Let the mountains rise up/let the waters take over..

The city turns to suburbs, as the suburbs turn to farms. Slowly allowing the forest and the trees to take over. As the mountains rise up out of the ground as if by accident. " Are you hungry?". I ask, almost in mid-thought. She looks up with puzzlement, that gives way to a moment of silence. " I could go for something". We are about an hour and a half away now, just outside of hope, on our way to her cabin by lac la jeune. The sun outside beats down upon the road spreading its wings as it passes through the windshield, and the clouds up ahead are starting to gather. " There's a tims in town?". Asking outloud. And she slowly cracks a little smile." Yeah, okay, I could go for that". I take the next exit and head into town, the trees slowly dissipate and part ways allowing room for the buildings, cars and whatever else. Little shops line the streets, like soldiers preparing for battle, that end off usually with a gas station or some mom and pops restaurant. And next to the gas station to the left lies the tim hortons. Inside, we get our usual ( breakfast sandwich with bacon, hash brown, and a coffee) and take a seat by the window." So how long do you think we have?". Asking as she stirs her coffee. " You mean till we get there?". I say aloud, thinking to myself. "Yeah". She answers in this high type voice, as if the word has lost all meaning, or someone just did the hiemlich on her and it just suddenly shot out. " Oh,I don't know". I tell her, pausing sufficiently enough to seem as though, I might be calculating it in my head. " I would have to say about two hours and we should be pulling up". The crowd in here is now starting to multiply, and the line up is now almost out the door. Its warm outside, and I can feel the warmth coming through the windows. The mountains are in plain view, and you can see the clouds litter the sky every once in a while. " Do you think you might want to stop in merrit as per usual?". Every time we come up this way we stop in merrit. About half way to kamloops, three quarters the way to her cabin. Its become a kind of ritual as it may. There's this triple O's in town she likes. She thinks about this for a second and eventually shrugs her shoulders." I don't know, let's see once we get there. It should be lunch by than anyhow". I smile at this, nodding my head while simultaneously drinking my coffee. Afterwards we get up and try to find our way outside, as if passing through the labyrinth of the gods waiting for the minotaur at the end. And the radio plays godspeed you black emperor, as the strings slowly ascend to chaos with field recordings bursting out in between every once in awhile. I love driving down the highway in the middle of nowhere. You get to the point of believing the apocalypse might have happened as just at that point you hit some small town city somewhere. After about a hour or so, though, of driving, the earth begins to crack open forming valleys below. Grassy fields rise up as all the trees slowly dissipate and disappear, while over the cliff up ahead I can now see the inklings of society almost like it has been lost for centuries. A small town literally in the middle of nowhere. " Do you want to stop here, or just make our way through. We aren't too far off now, so?". I end kind of trailing off mid thought. As she sits for a minute, acting as if she never heard me.

Alternate ending/Amibreathingheavy

And
Can I,..
(Of all things)

Think of what
And What
Brings.

In love,
sorrow,

And the
Meaningof
Mustt

Soafterr,
Run will spring

staring out/an eternal breath

Drool,
Said him.

Between
What has,

Of who,

Like aches
They say

With bare
Where blue.

And for
For not,

And not, but
Who.

I hear the cracks in the floor whispering your name.

Empty eyes,
With above,

Behind.

From open arms,
Up close, beside.

To have not,
But what.

And why?

there's sorrow in here eyes

There's a sorrow in her eyes, a wrinkle in her breath. And an almost contempt arises from the air surrounding her. " Its cold in here". She says as she huddles across from me. Drinking hot water with a touch of lemon, she carefully presses the cup against her lips in preparation for the warming sensation that arises gently there after. " I guess". I mumble, pretending to look around for something, I don't know. The place is crowded, waitresses run back and forth stretching themselves out at every opportunity." Are you coming over afterwards". looking at me with confused eyes, and thinking about it for a second. She quickly responds." No, not today. I would much rather have a good nights sleep". I am never really sure what this means, as she has used this excuse times before. I give off a deep silent sigh, and relinquish the fact that this has been an ongoing problem as of late. Having left things unsaid, I know full well its part my fault. " You don't mind, do you?". " No, no, of course not. Why would I mind?". I can see our waiter off in the distance heading our way with arms full. I ordered the flat iron steak, she the garlic mashed potatoes with a mushroom chicken. Small talk ensues for the entirety of the rest of dinner. The waiter walks over takes the empty plates as I ask for the check. Outside the rain comes down, making the city covered in a glossy sheen. Afterwards, Sitting in front of her house, she gathers her things in preparation." You sure you don't mind right?". I smile slightly while just outside the sidewalks are left empty, and her house is left black except for one lonely light left on in the basement obstructed by bushes and limped out flowers. " There's always next week". Knowing full well what's written in stone. Making my way home, the streets are dull. I light up a cigarette even though I quit over two years ago. " Its okay". I think to myself. " Every once in awhile won't hurt". Inside the house I turn on the lights, take off my shoes and jacket, and find myself at the couch, watching a bit of TV. I go over the conversation at dinner a few more times in my head, still not knowing the meaning of the words she happily committed to. I do this for about fifteen minutes not paying attention to what may be going on on the television. Deciding to end it at that though, I go to the fridge to make a vodka cran. People are but a funny, confusing bunch. Like a bee caught in a torrent of rain, thinking only of getting to cover at once, only later realizing who or what they may have left behind.

i saw the sun briefly through the clouds

I saw the sun briefly through the clouds, trying to force its way through to its inherent destination. As I sit here underneath the trees watching the leaves sway while they eventually fall, and crumble. And the grasss moves in all directions as the wind gently strokes its hair. The trees all out stretch like the arms of an octopus, or a man with a thousand fingers. While the clouds all pass through making there way, to some town over the horizon, never quite stopping to pay a visit.

Another wayy of sayingg..

