are not wearing pants. Maybe when I dream I will dream about being myself, some kind of weird switch on the normal run of things, or maybe, just maybe, I was always dreaming, (and only now, have I finally been awakened ).
The next morning a sudden realization hits as I once more somber off into the bathroom with eyes still struggling with the fact that it is(in fact) morning. An I don't think I need to tell you what exactly I see when I stare off into that mirror. But I now know that this is not going to go away, it's not going to fade off into the background of reality, so I might as well start to live with it. The problem is, is that there is two sides to this; one is the fact that in all honesty its nice to be noticed, to have girls come comfortably talk to me and know that I am popular with them. The other though, is the real kicker. I know full well that the only reason they might possibly like me is for my looks, which aren't even my own. I mean, can I continue to do this knowing full well that this apparent attraction is only skin deep. Its a question that I struggle with at my current pedicament. So there it is, not exactly life threatening, but as I make my to work, an eventually look off to all the people that at once ignored me, I cannot help but think of all the times that I have been left out in the cold, while everyone else moves and shakes in groups while later asking why I wasn't there(but never bothering to invite me to begin with). I know all too well that in every man there is an evil, and why at points good men go bad. But only now have I begun to realize, that sometimes, people just can't help themselves. One just has to hope to always have a handle on things.
A couple hours into work on my first break a few girls come up and sit next to me, chatting away on their own before eventually turning to me as if they just noticed that I am there." James?". They ask." Are you coming tomorrow?.
"Coming to what exactly?". I tell them thoroughly confused. As I say this they sorta of chuckle slightly to themselves as if they share the same mind, or body." The party silly, didn't anyone tell you?".
"No, no they didn't". I say." Nobody seems to tell me anything".
"Well we are telling you now". They add, almost in unison." Yeah, I think i might be there".
"Great, than we will be seeing you". They say as they wander off to another table, an me back to work. The rest of the day is kind of a daze, like everything is moving in slow motion. But never soon enough the end comes and I again once more succumb to sleep, still wondering if tomorrow I will awake to my normal self.
As I continuously stare at myself in the mirror the next morning, I keep on thinking I will eventually blink an be my normal old self again. But as with the last two days, nothing happens. An even with all that, I can't help but think about this whole thing I have to go to tonight, I do have a somewhat plan of action, but I keep on thinking twice about it, I guess we will see how things go. The good an evil parts of me can't help but fight for domination of my soul. An the worst thing is(at least for now) is that I don't know who is currently winning. The day goes by fairly fast, the place is busy so it usually helps. All throughout the day though, random employees come up to me asking about the get together tonight, which usually consists of them talking about getting (in their words, not mine) smashed. Adolescent males tend to do that, at once thinking it makes them cool as in the eyes of others its just kinda dumb( unless its other adolescent males of course).
Even though I get the directions from of one the girls at work I still end up a little lost, but eventually end up finding the place under trial and error. It ends up being the house of one of the people from work, but I do not know which. This whole thing is strange and distant, I end up sitting in my car trying to figure out how to act, and wondering if I am acting out of character or not. I am trying to just throw myself into this without freaking out but it's like some weird acid trip, as I am not really sure if what I am experiencing is real or not. I keep thinking that maybe I should go back, hide out at home till this thing blows over. But with time it passes(at least somewhat) and I get up courage enough to go head on in.
Inside, I am greeted once again by Jules, almost as if she was waiting by the door like a predatory cat." James, James James". She repeats." Late as always I see". She says with a scowl, that quickly turns to laughter." Come on in!". She pauses." Grab a beer". At this she practically drags me to the back kitchen as I struggle to keep up, bumping into people as we squeeze through the crowded mess, like making your way through the Amazon, while at once getting lost in the thicket of trees. Which (the kitchen, i might add)actually is quite surprisingly empty, with only a person or two scattered throughout. The wall behind us that divides the rooms is dressed with one of those windowless windows that don't seem to be there for any reason. A kind of 70's art decor maybe, as the place doesn't seem to have been updated since than. Almost reminds me of that house from burnt offerings, just a little spooky, once you actually look close enough. Standing there with beer in hands I start to worry about what to say next, until Jane walks in waving her hand around as soon as she see us ( while the beer in said hand continues to spill out chaotically)." Guys, you made it, how wonderful!". She says in amusement." Why the hell are you hiding out in here for?".
"Oh! No reason. Just grabbing some beers". Jules tells her in a calm voice, as if trying to talk down a guy from jumping of the side of a three story building. We all end up going out to the main room mingling with everyone else that ended up coming. As I walk around small conversations start up here and there all the while I can feel the sweat upon my palms begin as I get ever more paranoid for no apparent reason. The place is getting ever more crowded as in turn the music seems to get louder with every body that makes its way here. All the while me and Jules follow Jane around like we are on rails. I first actually met Jane a few days ago when this all started, she touched my arm and told me how I looked. I have always found her incredibly attractive, but she was never the one to pay much attention to me, not so surprising I guess. Funny how life turns out, how one little thing no matter what it might be could send you into a tizzy of being a outcast your whole life. Its like a virus, if it finds even one host it has the possibility to multiply, and in my experience it normally does. Which brings me to a whole other point altogether, if I am that other guy ( lets say James 2) does he know that he is in the wrong body, like I do. Could he actually be here tonight, trying to prove to others who he really is. From his reaction the other day I would guess not, but who the hell knows, maybe there is technically two of me running around( quite the strange thought).
