its hard to get things done when I'm not around./

Its at the point I found that a motel was more preferable. That's the basics of what she had said anyway. Have you ever sat there with the one you love, and the only thing that could pass through your mind, was am I even here. Am I (in her mind) just a blank space, a distortion in time. Sometimes I wonder the same thing. Maybe one day, sometime soon, I will figure out that one for myself.

How to awaken the dead

  There is a concept in science, called the holographic principle. It basically says that the world as we see it is a holographic projection. I mirage in a sense, and where does this projection originate from. Well, no one knows exactly, I am not even sure how I know myself. My name is John, John Edwards. I woke up here one day with the knowledge that this world is not what it appears to be. Over the years I met others with the same ideas, formed a group, per say. We are not a cult, we have no secret hand shakes or strange symbols that we wear upon us. Just a group of men an woman, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. There has been more before us, a legend, a myth perhaps. Its hard to say really. All we know is that the outsiders(as we call them, the ones that don't know) can not find out about this, at least not right now.
   There was a man, long ago. That came upon us and showed us the way. He told us that this world is not as it appears. That its kind of a holding cell. Telling us that the real world is grossly over populated, that people were spilling out of the seams. The governments of the world had no choice, had to act fast. So they put us in here,saying that its kind of like the holodeck on star trek in a way, where we are physically present, but everything else on the other hand, well who knows. He said that there must have been a bug or something in the system, that he shouldn't have remembered anything, like the rest of us. But for some reason something went wrong in his incarceration, and the government knew this. We tried as we might to save him, fought a long and tiring battle. But it was all for not. But.. we still move on, with his goals in mind, to find out the true nature of this place. For we will never be truly free, because a jail is still a jail, no matter how much you dress it up.
"Hey John!, John. We've got news, its not good, not good at all".  Thompson sits beside me, an continues to mix around the rice bowl he just ordered. We come to this place quite often, as its just down the street from my house. Its literally a hole in the wall, hardly big enough to hold maybe five people at a time." Is this about the procedure Tom?".
"I am sorry John, but we found nothing. No abnormalities of any kind. Nothing that could constitute in any way some sort of tracking device".
"What do you mean nothing?. Nothing at all? How could that be?". I was always positive that this would bring about results, 'cause they are finding us, and finding us a little too easily at that. All the signs we have, all the evidence, points towards this. But without any findings, its just.. hard to take in." I think we now need to start looking at the alternatives". Tom says in a whisper as the place starts to pile up, overflowing with people. Its late, and at this moment in time the people begin to come back from the bars and dives they find they need to be in order to be liked by everyone else. At least, that's the way I see it. "What alternatives are you getting at exactly?". I say with a slight pause, to gather my thoughts." Your not talking about... that is not exactly a popular opinion here, you know that right?". Tom looks exhausted, or worried, or maybe just outta sorts." Yeah John, I know, I know. But I don't see any other path. We tried everything John, everything!. You know what Einstein said about insanity right? That being insane is doing the same thing over and over and expecting  different results, well that's us John, that's us".
"Well either way, this is insane". I pause, taking in exactly what was said." You know what your saying right. This is going against everything that we believe, everything that He! Told us. This is not something that you can take lightly". The crowd now is starting to somewhat penetrate, people are pushing upon people and the white paper lanterns that hang from above are being knocked in circles against the many heads that tend to bobble against each other. Upon my brow, beads of water form, like rapidly melting ice. Like sitting aside the coalescing bodies of men, as if the walls are closing." You know, this place never felt like home, never felt right. Its as if my body is trying to reject an organ". Tom says, quite poetically. An in the background (above our heads) I can hear the screams of silence. They emanate, more than likely, from the owner from behind the counter. So the people slowly disperse an all who remain still wait in line to get there food. "I know Tom, I know. If we are to do this, you cannot tell anyone, not a soul. You go that. Because if this gets out, who knows what hell might unleash".
"OK John, okay. This stays between you an me". Tom says, finishes the last few bites. An getting up to throw the rest away, he continues." You have a goodnight John, I will be in touch".
   Outside, the rain has begun it's descent upon the earth. I can see the last few remaining people of the night huddled up against one another, as they go off to find shelter. All the buildings now look as if they are shapeless forms, cardboard cutouts put there by a higher form. Or maybe just a movie set, choke full of fake houses an trees. Its hard to imagine the world in pixelated form, a life like any other in high resolution.  As if we are sprites locked up in some random battles behind a computer screen, never knowing that our movements are judged by others. But that is the sort of basics of what Tom is getting at. That this is a sort of computer generated Sim. Its as if someone is rummaging around my brain systematically destroying every belief I have ever had. Maybe I am just putting to much into it, but its still hard to believe nonetheless.
    The next day comes in a flash of light, almost as if the last few hours of sleep never happened. An I don't really keep too much in the house, no coffee maker, cookware our the like. Its a way to almost force myself outside, among the people. You just never know when you might hear something in need. A certain conversation, whisper, or utterance of some kind could lead you in any unknown direction never thought of before. When your in the type of business I am in, anything should be taken into consideration. All rumors and myths have at most some basis in fact, an its my job to sift through all the crap piled up on top. Not the most glamorous job in the world, but a man does what needs to be done.  Its hard to believe, but there is a lot of money in finding out the true nature of reality. That is not what I am here for, but I can't say it doesn't help.  I find the best places in the city are the poor parts, the east end.  Because the bums can get into places, areas that are inaccessible to most. Mostly because people see 'em as insignificant. No one would believe them anyway. They are all seen as drunks, or junkies. Just because they let certain things get the better of them, doesn't make 'em bad.
   Most hang out in front of the old city hall, its all boarded up now but they found a way to get in. To get away from the cold they took out a few boards in the back window, the feds don't care too much as the place has been long empty. An as far as I know there are no plans for it in the future. 'Let the bums have their fun' they say, to get them off of the street. The lot of 'em are pretty nice, an don't mind a few questions about anything in particular. As long as your not prying into them they are pretty happy to answer whatever.  I get a cup of coffee from this place just a few blocks from the house, an sit outside the hall on the steps surrounded by others. But they don't pay no mind, as I have been here before, an I have made some friends." John! What's going my friend. Doing a little surveillance I see". He hangs over me dangling his cigarette from his mouth like he is about to topple over. But soon enough he grabs my shoulder to sit down beside me." Hey Frank, what's the news?".  Frank used to be some kind of detective in his younger days, from what he told me, which wasn't a lot.  How he eventually ended up here though, is any body's guess. He never told me exactly what happened, I don't blame him. Nobody wants to relive the past when your living the future. I offered for him to come with me, stay at home. He declined, like I figured he would. Didn't want to take hand outs I guess, I don't know. I learned not to ask to many questions." I was up on fourth the other day, with all the snooty higher ups". That is just a term that Frank uses for what he considers the useless and glossed over. The ones that don't take a second look at the ones in need in their own backyard. And yet help the ones a world away, mostly for the wrong reasons though." An I overheard some people talking about some strange anomaly happening out in the forested areas in the north end, just by that small dam. Its probably nothing though, oncoming lights and stuff as per usual. You know how the brain works, trying to make sense of the senseless. Sometimes it comes up with some truly weird results". He lights up a cigarette, offering me one as the puffs of smoke ensconce, wrapping its tentacles around me almost squeezing the air right out. I decline, as I have been off that horse for a few years now. An don't really wanna hop back on." No thanks Frank, I'm good". Silence now permeates the air, for a short time. The only noise that breaks through that bubble is the sounds of the many that surround all talking in unison. Which in turn makes a kind of white noise that is actually almost soothing in a sense. "You know John, this quest of yours. Or whatever you wanna call it. Has been going on for a long time, I know its none of my business on what you may be looking for, but.. are you so sure on what your trying to find, or find out?". I look over at 'em, smile an say." You know Frank, sometimes I wonder the same thing. Sometimes!". I pat him on the shoulder as I get up, an before I leave I tell 'em." Thanks Frank, as always your a big help". He looks up at me, with a quite somber look." Yeah John, I will be seeing you on the other side".