She said to me with a smile, and a crackle to her voice. " Where have you been lately". I looked at her with apparent disposition, " around, I have been around".
The place was empty, with pockets of noise coming from some unknown directions, and I can almost see her mouth mimic the words she's about to mutter." You haven't called me lately, I wonder why that is?". almost muttering to herself." I have been busy". And with that she looks at me like she's trying to deduce some mathematical equation, pausing between each sentence almost like she's catching her breath. The place is dark, with the corners of the bar almost unbearably so. The fans whir, and the bartender wipes down the bar trying to keep busy. " Its slow tonight, for a day like today". She looks around quite uninterested, as if she's scanning the pages of a text book. " I guess". Pausing in between with apparent uncertainty. " Your not answering the question, what is the reason for that". Talking like she has no inner dialogue, she tends to speak as if thinking to herself. And the sounds of her voice seem to crack under the pressure of thought. Her eyes are on the verge of death, and I know I should do what I came here for. " Nothing, its nothing, why don't we get out of here, grab a bite to eat". A smile wraps around here face, that seems to even surprise herself. Outside the rain is coming down, and I have found myself in this spot before. Never quite allowing to bring myself to it. I lend her my jacket, and we make our way down the street. The light falls down from the lamps above. And the buildings are silhouettes aspiring to reach to heaven.

Into the murky depths/pulling myself apart from different directions.

In the office the next day the fog has rolled in, surrounding my desk. With a dense forest cutting me off from the rest of the world, I can almost hear the birds chirping in the background distracting me from the job ahead. And everyone is busy being self-absorbed, only making little small talk when they pass by someone. Usually a quick hello or a ceremoniously head nod in which seems to mean I am too damn busy to open my mouth to create a sound of greeting. People are such funny creatures, they don't really tend to make much sense as a whole, even to themselves I suppose. Taking my break at the same time I normally do, I really don't feel like going downstairs to the usual spot, but I force myself anyway. In the coffee shop the tables are oddly empty, with only a few patrons peppering the land. I order my usual and take a seat in front just left of the door. I like to look out the window and watch the world go bye. And as I am off in my own little world I don't notice gail walk in and continue to sit beside me. I look over quite puzzled and quickly surmise that our relationship must have bounded back to its original state. She sits there, in silence for a time. I continue on with my coffee and such trying not to push. Eventually she looks up at me with a awkward smile, she begins telling how this is not how she intended this, and how she never really thought of me in that way, instead feeling pity for me, and stuff like that. Keeping it quick and to the point, gail ends it by saying she is dating someone else in the office now. She doesn't tell me his name before disappearing off into the street, but I guess it doesn't matter. I can suddenly feel the people closing in on me, waiting for what I may do next. Watching intently. I shove my head to the ground and race outside careful as to not see what others may be doing. Feeling my chest tighten its grip on me, I just need a breather. As I begin to calm a bit I start to wonder what exactly happened in there. I thought for sure luck was this time on my hands. As the wave of emotion begins to hit I take a deep breath and swallow, as I make my way upstairs back to my desk. Everyone is quiet now, as if I found myself suddenly in some silent movie. The office feels a little more lonely, don't know why, me and gail never really had a relationship in the first place. But hope is something I apparently have in spades. The day ends in quite uncomfort, my house is cold and the television sits not being watched. I end up falling asleep on the couch with the warm fuzz of the tv echoing out slowly waking me from my sleep.

Driving down the highway waiting to disappear.

The clouds up ahead act as mountains, towering above the sky in pillars of white. Coalescing, en twining and rising up out of the curvature of the earth. As the road up ahead slowly disappears into a singular point, and the sounds of cars move back and forth, in and out of existence. And my eyes try to push themselves back to sleep. while the grips of my hands gently slip from the steering wheel, I wake myself up with coffee, and cigerettess. As the rain continues to fall down onto the roof of the car, like the sound thousands all running at once, in the same direction. All the while we slowly disappear, into a singular point..

Roaming through the forest of old,( as god? intended)

And into the murky depthss. As the water rises slowly up over my knees. I notice many eye'ss peaking above the water, watching me, choking me, telling me to head back. This is not the way I want to go, they say. And the water seems to be pushing back upon me the farther I find myself now. The trees are getting thicker, and shadows do scurry across the proverbial landscape. There's dry land in site, just up ahead. Appearing as a almost mirage as it makes its way through the forest into the pupils of my eyes. But my heart does as well tell me to head back, that the road is dangerous, and lonely. Doesn't all men though eventually fight off fear, and envy, of other roads that might be traveled. And the water is getting deeper now, as it attempts to climb up above my chest. So I might as well push on, to see what lies ahead.

untitled an unsure..

In the Grips,

Of the daze,
Of days.

As it
Begs.
begins.

And starts off
in wavves,

Of Boredom.
And inconsistencies.

As my eyes
Do drift,

From
The very
Notion..

That each morning brings.
...

And for my heart is being once again freed, from this fleshy silence. And in grain toenails.//

The days seem shorter now, and the pains of reasonable doubt have shuffled off into the murky depths of distant memories, only every once in awhile coming up for air. And I can't remember the last time I felt like this, its oddly unnerving though. But I think I can get used to it nonetheless. And I am already here at work sitting at my desk, with a busy morning behind me of meticously grooming myself trying to look my best. Me and gail have been doing this at work now for about a week. I have been driving myself crazy all morning figuring out if I should ask her out on a real date or not. And as the first break of the day rolls in a strange occurrence happens as we are downstairs across the street having our coffees. She talks. And at length, at least compared to earlier versions of our conversations anyhow. Speaking of life, family and nondescript memories of gone past, she takes long breaks in between without actually saying that much in the first place. She's very poignant and to the point, careful about whatever she says and also stopping herself from saying to much. Fragments here and there as if she hasn't gotten used to the protocols of everyday conversations. Finally I stumble across the actions of asking her out, and she stops almost mid thought giving this look as if she is trying to solve some difficult math problem. She comes back repeating my words while asking if I mean a real date.
I answer with a yes, and she looks at me with some confused eyes, peeking at her watch while agitatingly bringing out that we must go back to work. I got to say I am a bit disappointed at this but its nothing that's all that new. So I give off a deep sigh and follow her upstairs back to work. The rest of the day is slow paced and depressing, everyone here seems to walk in slow motion as I myself is somehow outside of that bubble. I can feel more of a cast out now, watching the villagers, pray, dance, and love as they hop around the proverbial fire. I get more work done now though then normally, as I try to avert my eyes from scanning certain surrounding areas. As lunch comes around I don't have the energy to drag my knuckles outside, so I stay in at my desk while grabbing a few things in from the vending machine in the lunch room. I see that gail is not at her desk, more likely meaning she went to lunch downstairs I am guessing at least. And its quiet in a room full of no people. I should have known this was coming, pushing to hard against surfaces that aren't really there to begin with. The day finally ends dragging its heels against the cold floor. I start picking, and putting away my things as gail in the background does the same. But as I am ready to go I pretend to be busy just so I don't have to pass her by. She is only over ten feet away and I miss her already. As cracks in the floors open up bringing about caverns with broken and fallen bridges peppering the land. And I guess its time to make my way home. I don't think she lives that far from here, as every now and again I can see her walk home in the opposite direction of me. In life and reality the same birds do always sing, and all the buildings appear as ghostly apparitions watching my every movement as if in preparation to pounce. And the people who still walk the streets are but shadows of once past. And at home I can't seem to sit still, pacing back and forth wearing out the carpet behind the couch in the living room as david letterman yells through the tv. I try to sit down but the events of the day keep running around my head,bouncing off my cavern walls giving me a headache. And I can't help but not fall asleep. Trying to calm my nerves I go to the kitchen to make myself a midnight snack, a peanut butter jam sandwich and some grape juice. I sit on the couch staring at the tv trying to forget the actions of the day. Letterman is his usual self, pointlessly funny. His guest today is woody harrelson from some upcoming movie I had no idea about. And finally after about a hour or so at home I feel my eyes start to drift off in the numbness of the unconscious mind. And so it is as I find myself fallen asleep on the couch with the tv on, as I have done once or twice before.