We end up in the back of the room on the couch with everyone surrounding us in what could only be explained as a wall of noise. We sit there for a good hour or so talking about nothing with Jules and Jane on either side of me. After a while Jules gets up and shouts(as to hear her over the noise)." I am going to grab a beer, you guys want one?". Looking at each other I eventually pipe up." Yeah, thanks". I say, motioning towards us both. When one is succumbed to such loud noises, people usually begin shortening their sentences, like cave men, that just learned to speak. Its funny, listening to yourself when your in this sort of state of mind. As we both sit there, the beer has a definite calming effect upon my body, the nerves that were once their are no more, and the whole situation has seemed to have been put off to the back burner. Jane, now sitting there, quietly, beautifully, starts shuffling towards me with a shy look on her face as she continuously looks towards the floor." So?". She says.
" You having fun?".
"Yeah". I respond." It's always nice to have some time to waste, especially with people as yourself".
"Get drunk". She says." Do things you normally wouldn't". Jules now sits beside us, listening in with a curious eye." You two certainly are cozying up to each other". We both look over, looking as if a car is heading our way, and we're not sure yet as to jump out of the way or not." I am just being friendly". She announces, as Jules has a smirk that screams something else entirely(what though, I am not sure. As I have been never that good at reading faces). From there we end up outside on the porch, with the moonlight barely lighting the yard, and the trees that follow. Its quite beautiful out here actually, quiet from the inside masses like a romantic night out with your significant other." I will be right back". Jane states, looking right at Jules as to communicate through means of telepathy. Jules pats me on the shoulder to say they will be right back, an I stand there in silence, with only the crickets and frogs to keep me company. After about ten or fifteen minutes though, i can hear the sounds of footsteps behind me, and as I turn around, only Jane stands there, as if posing." You look lonely". She says, seductively." Its actually nice out here". I tell her." Quiet, for a change". She now leans on the rail, right beside me, with the glow of the moon illuminating her face, she doesn't seem real, this doesn't seem real. But real or not, well.. this is one dream I would rather not wake up from. Its getting late, and the cold air has already begun to roll in, I can slightly feel her next to me somewhat shivering. An so I take off my jacket, and drape it over her body like a cocoon, like a caterpillar, that is finally at once ready to become a butterfly." Thanks". She says, as she shuffles herself ever closer." I don't want you! to be cold though".
"I think I will be fine, as long as your good, I'm good". As we both stand their, staring off into the night sky, I try as I might to not look over at her, its a urge I am not used to passing off, as my nerves now are through the roof. Eventually though, I give in, and see her staring back at me. Her eyes reflect the stars behind us, looking as if they sparkle in the moonlight. I can feel my body slowly melt, as if I am being sucked into some eternal abyss, and am quite happy to oblige at that. We have been staring at each other for a good thirty seconds or so when I suddenly feel my arm upon her hips, as if someone else has taken control. And slowly, surely, I brush her hair back from her face, before we find ourselves in the midst of passion of our interlocked lips. An at that moment, all my problems, the people, the world.. wash away from me, as if I had been cleansed, washed away of all my worldly sins.
" So". She whispers, holding my hand with both arms, seeming as if I might run off or something." Do you wanna go upstairs, where its warm, and quiet". She pauses, as if rethinking what she just said." You know.. to talk". I smile, but just enough to hide the happiness that has exploded from within, like the blooming flowers of spring that punch forth through the earth as if in fast forward." It would be an honor". I mutter, probably somewhat incoherently. Making our way upstairs, hand in hand with me in tow, I stop, looking out in the crowd like I seen a ghost." What's a matter?". She asks." Who is that over their?". I reply pointing off into the mass of bodies to James 2 getting bullied by some other random people." Oh that!". She says in a disinterested tone of voice." He is nobody. Now why don't you come upstairs, I promise what's up their is a lot more interesting than what's down here". I look over towards her with a smirk, as if in confusion." How much have you had tonight Miss Daniels?".( which is her last name)." Enough". she says." Enough".
Its funny, how things work out, how at this very moment I always thought I would do things differently. That when faced with certain situations I would do the right thing. But here I am, walking upstairs with her hand in hand, with what's going on with James downstairs. I have been in that situation many times, but cannot seem to be able to pull myself away from Jane's hand. We end up in one of the rooms on the second floor, inside a bed lays in the middle of the room with weird wallpaper surrounding it. An I cannot get over how beautiful she is, sitting before me motioning for me to come hither(my words, not hers). An at that moment, everything that has transpired, and is still currently, washes away in the midst of this beautiful specimen of a woman, sitting before. So than, right than, I realize how easy we all can throw away or morals for any slice of happiness( usually consisting of a woman) and how I am suddenly no different than those that once bullied me.
The next morning I awake in my own bed, with only bits and pieces of last night still lingering( at least after I found myself upstairs anyways). As I get up and look in the mirror I see myself once again( my real self that is). And I can't help but feel guilty for what happened last night, if in fact it actually did, which I guess I will find out later today. But i do take solace in the fact that I was only really hurting myself, at least, that is what I try to tell myself.