    Sometimes I wonder how much Frank really knows. I always get the impression that he is not always telling me the whole story. As if he can see right into me or something. Knows exactly what I want and am looking for. Either that, or its just in my head. Its about noon now, and if I am going to head down to the north end I might be needing a bite of something. I know that going down there is probably a waste of my time, but that is not how that line goes. So I end up hitting this old Chinese place just down the street. I don't know what my affinity for run down places is, but I do find myself in them quite often. Its a fairly nice place actually, a hole in the wall from the outside but once in its veritably nice. The waiters an waitresses don't really speak to much English, and I don't really speak mandarin all that well either. Which makes for a interesting little conversation at times(so lets skip that for now). So I order the usual, fried rice and beef chop suey. An sit there(which is the worst part when your out alone) with my coffee staring off into nothingness as to not stare at any one person or group. People around here have a tendency towards egotism, even if you happen to look in their direction. Its a weird trip actually, the way some people's minds work. But there is no sense in worrying to much about such asinine things. That is why I try to stay away from the privileged few, most think everything should be handed to 'em. Some are nice, don't get me wrong. But like I said, most keep their noses firmly planted in the air.  Once the plate comes the waiter sits it in front of me, slightly bows, and moves on to other awaiting customers. One of the reasons I do like it here is the fact that the plates are enormous, enough to feed about two people easily. An as I do sit, I can hear the voices of people carry through the room mingling with others and almost ending up like some Monty python skit on acid. Its hard to distinguish one conversation from the next but from what I gather the group next to me on my right are talking rumors. On how their friend, recently married, husband is already hitting the sack with another woman, boring. An nothing I have not heard before.  The table behind me on the other hand, is a lot more interesting. The man is telling his (what I could only gather is his girlfriend) on how last night when he was coming back from the bathroom, he saw a ghost. Saying he appeared by the couch on the side wall looking like a soldier or officer of some kind. He gives a quick description of what he saw, saying he had short cropped hair and a beard, and what appeared to be a black mark on his right arm. Not much to go on, but that is how it goes with these types of things.
    Frank actually has an interesting hypothesis on this. He says that ghosts are apparently the cross overs of a body from one world to the next, kind of like a shadow in a way. Beings from a parallel dimension. Only in this situation its our world and the one on the other side. He also says that it could also be a imprint of a body that was once here. Like say they send over a officer to this side per say, and when he eventually leaves back to his own "dimension" his body leaves a type of imprint of himself in this world. Kind of like tracing one image onto another piece of paper I guess. Frank probably explains it better. A pretty freaky idea if you think about it, i mean the implications alone. That in turn could mean that there might be a ghostly apparition of myself wandering around in the other place, or "dimension". I hate myself to call it the real world, because if you really think about it, who knows what is real and what isn't. For all we know we could already be in the so called real world. Like I said, freaky. You just can't think of that type of thing too much, drive a man mad.
  I somewhat listen in on some other conversations, but the rest is usual fair, normally about how the day went and all that crap, nothing of any real interest. The waiter comes over, cleans off the table and I pay at that front like normal. Outside i walk about a block over to wait for the bus, in which to the north end is about a twenty minute ride, on good traffic anyway. Its still fairly early so we will see how things go.  On the bus everyone bumps and jostles around as if we are all on the bumper cars at the pne, an the closer to the bridge we get the more backed up traffic becomes. Until eventually right after on the other side we all explode out like water from a hose, just like when you used to put your thumb over it as a kid. The crowd on board is surprisingly quiet, as if they are all trying to ignore some person or group. The monotone voice creeps over the PA every now an than like some disembodied stalker of some kind, an the driver keeps looking back with these evil judging eyes. I start to look around, nervous, paranoid, like everyone is going to come get me at once. But to no avail, as the voice once more calls out calling out my stop. So I make my way out slowly as to not raise anymore suspicion than I might have already. An so here I am, just a block or so from the dam. The walk consists of trees masquerading as forests, and rows of houses across the street staring over as if keeping them in check. Just over the trees you can hear the roar of the river in a constant repetitive scream. An you can actually walk over the dam as on the other side it turns to forest, with a few walkways for people to enjoy what little nature we might have left. Even as I walk closer an closer to my destination, I feel dumber an dumber, this whole idea just points towards pointless. But knowing how I am, I would kick myself if I didn't give it a shot. Now, as I am clearly ensconced between trees, bushes, an all the little creatures that happen to scurry from tree to tree, silence permeates the air. Walking through, in no particular order or direction, I can't help but think of that one scene from the wizard of oz as if the forest will suddenly without notice reach out for me. So as I realized beforehand, nothing is really going down here at this point. I try for a hour or so to look for any clues that might still lay beneath the thicket of grass an shrubs, But to no avail. At the end I end up sitting upon this bench facing the thick blackness of trees, with a path right in front that people more than anything else use for jogging.  I understand the concept of it, but find it weird nonetheless. For a society like we have today there is just no need for it, but no matter, everyone has their reasons.
   The sun is starting to drop down below the mountains, as it happens to do this time of year. The people now running are seen as glowing strips and brightly colored costumes, as the day gets darker. I have been here for awhile now, and still nothing, so I end up getting up to once more find the bus. I wasn't expecting to find to much, so I cannot be too disappointed, Frank can't get them all. It was a nice sorta day off though. Sitting, relaxing in the sun for part of the day. Can't say it has been too too bad. Back home, the buildings act as walls, and the shining neon lights all scream out at you at once like a class full of kindergarten students. Everything you could ever want in a four block radius, from coffee shops to porn to whatever else in between. Beautiful really, in a twisted absurd kind of way. I end up meeting with Tom ( his real name is Thompson, but I don't think he minds) not on purpose or anything, it just kind of happened. We usually do meet up a few times a week, but today wasn't supposed to be one of those days. I am at one of those food carts that litter the city now, that have almost every food you can imagine. Most with a certain twist you probably wouldn't have thought of.  The one that finds us now is called Jerry's sit 'n grill. A weird name I know, but that's not important. I order a grilled cheese sandwich with egg, feta cheese and Bacon, sloppy but delicious. Tom sits with me not ordering a thing, the whole time staring off at me with some type of contemplation in his eyes. As if he is trying to figure out what I am thinking. After about two or so minutes of this I finally put my sandwich down and spurt out." Okay Tom, either say something or stop staring, jeez!". He looks over at me, not changing his facial expression." Bad day John, did things not go as you had hoped?, tsk, tsk.".
  "No not really, I talked to Frank, he got some flimsy hit out in the north side. I didn't figure I would get anything but went anyway. I don't know if I would say bad, but definitely a waste". He keeps watching me, as if something is on his mind, an he's just trying to figure out how to spill it out." John". He says seeming a little nervous now. Quite the change from before." John, I don't know quite how to put this". He looks serious, so I put down what's left of my sandwich and listen to what he has to say." How to put what Tom?, what?". He clasps his hands together on the table." I followed Frank today, had my suspicions for quite some time. He is hiding something, something big. It seems as if he is getting you out of the way for a time with these crazy endeavours. Its good he has no idea about me I guess". At this point, I am at a loss for words. I sit back watching the look in his eyes, trying to figure out what's going on, if he's serious. Frank and I have known each other for quite some time, and he got me out of some tough situations. So when someone says there is something fishy going on with him, I tend to not take it too lightly." What are you talking about, you know how long I have known that man, there is no way Tom, no way". He leans a little closer and says." John, I know this, and I am sorry. But I watched him, and he is up to something". His eyes are fixated on mine, as his arms are still outstretched and clasped together. I don't really know what to think at this point, because Tom is not only my partner, but a friend. An a good one." Okay Tom, lets hear this than, why do you think he is up to something".