There's nothing else left for me, so I might as well just stand here/the city she's beautiful when u might as well not even be here

The rest of the day is a slow mess of nerves and dancing fingers. I try to not let myself look over in desperation. Being forever glued to my desk in a sort of self served tunnel vision. She must think I am crazy, always trying to talk myself into not making a complete fool after that in some misinterpreted attempt at happiness. At the end of the day I pack the few things from home and walk downstairs out the door. The city now is dark with a thousand glowing eyes hovering over the streets as if the stars are slowly descending. All the shops are closed or closing, and people still clumsily wander the street looking for the next attempt to lose there ability for good judgment. Reaching my house all is black, so I open the door and immediately turn on the lights in the living room. I put my things back into there little compartments and take my self away on the couch watching TV. I do the same thing pretty much each night, letterman and the daily show. The lights of the TV encompass the room and act as almost strobe lights I would imagine for anyone watching from the outside through the windows. The silence penetrates the room every time I mute the television, and the darkness moves around the room getting ready to pounce when the lights go out. The next morning I get up with the light coming through the window in between the blinds. I get up and make coffee than watch random crap on tv. Everyday is pretty much the same for me. From morning to afternoon and night. A creature of habit you might say. But when you have no friends to speak of there's really no other choice. I get a early start to work this morning and the streets are crowded, after a quick stop for coffee I make my way trying to push myself through the crowds to get myself to work. People walking in the streets blocking traffic as horns are blaring from every direction confusing the ears. I don't own a car and this is precisely why. Walking into the building I see the two twins through the mess of people trying to talk to multiple men and woman all at once. The wait for the elevator is now unreasonable so I head off up and out of the stairs. As I pass gail heading to my desk I give a quick smile and a good morning. She looks up an bares her teeth in a grin and says the same. She has never said that to me before, I wonder if I made a impression the other day, and with that my mind starts to unravel with loosely based possibilities. In the back though, I know I should let things be and move on, how many times have I been in a situation like this and it always turns out wrong. I am not the one to learn from past mistakes apparently. But this lonely life of the ridiculed man needs to come to an end. I am tired of being tired. Every night staring at the box living life through the many images of hugh, sandra bullock and many more like them. For the next hour or so the sweat on my brow pools and coalesces, periodically storming through the castle walls watering down my eyes. Making me every now and than wipe them down with my sleeve. As I am about to get ready to go out for a coffee an unexpected thing happens, and I find gail standing before me smiling a very slight smile. She looks down as she plays with her fingers nervously not really making eye contact. Seeing the bewildered agitations of sweat she hands me a handkerchief and continues to ask if I just might be going down for coffee. As she speaks the words they appear almost broken and unsure as if she can hardly believe them herself. I look up at her and after a short pause finally let out a distant and confused yes. She asks if I will join her and I agree, the walk downstairs is somewhat quiet and perplexing at the same time. I ask about her day, she gives me a quick yet assertive good so far. And I complement her on her looks today and she gets a little red in the cheeks and thanks me. As much as I hate to admit it though, this whole think reeks of ulterior motives, or I may just be paranoid. I can't help but be so confused right now. We get our coffees and take a seat by the window, she gets a muffin while I a scone. And its almost comforting sitting here in silence. I continue in little tidbits of small talk in which I am just a tad more successful than yesterday. She answers everynow and than with the typical nod or bairly visible yes or okay. After awhile though I just kind of give into the silence and enjoy her company . It goes like this day in an out for a few, I will talk a little each day telling her about myself eventually just doing the same and being silent for the most part never quite knowing where she's coming from or why she asks for my company each day. But those moments we have that I begin to look forward to do start clouding over my mind from the rest of my duties each day. I try to be at my best though,opening doors, pulling out chairs and trying to be complimentary without going overboard. And life starts to do a surprising thing, as everything around me begins to gradually fade and move away bringing about a little bit of happiness into this world torn soul.

Happiness is an ill attempt at self satisfaction-I die a little inside each day...(part 4)

Half way through the day I am out to lunch, but I find it more comforting to stay in and marvel at the emptiness inside. I look across my desk and a thought passes my mind that maybe I should clean myself up, in a weird attempt that maybe it will do some good. As I begin to organize my papers and such I see out of the corner of my eye that gail still sits at her desk just like me eating her lunch. Her eyes graze across mine and it reveals a slight smile that makes me wonder what quite is going on. Was she smiling at me or the notion that I am busy scrubbing my desk clean. As I do find myself doing ridiculous things each day seeing that I found myself in the bathroom combing my hair in front of the mirror just now. I go about this almost everyday in a ill attempt at nothing else but stupidity. Back at my desk I finish up cleaning, organizing and making everything pine fresh. I sit down quietly as only a few stragglers are still making there way around the office, usually the ones who started early or eat here somewhat like me. So sitting here quietly, finishing up my lunch, while trying to look my best periodically looking over to see if she might notice. And the worlds a messed up place I might say so myself. How awkward it is or making it do be to do something as simple as walk over and ask her out to a drink of some sorts. And there might as well be two walls a country and the deepest ocean between us, and with that thought the rest of civilization. Like a mother that gives her child up for adoption, unwanted and unrecognized. Society it seems has a blind eye. But It could be worse, at least I am not on the street. I am not at all a personable person, never knew how to approach others and make friends. The length of my hair makes people think I might be dirty or some tree hugging hippie. I don't know, either or I have succumbed to my fate a few years ago, but with a inkling of hope rising up out of me every now and then. Deep down though all I really want/need is someone by my side to wake up to each morning. It gets lonely at night when your heart is only but one half of a full heart. But enough already of that. For the rest of the day up until my last break I am nervous/paranoid to get up and do anything. This time I get up and head on downstairs to the streets of man across the road to this little coffee shop. I usually don't drink coffee this late in the day but I feel tired, bored, and my legs are sore from sitting so long. Inside I stand in line not really paying to much attention to my surroundings. I order a regular coffee and a pastry and make an attempt to find a seat. But in my surprise it all seems to be taken, except this little two seat table in the back left by the window. The window faces the back alley with this giant weird mural of a blackened cityscape with the red of the sky burrowing over it. A faint figure in white towers over with arms outstretched almost hugging the city in what appears to be some kind of condolence. A prediction of what may come perhaps, or just a overzealous religious man who takes the bible a little to literal. And at that I can feel a presence watching over me as I just than hear this voice call out, "excuse me." I look up as my jaw almost bumps itself upon the table, its gail the girl from the office. She asks me if she can sit down as all the tables are now taken. I tell her it would be my pleasure as my hands can't stop from shaking. I manage to painstakingly get out a how are you doing today, that must have felt awkward and a little creepy as it surpassed the table and met her ears. She looked at me and gave a quiet yet quick okay. I guess maybe she doesn't just like talking, or maybe its me. A five minute pause passes by and I can hear all the words that make up the conversations from the people that surround me. They all move around the room and finally coalese and join each other to make phrases and such that don't make really any sense. Finally I give out a slow sigh and tell her that if she doesn't want to talk it doesn't bother me. She smiles softly and says that that isn't the case," i have never been the one for words". I know what you mean, I have always had trouble meeting people so I have just learned over the years to keep my mouth shut. I tell her this as I try as I might to not to stare. For the rest of the time we just sit there quietly enjoying our coffee and whatnot. And Its oddly comforting, as if we have known each other for years and are quite alright with some periods of silence. And my time here is almost done, as the shop slowly empties into the streets and we all wander our way back to work.

I want to live forever/ let's all die young/ or how I recently found myself disappearing.. (part 3)

nside, the muffled voices of the masses mix togethor to make a deafening noise of inconsistencies. But there's still a clear path to the front desk, surrounded by pillars, with chairs, tables and people alike just beyond that. And the two girls who sit there look oddly alike, short black haired ladies who might have just been ripped off by the two fairies of mothra, I don't remember seeing them before though, I don't see how I could have missed something like that as I have been here day in day out, but I shake it off as not paying attention and begin to move on my way. Everyday I take this elevator I believe that all the people are of the same likeness, long lost twins, brothers, or the exact same person from different timelines or dimensions. The walls here smell of sweat and wd40. Outside in the office on the 12th floor the lights are staring down unflinching watching all who pass. And I can't see myself in the windows as I make my way down the hall to my desk. I guess that's got to be some sort of sign. My desk now is way of to the back in the left hand corner, the proverbial desert of the twelfth floor. And it sits in ruin as the mess can almost make its way to the ground below. But I get the work done nontheless. Probably why they don't say anything, as they have never heard but a peep about a raise from me or otherwise. I am quite content at doing what's given and going home. The people are absent from about a block radius around my work station. And I can't help but feel like I want to be part of the team. I have tried some many times that have all but ended with failure. Office parties, birthdays, or just generally getting togethor for drinks afterwards. Like a virus people tend to cover there mouths when I happen to be around. I made peace with it quite sometime ago, or at least made them believe so. They have a way of looking right through me as if I am not there. Or a look of complete disgust as if they have just been approached by somekind of mutated animal. I am not quite sure how it all started, I just have a way with people. Its not like I am dirty or anything. I keep very good care of myself. I have to admit at giving up to some degree at some fairly recent point in time. But I still happen upon a shower each day, even if my work space says otherwise. But there's a woman here in the office who reminds me of me, and this story it has taken a quite interesting turn. And she does in the, I might add, sense she doesn't talk to too many people as well. I have tried to approach her at certain intervals throughout the days. Never know really what to say. Always finding my mouth crawling amongst the floor looking for verbal scraps of food. She is not the type of girl most guys go for, but for I am not most guys. Today she is wearing what appears to be a polyester skirt or dress that barely shows the top parts of the calves. On top of that lays a white button up that doesn't seem to fit that well covered by a dark green cardigan that is bound and determined to drown her beneath its bottomless waves of fabric. Even her body language proves shy. As everything she reaches for or perhaps does she stops herself half way in to think about the precautions and maybe consequences. And in all I think she's beautiful. As she glows in distant parts of the corner of my eyes. After some nervous quite laughter and multiple attempts at getting my hands to stop shaking. I get up to pretend to go past her desk way to the left opposite of the windows and the rooms full of supplies in which I will go into for no reason what's so ever. I try to keep my head up high and not watch the floor as I approach and find an odd smile run across my face as I say hello and make my way into small talk. I manage to ask about her day, but she just looks up as if forcing herself to do so and gives a subtle good and fine as she goes right back to her work and ignoring me just the same. And I stand there like a complete idiot, mumble some incoherent nervous nonsense and make my way out. As I turn on the computer it quietly whiirrs itself awake from its long slumber, and immediately shoves its light right into me choking my eyes shut but just for a second. I would peroidically find myself getting bored and strained from sitting here as well all day. So I started to take little micro walks to get my blood flowing once more and stretching the muscles that cramp and twist themselves like some lovelorn womanizing snake. That apparently gets a lot of tail. And the end of the day is still far outstretched. The hours pass at a slow moving crawl, and the people walk around in distant mumbles of a rumbling heart. After about a hour or two I lock up the computer screen and decide to make my way down to grab a quick snack. I find the girl, gail I believe her name is, not at her desk. She must have had the same thought I just had. As a smile makes its way upon me in the thought we might find each other once more. Across the street there is a vendor selling some hotdogs and such, you can get all sorts and variations. I have always been the one to get just mustard on mine. Boring people liking boring things, I imagine.

the easy way out of a nonexisting endingg

in the lonely life
Of trees..