# to be continued...

I can't look into her eyes anymore(as we slowly fade into those murky waters)

As we slowly fade into those murky waters. She drifts there, silently, beautifully, just below the surface. An my hand gently caresses the coldness of her cheeks, an holds onto her arms so she doesn't wander off with the tides, or currents. Her hair glows with the sparkling waters, stretching out in different directions like tentacles. And the water slowly rises to my chin, over my mouth, to eventually suffocate the lungs. But the only thing that is now on my mind is, 'we will soon be together, my love, finally...an forever'.

I cant look into her eyes anymore(dDeath destruction an death)

Its over now, an death is near. My hands shake back an forth in time with each other. An the pools of water crawl up towards an above my ankles. I can see through the windows, just above eye level. But the rest of humanity is nowhere to be seen, taken off into unknown worlds an other countries. So all that is left is me, an the woman I can't leave behind. The one that lay behind me, propped up onto the quietly deteriorating boxes that rise out of the water as mountains( so she doesn't get wet). So I got to stay, to eventually join her in the murky waters that in turn turns cities into graves. An mountains into treetops. But our love will live on(forever) drifting through with the currents.

The only thing you got to fear is the monsters in the closet( an the skeleton in your head)

I can feel the bones of the dead upon my feet, as they try to claw an climb their way through the layers of dirt . An the sounds of ghostly apparitions breeze by my back making the hair stand tall, as they howl and screech through the silence (like father wind). So its dark outside, and the only lights I can see are of the houses in the background, barely visible. An the leaves below my feet echo and distort, making it sound as if someone (or something) is walking up right behind me. As the path, ahead, is only getting darker, and the trees lean over as if the branches are reaching out, in desperation. So I say to myself, continuously." Its all in the head. Its all in the head..... its all, in the head".

There are no more birds no more.

   I was in love once, a long time ago, in a time that does not no more exist, but.. that was before the war. As now the surface has been ravaged and worntorn. It all started some years ago, with the mutant population. It all started out innocent enough. They were basically an offshoot of evolution, at least that is what we thought. We went through all the basic prerequisites, hatred, racism, revolution and the sudden boom and apparent overpopulation. An humans, as we normally do, get scared for no apparent reason. They were taking over, we said, pushing us out, when really it was just mostly in our heads.
   That is when I lost her. Everything happened just so seemingly fast. I was in the military, and was called for overseas. We were in the middle of it all when the real war began, stuck in the middle of the atlantic ocean when the bombs decided to drop.
   We can still go up there, to a certain extent anyhow. The air is toxic, but it is only certain areas that are off limits. But as you know these things have a desire to spread. Now its just people in masks and big bulky suits looking, scavaging for whatever they can to preserve for the future. Or anything we can use in the present.
   Down here is like any other town you have been to before, people live in apartment buildings that are only about two or three stories high. More like those cheap motels you used to see in all those shitty towns across the country. There are many more towns like our own peppered throughout this area, though how many is left to be said. The one I am living in is Newport, and I'm here working in the outskirts around town as security. People down here do what they can to help, mostly its whatever they were good at in the old world. Kind of sad if you think about it, that the best I got to offer is being a basic lookout.
   After work I usually hit the bar by my house, I go in fairly often so the bartender knows me quite well." Hey John, another bad day around town I see huh?" The place is fairly empty, people are scattered about as if everyone thinks everyone else is carrying some kind of sickness." Another busy day at the bar huh Paul, maybe its time to shut this place down?". He laughs, as he normally does and sets a beer on the counter for me". As I sit there Paul helps the few others that have wandered in, and as I, now in silence, fail to see the man come by and sit next to me." Hey! John is it?". I look over, slightly, and see a man sitting beside with dirt covering his face as if he wears it as a fashion statement. The rest of him is in the same state of disarray, which for around these parts, comes off as a little out of sorts.
" The names Dean, Charles Dean. I work down in the mines, I heard about ya 'round town". The mines are located a couple miles below us, its were they get all the metal and what not to build this great place we all find us in. From what I hear its not bad actually, as nowadays they use huge machines that do all the work, as the workers sit in their comfy rooms staring incessantly at some television screen basically playing real life videogames.
   "Whats with all the dirt, I didn't think anyone actually went down there?". He smiles and says." Yeah, nobody really does, unfortunately I have the misfortune of being the mechanic. And those machines don't always have the good manners of breaking down in the most opportune of places". He says, and continues." How about yourself, I hear your security around here?".
  "Yeah, not the most interesting of jobs...". I pause for a second, as some people do when they change there mind mid sentence. "Well...every now an than I guess". At this his eyes perk up a little, like a child's when your just getting to the good part in a bedtime story." How do you mean exactly, every now an than". I sigh, and begin to pull up my sleeve.
"You see this scar, I was on the south wall a few years back. Heard a noise out in the back by one of the caves. Went to investigate you know. Found nothing, but as I turned back... there it was. Like a bear without fur towerin over me. I grabbed for my gun but it swiped it way and jumped up upon me. It happened so fast its hard to tell what exactly happened". Before I could finish he chimes in, an says." So, what happened. How did you get out?".
   "In all the commotion, I failed to realize my gun was a couple feet away from me. Lucky enough, 'cause if I wasn't able to grab it at that point. I wouldnt be here right now". We order a couple more beers, and off in the near distance I can see Paul sorta listening in to our conversation. The story in which he heard before, and in greater detail." Wow, that's crazy". He says still enthralled." I wish my work was that interesting". He seems bored, in general I mean. Like a man that wants more than to be stuck in a menial job buried under the earth like the dead." I am really making it more than it actually is". I tell him.
   We don't actually know too much about these creatures, all we know is that they appeared a few years back. It's believed that they are a kind of offshoot of the mutant population. that or a more mutated version.  The bar is starting to get rather busy now, comparitively." Well it seems fairly fascinating". He says with a partial smile he looks as if he means to hide. He puts his beer down with a sudden thud, and drops a few bills on the counter." Well John, it was nice talking to ya. Hopefully I will see ya around".  Its at that I say my goodbyes as he disappears out the door. After a few more beers in silence I start to think its the same for me. So after the obvious formalities, I leave the bar and find my way home. I end up falling asleep on the couch, as I sometimes do, after a long day.
   The next morning I awake to coffee and breakfast, which normally consists of toast, an bad coffee. Its really the only thing you can get down here anyway,(coffee wise) so you can't complain to much. I don't work till late in the day, so I have some time to spare.  We have these farms up above town, just below the surface. They're kind of like those hot houses or whatever we used to have. Their is this glass dome covering most of it, its nice actually, makes you almost think your outside as the sun spreads out over the land as it passes through the glass that acts as a type of filter. After they were built we decided to expand on it and make a park for the people to relax. A way for everyone to get away from the dull doldrums and have some good ol' vitamin D. A lot of the towns outside of our own thought it was a fabulous idea so they made one all their own. So I made up my mind this morning to get some sunshine into these bones and soak up some relaxation.
  Its not hard to get to, and doesn't take too long. Just outside of town to the east we made this elevator that takes us right there. There lies a few houses up there for the farmers,  almost a small town you might say. But it only consist of a few small houses.A good gig though, if you ask me.
   The park is nice, trees and grass cover the land with a few picnic tables and such peppered throughout for groups to get togethor in parties. I take a seat at my usual spot, under this big umbrella like tree just off of the farmland. The farms and houses behind make a nice backdrop. Almost as if I am in some field back home. Up above the glass hovers over like the ceiling from some old school shopping mall. You can see the sun through the glass peaking through getting fairly distorted because of the curvature of the windows, making it a almost oval shape.
   In all of this I don't barely notice the woman now sitting next to me. An when I finally awake from this mental dream state I look over to see that its one of my next door neighbors from the same building. "John! Fancy meeting you here. Its been awhile hasn't it!. She says with the slightest of smirks." Yeah, sorry. I have been in a haze lately". I say." I know how it is John. It happens to the best of us". She is right, being down here will do that to a man(an woman alike). We are not built to be hidden away in caves. Its been years now and still people struggle to get used to this new ordeal. There are certain groups we have appointed to check up on the world, to see how an when we might find ourselves once more kings. Afterwards, us an the mutants (if you can call them that) came into a agreement. Seeing how this war was affecting the planet we decided to put our differences aside for the better of mankind, and all the notable factions. Not that we had too much choice in the matter. "So how's the job treating you Joanne, still taking orders from Jake?". Jake is the boss down in the city centre, its basically the heart. All jobs report to them.
   She smiles, one of those smiles people give when their trying to hide their contempt." Yeah, sure am". She says as if she is cutting through the air with a knife." I thought by now you would ha

The Goddess of highway divine

I am the goddess of highway divine
write myself down,
wait in line.

watch me sleep,
drink my wine,

burn my field,
watch me hide..

"Sal?". I say, with a curious mind.

    The walls are crumbling, and the floorboards are about to give way. The house shakes violently throwing me from the bed, and onto the floor. I get up and make my way to the window outside in the hall. It looks over the backyard, and the backyards of the endless houses that surround us, like an army of men that has taken over and we are but the final survivors of the resistance. The lines of fences that zigzag throughout stand like trenches, that eventually fall under the pressures of warfare. The streets start to crack and swallow up the sidewalks, cars and whatever else it can get its proverbial hands on.
  Out in the distance I can see the waters rise up over the horizon, people run off away from it like a school of fish. Cars attack other cars as they try to get away, and the people claw there way in like rats trying to get to food. I can see the house give way to gravity behind me, so I climb out the window to the lattice work covered in the dead remnants of the once so pristine roses.
   On the ground there is a swirling vortex of destruction, the trees surround like fallen soldiers, and the bodies of the few unfortunate lay about. I run through the backyards jumping over crevasses and broken objects. Up ahead a few blocks the heads of a few people pop out of the ground from what must be some kind of bomb shelter. "Hey john, over here! We haven't much time". I look over a bit confused as to who it might be, but as I get a bit closer I find its my neighbor from a few doors down.  I run over and get inside, closing the door just as the water make its way just a few houses over.
  He has always had a creepy look to him, reminds me of the guy Tom cruise meets in the basement of the war of the worlds. Seems a little off his rocker. But there is no worries, he is a really nice person. His wife is actually really beautiful, one of those woman that seems as if she could do better. If I remember correctly I do believe her name is Jane, his is Sal(in case you were wondering).
   Always been somewhat jealous of him, I have never had a life like his, a wife, people that love him. I have always been basically solo. "Man, thanks, I thought I was done for Sal, I owe you my life". He puts his arm around me, patting me on the shoulder." No worries my friend, no worries". The place is nice, kinda reminds me of the shelter from that Brendan Fraser movie. We go to the living room, the kitchen is too the left and behind us(from which we came) is the family room and the stairs to the outside world. We must be fairly deep down, as there is a ladder that takes some time to get here, than it abruptly turns to a staircase. The floors are cement with eastern style rugs throughout. The walls are mostly papered with the kitchen painted a Retro blue.
   "Do you know what the hell is going on up there, its crazy, everything is going to shit. Its like a scene from a movie". Everyone looks exhausted, tired and out of sorts. Well... can you blame 'em." I don't know, I don't know. Everything we have ever known, loved, is gone".  We can still feel the shaking from the outside, the walls move back and forth and the sound is as if bombs are being dropped, albeit muffled. The day goes by in slow motion, trying to forget what is happening just above our heads. At about six o'clock me an Sal find ourselves at this small makeshift bar with enough alcohol to last at least a month or so. They have really done there preparations, Sal has always been like that. A old war man from back in the day. "So john, what are ya thinking?". He asks as we sip our Brandy's. "Well Sal, I can't help but think that I really didn't lose anything up there, yeah maybe I had some friends, mainly you though. But nothing really to blink an eye at". He looks at me for a second or two, that continues on with a bout of silence." You always have us John,you'll always have us".
  The day goes by much the same way. Doing whatever we must to forget the perils of the outside world, at least for a little while.  We all end up falling asleep in varying spots an positions throughout the place. There are a couple beds in the back but our nerves had other plans, so we stayed up most the night talking about all the small talk people normally talk about.
  In the morning I get up to the smell of coffee and cereal. I go sit at the kitchen table(as small as it is) with the few others in silence. At about 9:30 the phone rings, which gives me a bit of confusion. Apparently Sal has some satellite phone from the military or something, I could never understand these things. Sal stands leaning up against the counter, never talking, just listening intently. As the conversation progresses he gets more and more tense, almost agitated. Eventually putting down the phone he walks over to the living room and sits on the couch, without very much a peep.
   "Sal? Is everything okay?". I ask sitting across from him. Jane sits beside him, consoling him with her arm around his shoulders." Honey? What's wrong? What did they say?". Sal sits there rubbing his head, like you would see in the movies when the hero is at his wits end(and possibly doesn't want to go on)." Well you know that project I was working on?".
"Yeah, with those other fellas, your friends from the base". She asks noticeably concerned." Sal? I thought you were done with all that, retired". He looks over with a forced smile, his eyes are as if they're about to permanently shut." I was John, I was. They called me in quite some time ago, to look over this classified project. Project Rosen it was called. They said this could be the greatest thing since the evolution of man". Jane now covers her mouth, seeming as she is hearing something she doesn't want to hear. I guess she didn't know the full story." What does this have to do with anything now?".
   He tries to console her with a warming hand against the thigh, and a kiss to the cheek." Well.... it worked, at least at first anyways"." What worked honey, what?". Jane says in a apparent hurry." Have you ever heard of a Einstein-Rosen bridge?".
"You mean a wormhole Sal? Seriously". He smiles, a kind of smirk really." I am nothing but Sal, nothing but...". 
  "You gotta realize, this is very top secret, but seeing what is happening, I guess there's no problem". We all sit there sipping our coffees, listening keenly like children gathered around their teacher in kindergarten." There was this scientist that worked there, came up with this idea on how it might work. Even made a kind of prototype that could transfer stuff, through thin air in a sense, from one place to another. But only in short distances. It was wild, like we were folding up space itself to make a shortcut. Between space, really. Wild! Just wild". While saying this Sal grabs a small piece of paper rolling it up showing us how it might work, visual guidance is always better he says.
   "Sal?". I say, with a curious mind." What exactly do you mean by, used to work their". Well, when the higher ups found out exactly what he was up to, they tried to take it over. Obviously he wanted nothing to do with what they had in mind, even fought it for awhile. But seeing it was the militaries to begin with, there was nothing he could do". At this point all our eyes are tied to him, ears perked up waiting for the end of this story. But there is one thing that I now don't understand." So". I say with a sigh." If you know what happened to this man, why did you end up working on the project?". He sits back on the couch, with Jane still clutching his leg in suspense. He lights a cigarette and says." Well my dear, sometimes you don't have much choice. Not to say I didn't want to do it, I mean, just think of the possibilities. The possibilities are endless, who knows where this might take us. So as you see, you now know why I didn't have much choice". As he says this he swings his cigarette around like he is conducting a orchestra. All the while Jane sits their, almost in tears, barely holding them back.
   "Dear, how.. Do you mean.  I mean, are you saying, that you, you!.... Did this?". He looks down, mournfully, as the smoke rises up against his face, disappearing in the air up above his head." Obviously, as you can hopefully see, I didn't want this to happen. Didn't see that it could". 
"But it could happen, it did. Right above our heads, in our backyards. Who knows how far this thing goes. Our city, this town, the country.... the world. Everything, destroyed, and you helped destroy it". As Jane says this her eyes light up, as if flames might rise up and burn her face. She eventually walks out, in a fit of rage.
  "I am sorry Sal, I know you didn't mean this to happen.. but is she going to be okay?". He looks over, messing up his already messy hair, finally managing a smile." Yeah, she will be fine. She just needs some time".