And incandesant light bulbs.

And the spaces
Between death,
And life.

And somehow madness.

of how what beginsss.
An empty house.

a harmless grin..
The sounds of silence,,.

Of in what just did.

And i screamd..

And i
screamd

with death.

but only did
how,

could you,
Smear from love.

as never will he,

show storm,
an may

as men
   must go

through life
w/ void.

There 's death in his eyes...

There's death in
His eyes.

(Or a misstep in the heart)

And the hair does covers his face,
Strangling the neck.

I can hear his heart
Reverberating,
Shaking,
Cracking,
Stumbling over the ground
Below.

And the sweat above
My browww Washes
over my face.

As the nerves rummage
Through the body
Making my
Hair stand up and
Take notice.

And the clouds upstairs
Are getting angry.

As they as well
Come down once again
upon me.

My feet are firmly planted to the ground below...

For love of
Want/need

And so, did so blindly.
With eyes closed,
(Feet like trees)

But what is,
After not.

A run towards death.
As such, a lifelike scene.

But who knows,
What madness will bring.

A life come madly,
Or a death in spring.

#2. Part two/ or how I cannot somehow complete whole sentences.

After watching for prolonged amounts of time, I can feel the zombification coming on in. As my body slowly succumbs and becomes one with the couch as it outstretches its arms and starts to assimilate myself like some borg offshoot of evolution. And at this point, I believe it good to get up and get ready for work, before my mind breaks up and breaks apart. In the kitchen the walls are painted a dull blue, they haven't been painted over in awhile and give off a kind of retro feel to it all. The cupboards are of those ugly browns that your grandma had since the dawn of civilization.I can still hear the tv in the background as I rummage through the cupboards looking for whatever I can find. I usually make the same thing pretty much everyday. A sandwich that consists of peanut butter and jam and the usual line up of something I can just chew on like almonds or carrots or the like. After the kitchen lay in a crumbled mess of the unwanted pieces of bread that for unknown reasons decided to bail mid sandwich. I get dressed and do what I need to in the bathroom. Opening the door to the outside world is much like the supposed experience of dying. There's a bright white blinding light and than gently in the distance some figures start to appear, but in this case you don't get all the mess of being dead. A hamper on the rest of the day I would believe. Just to the right of my house across the street the buildings begin to rise up, the corner of the city called chinatown that's so full of locals and tourists alike, but a great place to eat nonetheless. The streets here are always crowded with the wide eyed and confused as they cram push and at times force there way into the shops to buy crap they will eventually discard into the lower rungs of the outside world. and It has a type of apocalyptic poetry to it all, as the buildings here are leaning on the side of should be torn down. All the alleyways as I pass by have a very human scent to it, in the worst possible way. And the walls are all covered in graffiti and cracks that seem to emanate from the very core of the earth.the coffee shops here are all asian owned and operated and mostly do bubble tea. The best I can find is a esquire that is oddly crammed in between to other buildings that appear comparitively broken . This is the usual place I hit whenever I might find myself out and about. But two streets over and to the right towards the house is a ittle fast food shop that arguably sells the best chinese food in the city, so on most days you might normally be able to find me.but back Inside the coffee shop I order just a coffee two sugars and be on my way, outside the doors I attempt to light a cigerette but the slight wind factor doesn't permit me for about two or three tries. And the people are pushy, as I try to get out of there way. I usually stop here almost every morning, not sure why, complete boredom I imagine. Seeing I have enough coffee at home to do me the day. Its getting to be that time when the tourists really  come out in hoards and have there confusion laced frenzy of which way to go. In the distance I can begin to see the outer linings of the office building. One half of it has the windows peeking around the corner like some crazy old man stocking some unknowing prey. And the city is a lonely place when your all alone, for I have been doing this for entirely too long. But this happens every morning, the closer I get the more seemingly tired I become. The problem I believe stems from the fact I know how my whole day is going to draw out. And it will be like that tomorrow the next day and until untold weeks on end. The office windows now tower over me, watching me with those disdain and judgmental eyes. And the hairs upon the back of my neck stand up. And it almost overpowers me, drawing me in like some star wars tractor beam. So I can't help but giving up, and giving in

The lonely life of trees./thinking to myself in a disorderly fashion.

Outside the window the tree has overtaken the yard, partially blocking out the sun. The fence is broken and tattered in places with the white paint being chipped off and weathered. And the world keeps on going by no matter what I may do with myself. Almost as reassuring as a thought can be, an just as isolating. My hands are clasped around the lip of the window sill, and my hair falls in my face every now and than as I brush it back against my earlobe. But I can start to smell the scent of coffee running through the air and contaminating the walls and the counters,as they are a mess, but I haven't been in the mood to clean in days. I have one of those single serve coffee makers like the ones you see in offices or something, a little smaller but all the same none the less. And I don't usually work in the mornings. Which I like actually. Just to be able to sit around all morning and relax is pretty nice. I am used to being by myself, as I have been doing that for a few years now. I have been in a relationship or two though, but haven't for reasons unknown worked out. It always ends almost the same, they breaking up with me or stop calling all togethor. I suppose its destiny, as some might call it. And so with that in mind, and coffee cup in hand, I go take a seat on the couch. Its one of those old thirties ones with the wooden arm rests and the ugly green fabric. The coffee table actually fits in quite nicely,as its perfect as one of those fifties kitchen tables, I just shortened the legs. I got it from this garage sale a few years back, I had no use for it but you don't see them very often anymore. I love going to garage sales. Digging through peoples crap they don't want or care for no more. Sad in a way. These were once all great and sought after stuff.On the most part. Now all have fallen and found there way at the bottom. But that's ok, we all find our way there eventually, some earlier than others. Now flipping through the channels on the television proves all but boring. As i only still get the basic channels, And too many channels usually brings confusion along with it. And this is my normal everyday madness of getting up before work. My idiosyncratic routine of day in and day out. I work just a couple blocks up in a office building, a editor for some midlevel paper. How I got the job I will never know. I have my own little office there all cut off from the rest of the people. Why should work be any different than the home. But I am getting off topic, and off focus, as the television is still yelling its name at me to find a channel I might rather prefer. So after surfing around a bit and finally finding one I put the controller down and begin to feel myself start to relax. Some educational show on volcanoes, specifically the one in yellowstone. Odd how things work out. As I am sitting here in the false pretense of security all the while mother nature plots and plans against us, meaning to or not. How fragile a society we are, sitting like kings, as the cavalry slowly rolls in.