Tidbits of life#5

Christmas is coming. The snow turns to rain as the rain in turn washes out the roads, steering the cars off track. The mountains all blend in with the cloud's, and all the people dress as if its the coming of a new ice age. Its hard to tell people apart when they are clothed  over with everything they apparently own.
    The shopping malls are wall to wall, with everyone trying to prove there love( or adoration) towards the ones they care about.( A strange ritual if you ask me). Outside most doors lay the outcasts, the smokers of the bunch. The ones the world has thrown out,  battered over with the advertisements of somehow doing wrong.
  As i Drive home, the houses are covered in multiples of light. Many incarnations of Santa adorn the front lawns, as a reindeer or two usually looks off in amusement. It's that time of year I guess. When we cast off our hate and prejudices, at least until the holiday's are over.

Dual in the deep...

Dual in the deep,
Between chaos
Or sheep
(yours
Or mine)

passing
Of time.

And love is
a gun,
That will go off,
some point.
       someone..

Tidbits of life#4

The store is full of people, jamming themselves in in every which way that they could find possible. An walking in through the exit door is kind of like a fish swimming up stream, except for me there is no upside to the end of my journey(not even death). I see all the other employees smiling, laughing, talking to each other most affectionately. But for one reason or another whenever I walk by those smiles turn to scorn, a nose up, which is quite preferable at this point. At least I am being noticed, as people have an ability to look right through me( an invisible man). Either that or I maybe just blend in, a clone of the thousands of unknowns out in the world without a thought of there own. Or maybe I am not even here at all, a faint whisper of what once was, or eventually will be.

Tidbits of life # 3

The neighbors upstairs are once more at it. I can hear the sound of every mumbled verse as it carries down through the walls. The yelling, screaming and stomping around rattles the ceiling in various undesirable ways. As I can almost just picture them flailing there arms about in a most cartoonish way. The husband, is outside doing laps, in no particular order. As he does fairly regularly(as I see now why)

Tidbits of life #2

"So?". She says." Are you close?". As she sits there, just next to me." No, not really". I say, taking another drink of my beer, that is starting to make my fingers numb( along with everything else.) "Why not?, haven't you guys been going for awhile now?". I stare off in silence, barely looking over at her. This goes on for maybe a minute or two before suddenly." That's not good, don't you think you deserve better?". Another bout of silence, as now she is basically speaking to herself." Well..". She says." I think you do". I look over, slightly, seeing her stare over my way like she's trying to hypnotize me." Yeah, maybe. Maybe". We talk awhile longer of certain tidbits of life and life in general, eventually after a few drinks I make my way outside. Seeing that I might eventually do something I might somewhat regret. At least, that is what I tell myself.

Tidbits of life #1

She speaks with a sarcastic grin, saying." Now don't fall apart on me". As she partially looks over towards me holding my chest." Its okay". Slight pause as she watches with those nervous, unbelieving eyes." Its fine, just a slight pain". She again smiles, grins.. than continues to watch the road ahead, eerily absent of life. Except a few cars that dash by in a apparent hurry to get killed off. Life has a tendency to do that, violently shake you in every direction it might see fit. But with that in mind, we still find ourselves leaving the comforts of home behind us, not thinking to much of the possible consequences. That (most possibly) would drive you mad, as any man might say." So..". I say, with apparent conviction." What is on the menu afterwards". She looks over, mid smile, not saying a word. As her eyes do say it all, without the need for the blessings of words. Or wondering for that matter.

I don't deserve.......

Peace
she screamed

to those
of these

heart,
or heave

an love,
they say

is summer
without
day

through
madness,...

too grave.|

How to make things even worse for yourself/the slow falsification of reality...(or how to put yourself in a russ meyer film)

*#Day 1


Peering outside through the living room window, the people pass by fast paced and hurried. The months, an years, and days go by as if I am watching some time-lapse video.  An my girlfriend is at home, as per usual. She doesn't come over very often, a understatement if I have ever heard one. As its been sometime now, a year or more. I keep on telling myself to get out, to get away as fast as possible. But for some reasons unknown, I stay, shackled and put out into the cold and oncoming winds. People call me crazy, maybe. But I can never get myself into that first and final step.
  I go to sit on the couch when I hear a knock at the door, an I look back a little confused. As I have no idea who it could possibly be. Opening it I find to my surprise, its the next door neighbor. She just lives a few houses down, I talked to her once or twice, not about much though. "Hey Mister, do you mind if I come in?". She is wearing these short Jean shorts, with dark legging type things(not really sure what they're called). And this green bench sweater with sleeves too long for her arms. Her hair is a dark black with Bangs covering her forehead like drawn curtains." Yeah of course, make yourself at home". She goes an sits on the couch, the television at an almost inaudible buzz. I can see there mouths moving, but cant understand what they're saying. But I pay no mind and sit beside her, nervous and not sure what to say. I look over, attempting to say something. And she is already watching me, an motions for me to not speak a word. Her hand gently clasps my leg caressing it slowly. Its at this moment I find myself frozen, for a mere second. Until she leans over with one hand on my hips as her lips touch mine, and I find myself once again melting. I put my hand on her hips and slowly work my way up her shirt as we make our way to laying down on the couch, its at this point that the sound on the TV jumps to life and I find myself sitting there, with no one to be found. That is, odd, that never happened to me before, I had fantasies, but never ones that felt so real.
   I decide to go out, take a walk, to get my mind off of things. There's this little mall just up a few blocks from my house. I live in the suburbs, so malls around here are fairly prominent. Inside is a burrito place called the spicy chicken are something that I go to quite regularly. The best thing is is that they have a patio out front to watch all the people pass by in differentiating states of panic, or boredom(not unlike myself I guess).
   I pass all the houses that use to stand tall, all stacked up in rows, looking as if they're slouching over from years of neglect. Almost every house has piles of shit on there lawns that are partially covered in the overlaying grass. The paint on many is chipped and rusted out beat up cars line the Street, as that's all anyone can afford. I can't even afford one myself, good or bad. Inside the mall people hang out together yet are secluded. The Tim Horton's facing the main strip is normally a popular spot. Don't get me wrong, this is not a bad place, and I am probably making it out as worse than it actually is.
   I normally get the pulled pork burrito, in which I do get today. I go sit outside and watch life as it happens, or how it appears to be. The sun is out, casting shadows on the street of the buildings that are juxtaposed against the backdrop of the faraway mountains. The clouds that do appear though are mere thinned out versions of there former glory. An the stores around here are actually fairly high end, to a degree anyway. I take a walk up the street towards Hastings, there is a newer store up there called the worn sweater, a weird name I know, but I think there just trying to be hip.
    The place inside is fairly empty, and the sweaters are all lined up on tables that sneak up on you as soon as you walk in. The walls are covered in a colorful array of shirts, jackets and everything else you might Drape upon your body. The girls who work here are pretty good looking, one especially. I have been eyeing her for sometime, I would never do anything(seeing that I am somewhat taken, I suppose) but its nice to know I have a chance. I end up looking around shuffling through the piles of clothes that surround the store like the walls of the castle. An as always one of the store clerks comes up to see what I am up to." Excuse me sir, do you need any help?". Her name tag says Cindy(but its not the one I told you about before) and has short cropped blond hair that kind of makes her look like a boy. She has on this bright red lipstick with a slight mask of blue eyeliner, and striped black pants like the ones all the business type woman wear. On top she has a button up shirt with rolled up sleeves and a blue vest.
   "No, no, no thanks. I am good". She smiles and walks off in no real necessary direction. Wandering around now for a few minutes I find this blue sweater with a red and orange stripe across the chest. I go to try it on in the dressing room in the back. Its one of those ones that seem as if there's a whole other store in the back, that's connected by a short dark hall. The girl I told you about earlier stands in front, as if on guard. An I get a little nervous as I approach. "Would you like to try that on sir?"
"Uh, yes.... please". She turns the other way, motioning me to follow, eventually opening one of the doors. "Just right here, thanks". Inside this little room stands a mirror, that's shifts, shapes, and contorts your body in a almost believable way. I hang up the sweater and begin to take my jacket and shirt off. There is a small bench on the side that I place them on, and its than that I hear voices just outside my door. I stop to listen for a second, its her again, helping someone out. After, she starts to walk back but for some reason stops in front of my door, pauses, than I can hear it slowly open. She walks in, locking the door behind. I try to speak but she covers my mouth with her hand. With my back up against the wall she presses her body against me. Her lips gently caress mine as I succumb to her warm soft skin of the lower back. She sits me on the bench as she backs up a little and starts to unbutton her shirt, grabbing my hands she puts them on her hips and subsequently gets on her knees, and begins to unbutton my pants. Now completely naked(as is she) she gets on top of me as I still sit on the bench, her legs wrap around my body as if she might fall from some unknown height.  An slowly she begins to move her hips with my eyes closed as too not get too excited.
   Afterwards I grab the sweater and continue to the front desk to pay. I see her standing at the till and once more pause as to not so sure of what to say.  "Will this be all sir?".
"Yes, I don't think I can take much more". As I say that she looks up with a odd confused look but quickly shakes it off pretending I never said anything.
  Outside I begin to wonder what just happened, and if it happened at all. I had fantasies, dreams. But that was far too real to be one.  I stand out front of the store, contemplating on going back inside to find out. But what if I was wrong, what if I am right. Either way, what the hell would I say. I decide not to worry about it right now, so instead i take a walk around. There really isn't much to see around here actually. Buildings leaning upon buildings that stretch out over the land that eventually morph into the sometimes run down houses sitting behind. A few blocks up I get stopped by a man, who looks like he just came down off the mountains." Excuse me sir, but would you mind lending me a smoke. It would be much appreciated". For a man that looks like he does, as bad as that sounds, he has surprisingly good manners. "Yeah sure, no problem". All the while I am doing this, I notice everyone that happens to pass our sights to be given us strange looks. Mostly on me though.
  He eventually walks off disappearing between a small crowd of people. An no matter how I look he is no where to be found. There is a school just across the way, and it's getting to be that time of day that the roads and streets get crowded with the sounds of kids, overjoyed with the thought of freedom. The older you get though, the less freedom you seem to have. Its just to bad that some kids tend to waste theirs.
   As it just starts to rain, I decide to make my way back home. Usually I like to do a couple laps around the field behind the school. But with this new development I decide to be on my way.  On the way home the people seem to not be bothered by the rain. I don't see why they would be, everything eventually dries off. The rest of the day is fairly non-eventful, the television stays on most of the day, and thoughts quickly fall as soon as they arrive of the experience I had with the woman in that sweater store. I try not to think about it too much, as it was quite enjoyable, even if it might not have happened.

# *Day 2

My alarm goes off, temporarily ringing throughout my ears even after its been shut down, and shut up. I can already smell the aroma of coffee that makes its way through the house, as I programmed it the night before. I pour myself a cup and turn on the TV, as I watch star trek each an every morning. Much of the morning goes by in basically the same fashion. Television, coffee, refill repeat. Outside the rain is still coming down. Making the noise of tiny feet running up and down all the roof. Only every once in awhile knocking on the windows. I spend most the day inside, as the events of yesterday were a little too strange to bear once more. Of course that first one was a bit off, but pleasant on both accounts nonetheless.
   At about 2 o clock I start to hear the sounds of people outside. As if a group of them is just outside my door. I take a quick look out my front window just to see a crowd gathering around a neighbors house about a block up or so. Out the front door I can get a closer look, and what I see is the house slowly going up in flames. It hasn't appeared to hit all floors yet though, so maybe it just started. I run over with the rest of them like a bunch of curious sheep flocking to the barn once it starts to rain.
   "Is everything okay, did everyone get out". The man standing next me I don't recognize, I almost feel like asking him his name, but as before, with recent events I decide not to. "No, not that I am told. Apparently the kids are still inside, where the parents are, who knows". I watch as the flames grow higher, the crackling sounds surrounding the air as the heat is almost getting unbearable. Its at this point a strange feeling comes over me. Everybody stands around as the lives of who knows who hangs in the balance of the fire department that seemingly decided to take there sweet time. Somethings got to be done, and it doesn't look like anybody is willing to step up to the plate. Taking a look around I take a deep sigh, knowing what is going to happen next, what needs to be done. But that doesn't mean I particularly want to do it.                          
     Running inside I can hear the sounds of surprise that emanate behind me. Kicking open the partially open door I can see the walls on fire inside as the flames climb up eating away at whatever gets in the way. Up ahead through a short hallway is the stairs, to the left of that is the living room. Beyond that, well I guess it doesn't matter. "Hello!, is anyone up there. Call out if you can hear me..... I am here to help". I start to walk up the stairs, as they begin to break down and fall apart on me.  The handrails begin to burn with the smell of the paint and black smoke messing with my head. On the second floor the smoke is even worse. As it all culminates an gathers, trying to suffocate the lungs. I can begin to hear the whimpers coming from up ahead now. That appear to be from one of the back rooms. I remember one of the videos we watched at school. Saying that in a fire you need to get low to get away from the smoke. And as I crawl along the floor, I start to get the feeling that it might give way. With small holes forming everywhere and blackened wood starting to take over. I can almost near the sounds of oncoming death. As I continuously want to give up and go back. I reach up to open the door I think the sounds are coming from. But its hard to hear in all this mess." Is anyone here, can you hear me?". Waiting for a second I don't hear anything... until." We are in here, in the closet".
   There are two kids sitting there, faces all black from smoke. I grab the boy, as he is about four years old or so. The girl next to him has to be about ten, maybe nine. But no matter. Holding onto the boy I take her hand ducking her head below the smoke and head out back a few doors down to the patio. Most everything is engulfed now. My shoes begin to melt and I can just begin to feel what appears to be the back of my jacket on fire. We get outside to the patio(not quite sure how, but we made it anyway). Even the stairs down to the yard are mostly up in flames. But somehow we make it. The kids are crying as they clutch the grass. I take off my burning jacket, and shoes that are half melted. Checking the kids to see if there okay, I find no injuries, thankfully. At that moment the firemen show up grabbing the kids taking them out front to there family that just showed up, and to the safety of the medical staff. As I walk out front, nobody takes any notice. They're all too busy gathering around the two surviving kids and the parents that thank God they are safe. One fire man comes up and wraps a blanket around me, pats me on the shoulder in silence and goes back to what needs to be done. Looking back over to the house, the flames are beginning to subside. So I figure my work here is done, bid adieu, and make my way back home.

# *Day 3

I've got a headache, one of those ones that feel as if your brain is eventually going to blow out the front of your skull. It's hard to even think straight when this happens. I soon force myself awake,  and do as per usual. The same thing every morning, of everyday. At least up to this point in my life anyhow. I find everything just a little off today though, as if something in the fabric has shifted, although just slightly. I don't quite know if its the headache or what, I just have this uneasy feeling. Taking some Advil and coffee, I begin to feel better after some time. Unfortunately though, the uneasiness does not go away. Most of the day is spent at home, watching the television or cleaning house. Nothing all that exciting really. At about 4 o clock, the thoughts of the burnt out house from last night begin to enter the mind. Curiously, I wouldn't mind finding out what happened to it. I left fairly quickly as everyone was fixated on the kids. I start to somewhat pace, not wanting to go out but also wanting to at the same time. Like the two headed fish fighting to swim both ways at once. I decide that since its just down the block, why the hell not. It should only take a few minutes anyhow.
   I find the house all boarded up by police tape, with a small band of construction crews cleaning up the burnt remains of the once standing house. Its a strange sight to see, a pile of black smoldering rubble against a backdrop of fairly decent houses. As if a single bomb dropped on that very house. The sidewalk and parts of the adjacent road are still covered in ash, and all the commotion has all but died off.  With only a small group of people standing out front watching the action take place. "Was this your guys' place? They couldn't save it huh?".  He looks over and smiles, and who I presume is his wife doesn't glance at all. Instead still intent on what's happening with the workers. "No, no its not. But it was going to be. We were just in the process of buying it. I guess its good that we didn't".  We all stand there staring at the now vacant lot in silence. As I am not quite sure what else to say. "Well, at least the family got out okay". He nods his Head smiling, not quite looking over." Yeah definitely, thank God for that. Those fire fighters are pretty amazing aren't they. Risking life an limb for others. For no more than a thank you, crazy".
  This somewhat catches me off guard, taking a second to compose my thoughts and ask him the all important question." Wait a second, a fire fighter saved the kids, are you sure about that?". "Of course, of course". He says seemingly confused by me asking." Everyone was here, they all saw it with there own eyes. The kids were holding him pretty tight afterwards, still a little scared I guess".
     I decide to leave it at that, say my goodbyes, and be on my way. Now I know that the fire fighter saving the kids could just be a misconstrued idea of the goings on of last night. Seeing that he did carry him from the backyard. But I just can't shake the feeling, that uneasiness, that something is just not right. I go home pretty dazed, with my hands starting to shake the more I think about it. The implications of this is... well, well just crazy. As you know I imagined strange things before. But this is the first time a whole huge event took place without me even actually being there, as I thought I was. Did it happen, did it not, its hard to tell. Maybe I am going mad, or maybe I don't even exist at all. Its as if its all escalating, boiling over like a pot of water. Somehow, I end up falling asleep in front of the t.v, with the sounds of white noise lulling me too sleep.