untitled and uncomplete (lack of#8)

Inside the cafeteria the dust has settled. And abruptly taken over, seemingly. The tables are empty, and the chairs are dead. And as it seems they seem to be shot down, tipped over, or generally scattered about. And the place is creepy, even more so than the rest of the place. The walls creak as the fans moan and yearn and call out your name. With every step I take the dust does rise, fall and make its way to the bottom of my feet. Going towards the kitchen the counters are empty, the tills are silent. And the little windows to view today's menu is all but lacking anything that might be considered food. I jump over and go to the back in the kitchen. In here everything is a mess. Pots, pans and everything in general have somehow found there way to the floor or piled themselves in neat little mountains in the sinks spilling over like a man made volcano. Some of the many cupboards are open as I drag my finger across the metal surface of one of the counters. And the dirt has piled itself on and over and back onto itself. I dig through a few shelves here and there pushing my way through numerous diseased and filth encrusted silverware bowls and every now and than what appears to be what used to be some kind of edible unknowns. I would think at some point I would notice some kind of rust of decomposition in the metal or even wood at one time or another, but it only appears to be the food that has done that. Maybe I haven't been here for too long after all. In the back I can see what appears to be a freezer door or something. Burrowing my way through the mess I make my way there to open the door. Inside all the ice has over run and taken over,ice crystals hang from the ceiling like knifes. And I feel like I am in some indy movie, as if its going start to come down on me any second now. And I am bored, tired, and not wanting to do this anymore. I knock down some of the ice and begin to go through the shelves finding everything gone beyond recognition. After about twenty minutes or so. And Its surprisingly roomy in here as I make my way around pushing all the stuff from side to side slowly getting a little more frantic as the time passes. But it all seems to be falling apart. After about half an hour or so I give up and head back out. Everything here seems to be gone with time past. And I guess its time to be on. As I find myself on my way, all the tables are still in there disorderly fashion. And footprints are abound. I stop suddenly and bring my shovel up to my shoulders in unwanted anticipation. And from the door I see them arise. One after the other in a most chaotic matter pushing shoving and generally making the way toward me. I look down with a sigh and take a deep breath and think, you know what, fuck it! And at that I run towards them, knocking the first one in the gut and doing a one eighty hitting another behind then back to the first with a mighty blow downwards to the head. And there's no time to think as they continue to surround and make there way in. So I jump on one of the tables swinging at anything that attempts to come at me. And I am looking out over the world on the verge of death. As I continue to kick, punch, and do whatever it takes to keep them off as I see only one way out. And there all packed in now, making a more so than not circle around me. So with a deep breathe and a uneasy sigh, I go for it. Stepping on heads shoulders whatever I can as I cautiously ( and as probably of no help) clutch onto the ceiling above. And miraculously like some crazy scene in a movie I make my way to the door. Swinging at anything that might try to make its presence known. Through the door, without even thinking, I run my way to the front of the hospital, make a sudden pause as if I am making some leap over some cliff to the waters below. And open the door. Outside to the right there's a yellowish white wall parallel to me running about 50 or so feet . On the left a small garden fixed with trees and small colorful flowers of some kind. As I stand there looking around wondering what to do next. I notice that there is no discernible smell to conceive of. The clouds in the sky look relatively similar to each other. And something just somehow doesn't feel right. I look back upon the doors that followed and all the things,creatures, or whatever are all banging on the door. Like they all want to come out but just can't figure out how. I start to make my way to the end, trying to focus on what may eventually be out there. The shovel in my right hand hangs lazily against my feet , and I hang onto it more tightly than ever now. At the end I find myself standing in front of the hospital parking lot. And its all but empty, a complete lack of cars or any human presence whatsoever. And it feels lonely standing in the dark with no apparent world to conceive of. Out in the distance I can see the buildings jettison out of the ground like old retired monoliths from countless ages ago. The grass has now but overgrown, finding its way through the cracks in the pavement. And the lights situated throughout have all but died out seemingly years before. through the parking lot land across the street lay a couple of buildings that are more than likely deserted. Made up of bricks they bare the strain of unrepair. I motion to open the door of one of the shops here and notice a lock hanging there on chains covered in dust an dirt. I shake the door around a bit not quite sure what to expect, but nothing happens. The windows are shaded over with overgrown dust. And there appears to be a complete lack of color, instead going for a few shades of grey. Oddly enough though the only color I have seen is the flowers in the garden by the hospital. As I walk up and around the corner I now see the nature of things taking hold and wrapping themselves around the buildings. But i guess everything looks colorless under the light of the moon. Down the street a little more the city rises up higher and higher. I check a couple more doors on the way down and there all locked. Looking inside all the windows everything is still in perfect order. As if the people have all but vanished. But if that is so than why all the locked doors. A ways down a bit I finally find a open door, a little corner market that's named appropriately. Up around the corner or some odd name like that. Inside the fruit is past on. The floors are all cracked, and you can still see glimmers of the true color every now and than. The normal checkered black and white. The walls are a washed out green, with the dairy coolers surrounding the room. In the back to the left I notice the bottles of water in one of the coolers. I grab a bunch and stuff my clothes with as many as I can. Off in the distance, not too far away, I can still see the silouette of the hospital. Slowly disappearing to the point of being unrecognizable.

Barebones

bare

and
yet

none
like sea.

but man do
take, need

and
about after...

knife like dream

In the mountainous regions of the heart/the city lay dying..