# *Day 4

I am finding it hard to get out of bed this morning. The best thing to do I think is just stay here, secure underneath the warm comfort of the soft sheets. I do think about getting up and going out and whatever, but things just don't make any sense out there anymore. Its safer in here, nothing odd can happen in here if I don't happen to do anything. At least that's the idea. I do happen to get up for random bouts of coffee and bathroom breaks. I close off all the window shades and lock the doors, better safe than sorry I figure. You never know what type or kind of entity might be knocking upon those doors. I can hear the rain begin to fall, or what I perceive as so.
   At about 11 o clock or so I get a text from my girlfriend. She is at work and we haven't talked for days, if you can even think of that as talking. She asks me how my day is and what I am up to.  I gotten to the point where I don't really talk(IE.text) her that much, I just don't see what the point is anymore. She in turn doesn't like this, which she lets me know on a regular basis. But what she doesn't understand is the reasons why. I know we should talk about it, but oh well, whatever. Telling her everything is fine, which I know is a lie, she takes this and tells me one more day till she gets to see me. Where her enthusiasm comes from I don't know. Delusions maybe, so maybe we do have something in common. The rest of the day is spent in an out of bed. Every now and again getting brave enough to peak out the shades of the living room window, but just barely though.
   In the evening, at about 9 o'clock, I get up just to lay back down on the couch, to watch the night away in front of the television. Rerun after rerun of I already seen, makes its way onto the television until Letterman and the daily show come on. An before I know it the sandman has taken me away to the sweet sounds of the imagination. It seems lately everyday almost ends in the same way. During the day though,well that's a whole other story apparently.

# * Day 5

    The next day I awake to the sounds of snoring, which is weird since its not my own. At first I figure its just my imagination, that dream state between awake an sleep, where everything that happens is a might fuzzy. But after going back to sleep(for a undetermined amount of time) I find that it is not, as after awhile I hear the soft spoken words that appear from behind. "Honey, honey get up, we are gonna be late". I get up a little weary an soft eyed. Turn over, confused as to who it might be, and why she is in my bed. As I do find who it is, the shock hits me and leaves me speechless, but just for a minute(or two)." What... what are you doing here, didn't I! Didn't we".
   Its my old girlfriend, I broke up with her over a year ago. Why is she here, I have no idea.  "Its okay, its okay, your just a bit confused, you where sleeping pretty soundly, and you did just get up. Can you go make some coffee, I will be up in a second". She has always talked in a tone that made her sound more excited than she actually is, its hard to describe really, but that's the best I can get. Getting up I take a quick look around the house, going through cabinets, and cupboards and closets to make sure anything else is not my own. You would think I would be freaking out about now, but in the last few days I learned to go with it. I am more confused, discombobulated, more than anything else.
   After the coffee is made I begin to look through the pictures on the laptop. And doing so, admittedly, does begin to freak me out. Every picture I took with my (how to put it) actual girlfriend, now has my ex on it. Everything. Our trip to the zoo, her cabin, even my moms house up in Kamloops. Sitting there staring at the screen for what's got to be about five minutes, she eventually gets up and sits down beside me, with two coffees in hand." So, what do you want to do this morning?". Looking at her, I have so many questions I want to ask. But what if the other life was the dream, what if this is the actual reality. A kind of quantum leap of sorts between the two. Maybe that was what those little episodes were before, you know the whole imagining of events. (Even though it doesn't quite add up). Well, whichever one ends up being true, I figure, it might be best just to play along. 'Cause who knows, this life might very well be better.

.... and the sounds are dull

I don't feel right,
the cars are screaming//
and the sound is dull.

your nights are cold.
and creep up,
like death..

The flag have fallen beneath a blanket of fog.

    The flag has fallen beneath a blanket of fog. And the rain peters down from the overlaying clouds." So, how about it? What do you think?". She says this with a smirk, that underlies the fact she knows what I think i want." I can't, you know this. I have to deal with outside sources, if that's what you want to call it". Frowning, she looks off into the distance to the passing cars. "Well as I said before, she doesn't have to know".  Water runs down the windshields in a chaotic dance, as the wipers are sounding as if someone is dragging there fingernails across a chalkboard. "That doesn't matter, 'cause I will". 
   I am driving her home, home from work. Its just after 11 o'clock and the streetlights make the roads sparkle like some art house road movie. The time now passes in silence, until I pull up in front of her house, an she says." Are you gonna be okay?". I awkwardly smile, trying to figure ways to get out of this conversation i know is coming." Yeah, I will be fine". " Okay than, if you do say so".
    I now notice her arm reaching over clutching my leg, attempting to gently caress. To what means, I do not know. As I know it wont do any good to change my mind." I think I will be fine, thanks".  She still sits there though, with a half smirk, and hand upon my leg. As intermediate thoughts pass through my head. Her hand is getting ever higher upon my thigh, and for a split moment I am powerless to do anything as the blood rushes to other more unmentionable places. "I know you want it, don't you? Just one night, of fun. Than we never have to speak of it again. You know, if that's what you want?". My mind runs through the possibility of multiple paths, like some quantum computer. Doing different things at the same time. Although each and every one ends up ending basically the same. Not good, one way or the other.
    Grabbing her hand I hold it there for a second( as its hard to move, even if its the right thing to do) and eventually do move it after a couple. "I am not that guy, even if I, or you, or anyone really, wants me to be. And I do want to be that guy....Sorry, but this can't happen, not now anyway". She takes her hand away, and stares off towards her house, looking a Tad bit disappointed. "Well, I am sorry to hear that, but anyways, I will be here if u need me. Just don't make me wait too long."
    I watch as she walks out an slowly up the driveway,  eventually disappearing through her front door. I can't help but have a little regret to what just happened. A big part of me wanted to go through that door with her. But in the end, as I have said, would have just complicated things. Further than I wanted them to be(As its already pretty out there already). And as I drive home to an empty house, my mind is still back there, waiting outside, wanting to go in.