The motions of the streets are making me sick. And the unkind and disastrous. And the people are mindless, or of no mind at all. But I can't help but see the whitewalls of the back alleys of society. The glowing gestures of but a few are forever ingrained on the complex neurons of the electrical patterns of the brain. And I tend to wander, if not incomprehensibly. The streets start to pile up with the people of the dead. as the cars do choke on themselves. And the buildings have all but raised there hands in some accordance to the closer I get to god. The perhaps better I may be.but Its getting hard for me to walk these streets anymore. As the city she gets smaller. With all the people at my feet. And the cold walls of concrete feel lonely. As I pass through this world as a ghost, a spirit, a figment of ones imagination. Walking through the disobedient walls of the structures of man, and woman alike. So another day has past, where god has not spoken, or has fallen just on deaf ears. Or maybe I have been not listening. And the end of the day seems so far away, a mass of confusion. With fits of clarity, and haze. But the world is what we make of it, or so it seems. The little patches of grass that accompany the street seem out of place now. The trees are distant, and the silence of the air is mystifying. And its time to go back home, to fall back out of this world. But the sun in the sky is beautiful, at the end of the day.

the insights are often difficult yet insightful...

from man,
and want.

like running
drunk through
forest

above those
who gone

though can,
must go

with a delicate
death

and life

but love

and did so madly

and the birds begin to sprout from the cracks in the walls

weak,
with lust

and always for
what

she said,
when lie

from only to next

stop reconciling and give up already....))

be still,

and sleep,
and after but

have, fall

but beneath
and over.

for he may love
ache, moan,
and leave like whisper.

In the presence of such glorious minds. ( lack of #7)

In the presence of such glorious minds, how have we come, to a time as this. A desolate perversion, if there ever was one. With our once so masterful unwillingness to forgive, forget( and try as we might to not act as god)and all the air is covered in a greyish silence, the hospital seems lonely, and out of place. Downstairs I can hear the distant mumblings of death, and uncertainty. The walls crumble with the voices of the what was once past. The ground here is covered in dust, and no footprints are to be found. I am just about on the otherside of the cafeteria now. Making my way ahead to the front doors all the lights are somewhat on, trying as they might to make there way back to existence. And all the doors are closed, except the two(unusually) up ahead. As I try to get my way nervously past the first open door, something unexpectantly jumps out at me and knocks me to the floor. And I can't tell how many there may be as I punch, and kick, and elbow my way back to my feet. I find two of them, one wearing a tattered grey overcoat with the other brandishing a type of fast food/cafeteria garb. And I am a little bloody, a little bleeding, as it trickles down my face and rests on my cheekbones. So with my cane firmly in hand (and without thinking) I race towards them, tackle one against the wall as the cane merges with the torso of the other. He falls to the floor as in the corner of my eyes I elbow the other as I see him( or it)coming towards me. And with some strange natural reaction I turn around toward him and grab his head as he falls and slam it into the wall behind. So exsaperated, and as always, confused. I figure its no point in dwelling on the problem of how I might have pulled that off. Laying down my head in a sigh of relief, I move on. I am finally passing the cafeteria. And as my stomach grumbles I realize I have not had food yet in quite awhile. But I figure before hand, maybe I should see if I can update my weaponry, as high class as it might be. And with all the unorganised chaos of death, I completely forgot about the bleeding that just so happened to be just now trickling down the side of my face. I think behind me a few doors there was a closet type room for all the stuff they might need( a storage room perhaps). Finding the room unopened, unlocked, and almost as if it has been gone through before. Inside the plethora of junk is neverending, and everywhere. Is there maybe someone here with me, that I haven't seen. Another plane of existence. Or is my imagination getting the better of me. I might not even be here at all. But still sleeping on that bed upstairs.just fighting, wrestling, stuggling with myself. Inside I find a few shovels, some flashlights along with other nonsensical crap. I grab them both and maybe wouldn't mind sharpening the end of the shovel, the way I seen in some movie or tv show I can't remember the name of. But it will be fine for now. And so at that, I make my way off back to the cafeteria. In hopes of once more finding food.

Into The descent of madnesss( andotherr). monstrosities(lackof#6)

And the next morning when I awake I still find the darkness clawing up against my bedside. I take a look at the clock somehow hovering above the door attached to the wall, and it has seemed to have stopped at just after four o clock. I am feeling a little groggy, and the world seems a little fuzzed. Taking a look around I find the room empty, but my eyes are still grasping to get used to the night. I make a ill attempt at getting up off my bed as I bump in all sorts of unidentified objects. All the beds are sitting silent empty devoid of any human interaction. And I notice something that I just happen to notice, in the far left corner the tv is on with the unheard sounds of white noise washing over the rest of the room. But it doesn't seem to give off any sort of light. As I make my way a little closer I suddenly hear the eerie silence of footsteps somewhere outside the door. And for a second I find myself paralyzed. Unable to move. I eventually get my footing and slowly go towards the door. As I take a slight peek around I find all but empty spaces. The desks, furniture and other miscellaneous hospital supplies are covered in dust and abandoned. How long have I been asleep exactly, or am I just maybe sleeping. I am a little confused, misplaced, or lost. I go to turn the corner once more and in the background appears a object covered in blackness in what appears to be a human form. And I am not quite sure what to do next. I think to myself for just a second and suddenly I remember the cane beside my bed that I hope is still there. And as I find my way back it is still miraculously still there. For now,anyway, this is going to have to do. Peaking once more around the corner the strange object isn't where it once was. I crouch down back to the wall and make my way across the hall to behind the nurses desk. Slowly looking over I take a quick 180 view of everything around except the wall behind. I get up and make my way around the desk and down the hall just back and to the right of the elevator. All the doors are mostly closed, and so I decide to open one. The little placard on the door says dr. Daniels, and light from inside escapes through the crack between the door and the tiles below. I raise the cane in front of me and attempt to open the door with the end of it. Inside I cautionally turn my head to take a look see . And behind the desk I can see what I can only believe to be the doctor mister daniels. I get a little closer tiptoeing up and gently tap his(with the cane I might add) arm hanging down from the side of the chair. Suddenly the eyes open as I fall back, he jumps over and on top of me and as I struggle to get loose I somehow grab the cane and with the blunt end shove it as hard as I can into his left temple as he twists, convulses and falls beside me apparently stopping moving after a few seconds. And at this moment ain't I happy he has a soft head. Getting up I immediately close the door, and I am as frightened as I have ever been. Now as I really begin to wonder what the hell is happening I find myself frantically pacing around the room, nerves piling up to the rooftops, and palms sweating profusely. I stop and take a look at the body and I haven't noticed before in the frantic pace that just happened to go on. But, he looks odd. I get down on one knee to get a little closer and his pale skin seems colorless, his eyes are colored over in white, and his nails are brittle or all but fallen off. I may not know what's going on, but I know one thing, I need to get the hell out ta here. Rummaging through the desk I find a few things he oddly I might add keeps in some of the drawers. Some scalpel types things mainly, and some rudimentary rope of some kind I can use to tie some of the knives things to the end of the cane, and the best I can do for now can hopefully help immensely. Everything else is pencils, pins papers and other office memorabilia. Stuff I can't see any immediate or future need for. Opening the door it creaks quietly cutting through the silence already in the room. I make sure I look both ways like they taught me way back in grade school.and its dark in the halls when no lights are present. But I do not see anyone at this given time. Or moment. Beginning to head backwards toward the elevator everything is eerily silent. And as I reach the perpendicular hall where my room is still located, I can find no remnants or idea if anybody is around. Slowly making my way to the right to the elevator I can hear oddly shaped sounds coming from down the hall and to the left exactly where I am heading. I stick my head around the corner to see what may be up, and what I find makes me pull back and hide. And maybe I am going mad, having finally lost my mind. Delusional. I do have a somewhat family history of mental illness, mostly on my mothers side. Perhaps I am next in line. Around the corner two men stand, one in a doctors white trench coat and the other in some kind of blueishy smock. A patient maybe. And they don't look ok anymore. Seemingly in the same appearance as mr daniels. And seemingly seeing that I am quite new to this ( and do not want to die) I decide to take the other route. I head back and past the office where this all, all of the sudden, happened. And being quiet is decidedly difficult when the floors squeek so adherantly. And Haven not noticed it before it is now so prominent without all the hussle and bussle of everyone running around. Just up ahead and to the right aways, if I do remember correctly, stands a staircase that can hopefully make my way down. And there is no point in trying to figure this all out yet. And in the echoey silence of the stairwell something stirrs. Footsteps perhaps. And so with a deep breathe of sadness. ( and fear) I begin to make my way down.( To the valley below)