Story part 3 ( breaking down/stop making so much sense/thee end)

   Back at home, every creak, crack and noise that emanates is suddenly an apparition of sorts. But after all the discussions I can't help but figure there got to be another solution to all this. And the television seems lonely now, as day in and out I sit here on the couch with no one else but me. But that's a whole other story, for another day. As I think I have said enough already.
   Sitting here on the couch, the fear of the unknown has begun to bubble upwards. As I have this funny feeling that I am being watched. I turn my head back towards the stairs. An i can hear this somewhat Humm, that appears to resonate from up on the second floor. I turn, look up and... there, there she is. The woman I saw before. She has on this long white dress, the kind you see  in all the Hollywood scary movies. And its as if she is floating, drifting backwards, motioning me to follow. She moves upstairs, as I follow in silence, and confusion. After a short walk she turns toward my bedroom, and disappears.
   Standing there looking in circles, i pause, not quite sure what to do. Its at that point I hear a scream, coming from my room. I run inside and its all different. Decorated as if its Marty Mcflys moms room in the 1950's. The walls are what appears to be a faded pink, and everything has this polished almost fake look to it. There's a woman laid out on the bed, as the blood drips down and stains the bright blue covers that are carefully spread over the bed. And more than likely, she is already dead. I creep up slowly towards her, as if not to make a sound. And as I lean over to see who it is, her arm grabs mine and I jump back in a frenzied panic shaking uncontrollably to shake lose. Eventually breaking free i fall to floor and subsequently jump up, realizing... that I fell asleep, and hopefully, it was just a dream. I am still downstairs on the couch, the TVs a mess of white noise, and its past midnight now. Going into the kitchen to get a glass of water, I find my hands shaking. The dream was so vivid, I actually felt her hands upon me. 
    I put the glass back on the counter, rubbing my hand where she grabbed me. What I see though, I must say, frightens me to the very core. Blood! Not a lot of it, but it shouldn't be there to begin with. I check my arms and body for cuts and such, but there's nothing to be found. I find myself now at the kitchen table, not quite sure how I ended up there. For I am dazed, and out of sorts. I don't know what to believe anymore. I sit there for what's got to be about fifteen minutes, before I snap out of it. Going to the sink to wash my hands, to wash the blood off. But its not there anymore, and shows no signs of it ever being to begin with.  This is now getting ever weirder, passing through and into the haze of the not normal. So I stand there, like a bear in a cage you see at the zoo, that doesn't seem to be acting accordingly to what your used to. After a insufficient amount of time does pass, I try to shake it off as mere over tiredness. Its almost 1:30 now, so I go upstairs and get into bed. I end up doing the same thing kids do when they just watched a scary movie. Somehow believing to be safe by being within the comforts of the bed, trying not to open my eyes when its dark out.
   The morning comes in a slow spurt, like trying to get your sputtering car to the mechanics before it completely breaks down. Kind of how I felt last night, seeing I don't think I slept to much. This whole thing has gotten into my head. Making me believe things I normally wouldn't. I guess everyone can be fearful of the things they do not understand.
   I am up to about four cups of coffee now. Waking up, sitting with cup of coffee in hand, nothing better as far as I am concerned. It must just be the fear that pushes me, and nothing else. After a quick run to the fridge, finding nothing to eat, I figure its about time to do a bit of shopping. Maybe the fresh air will do me some good. Out on the empty streets the rain falls, coming down to earth in a slow slumbering procession. I have this old vintage rain jacket that I put on. One of those multi colored ones straight out of Woodstock, or that 70's show. There's a little place just up the hill, independently owned most likely, as its one of the few we have. Barney's I do believe its called.
  Inside the floors have a yellowish sickly hue, and all the tills look fairly run down, old and in need of repair. The people are friendly though, greeting me as I walk in. The isles are all small and crowded with no signs directing me to generalized ideas of what they might contain. I pick up a few things, produce, bread, sandwich meat and whatnot. Down one of the isles at the very end I can see the cooler in which they keep the dairy. A lady stands there partially blocking the view. She is dressed in this long off white wool jacket, with black pants and straight dark black hair.  I feel myself being somewhat drawn to her, almost as if I seen her before. I start heading down the isle, towards this woman, as I need milk and eggs anyhow. When halfway there she suddenly turns to me and smiles. Its her, the woman I seen in my dreams, how could this be possible. It can't, i don't.. i don't think. And as soon as I see her, she walks off, down to the right. I run down to catch her to find out who she is. But she is already gone, and nowhere to be seen. I walk the store trying to find her, although knowing that its pointless. I soon give up and head on my way.
   The rain still falls when I get outside. With many small streams making there way downward, like a flock of birds heading home for the winter. I can see all the people
With there umbrellas pass by as if there all floating independently from the ones that hold them. What a strange sight if I have ever seen one. Off in the distance though to the left, on the intersection, I see the woman once more. She stands there, up against the building, watching me.  Quickly turning the corner she has once again disappeared. Its almost as if she is taunting me, wanting me to follow. It suddenly appears to me that she is heading in the direction of my house. She would show herself for a second, than suddenly disappear. Which in turn wets my curiosity to follow. I figure, what the hell, I am wanting to go home anyways.  We are just a block or two from my house now, and I haven't seen her for a few minutes. Where was she leading me?, if she was actually doing so at all.
    I can see the house in the distance now. It appears as though the lights may be on in the living room. I don't remember leaving them on. The closer I get though, the more noticeable it gets. There is a flicker now emanating from the living room, but I don't think its my lights. My neighbor, the odd one, stands on his front lawn waving at me. As I pass him, still not sure what the strange light is, he says. "Hey neighbor, I knocked on your door earlier, to see if you wanted to come to our barbecue tonight. Everyone will be there. But as your lights aren't on, I figured you wouldn't be home". That's strange, does he not see the light, how could he possibly miss it. I decide not to say anything though, on the off chance of sounding crazy. Seeing all that has happened. "Oh, a barbecue huh, sure sounds fun. What time, want me to bring anything?". My mind is partially on this little puzzle. I am not sure how to approach this, But as I said before, its probably best not to. "Bring anything, don't be silly. The only thing you need to bring is yourself". As I am about to leave, I quickly say." Thanks for the invite, I guess I will see you there". I nod and say goodbye, and as I am about ten or so feet out I hear him calling." Wait! I didn't tell you what time, around six-six thirty". I turn around and wave, and walk home, to go see what's really on my mind.
   The flickering light still spills out of my living room window. Inside I run over to see what it is, but nothing. No light, no flame or flicker of any kind. Strange, I must say. I have had about enough of this. As far as I can tell this is never ending, and something needs to be done. Suddenly at that I can feel a immediate heat source upon my back. I turn around and the kitchen is on fire, at least somewhat at least. I run over to the closet by the front door and grab the fire extinguisher. I stand there paused and silent in shock. The fire has started crawling up the walls, blanketing every it comes in contact with, and consuming it. I start spraying a path on the kitchen floor, the walls and so forth. After a unknown amount of time passes, I have it (allegedly anyways) under control. Sitting there, watching the remnants of the fire extinguisher clings to the walls. I spot something strange on the kitchen counter, next to the fridge. No burn marks of any kind. I begin to wipe the walls from varying spots to see if anything else is the same. But nothing is apparent. Not really something you could miss. I go sit in the living room on the couch, to figure out what to do. I still have a couple hours till the barbecue, so I am not in any real hurry. Although I am finding it increasingly difficult To stay here. I am now beginning to think that the redheaded lady might be right, I wouldn't say that its quite haunted, but almost as if something is affecting me. Making me see things that may or may not be there. In all my experiences though, the evidence does speak for itself.
   I decide to do some research over the Internet( and forget the cleaning till later). Some one's gotta know something that could help me. Its hard to believe anything on these things though, as anyone can make some makeshift site and say whatever the fuck they want. So you really have to be careful. I do find this one site that shows promise. Apparently there this fairly large group with some paranormal scientists. Kinda like ghost hunters I guess. It says sometimes the specters or ghosts(whichever you like to call them) are benevolent,  and its more of a showcase of the pain and suffering that went on, almost as if they need to tell people what actually happened before they pass over. This, of course, is all conjecture. But they take these findings from the many cases they studied throughout the years. There's a whole plethora of info on here actually, most of which does not pertain to my situation.
    I look at the clock and its almost time to go. After everything that I read, and all the stuff I have seen. I think I finally understand(although i might just be delusional).  I now believe i know what needs to be done. To help the ones that have been regretfully lost. An so as I walk next door, to meet the people of this quiet little town. I can feel the heat gently push against my backside, cutting through the night like the glowing eyes of some hidden creature.


                                                      END

Meaningless(alternate.. take 2)

Closed doors
And open drawers

Kitchen sinks
And the
Over-bored

An empty house

With the
Not,
an no more

But once again
Withthewhat
Andwhat'sin,
A how
About

W\ a mindless grin

From a sometimes after
To a sometimes when