lack of #5

and when i wake up god knows where, when, and everything is out of focus. the sweet pugnent smell of disease wafts through the air, i have had the privilege of being here before. and as my eyes slowly begin to come into focus, i find myself in the germ infested filth we have come to call a hospital. and as you may have noticed i have a slight problem with not germs as you may have thought, but the hospitals itself. you also have to admit though, this one is pretty old now. if i do remember it was built in the early seventies. they had one major overhaul in 84 i do believe. but the money lately has just not been there. and the cords an tubes run out of me like a broken down oldsmobile. and the cracks in the windows have outstretched there arms. the fan almost just above me whirr and spin in a quite annoying matter. but the nurses are absent. i can hear them outside the door making there normal sounds as they run back and forth between each and every room. the white paint on the walls are starting to chip, and the floors, i see, have seen better days .  all the beds that surround me are in a most catatonic state as the patients stare at the television, i wonder if they even know that its on at all. as there eyes are unblinking, or it seems that way anyways. i can hear the footprints outside start to get closer, an a young lady nurse walks in and does her rounds of all the other patients. i watch her as she checks the intravenese the trays and hands out some unknown pills every so often.  when she finally makes  her way to me i begin ask her how i  happened to find myself in a place like this. she tells me how someone found me passed out behind some building and pretty beaten up. and her glimmering eyes are in the process of slowly fading. you look tired, she says. and she talks about how i have been here for a night already, and i was brought in last night, but not to worry because its nothing thats all that too serious. some cuts, some bruises but nothing all that broken. and as she walks out she disappears into the white washed lights that don the halls outside my room. i put my head back and look at the ceiling, the lights are buzzing in and out of operation, and the cracks in the tiles are the size of the grand canyon. its quite intricate really, once you start to look at it. as if a whole new world has sprouted out on the ceiling of the hospitals second floor. and i am not really feeling all that tired. so i decide to get up off my feet( i imagine there still working) and take a little stroll around the neighboring halls and maybe visit the food downstairs in the cafeteria. because god knows it doesnt stay with you for all that long. i find myself having a little trouble getting up so i grab the conviently placed cane hanging beside my bed. walking up to nurses desk i let them know i am heading down to the caf and she solemnly moves her head up towards me and nods in a apparent  agreement. and the halls are busy with anticipation. as all the nurses and doctors and people of the dead run,walk and make there way through. but out here the floors do sparkle, the lines on the floor that guide us are more often than not faded and worn out. the walls are peculiarly chipped away at the bottom where i guess the wheels of nameless carts has run a hazard. so i think i may like this hospital, it has a certain charm to it. up aways and around the corner a few people are waiting for the elevator. i take a quick view and we are all sitting, staring for the doors to open. and its kind of odd really, they all look well enough abled(except the woman in the wheelchair) why not just take the stairs, this building only has four levels. so as i give a silent chuckle to myself and make my way to the door situated just about ten or twenty feet from the elevator. walking down the cane i am now using does give me a little difficulty, and maybe the people where right about taking the elevator. and in here it almost seems like i am going down a mine shaft or something. and its oddly calming in here, the hospital i mean, not the staircase. other than my nerves that rest in the back of my head i havent thought to much about what may come when i make my way to the eventuality of the outside world. and i dont think its ever come to this before. i few encounters here and there before but i never found myself waking up in here. as i make it to the main level and start my slow descent to the caf i pass the front doors that lead out. and i pause, just for a second or two. but my nerves rattle around inside, trying to get out. i give off a little sigh and go back on my way. its hard to get over a feeling i somewhat had for most of my life. especially since its been confirmed. and the place is half empty, the people sit staring at the food as they eat in a sort of conversation with a maybe friend, but half of them dont look all that interested in what the other has to say. the people who walk past me leaving are watching, staring, wondering what i may up to. so i decide to get in line because all eyes are all the sudden apparently on me, i guess i shouldnt stand at the door way to long. the people behind the counter are all in the mess running around lazily in a unrealization that its not all that busy. and the woman in front of me is haggling them on details or whatever as she is hunched over holding on to the mace like pole that holds up what appears to be some kind of intravenese. an her face shows her age, and ongoing battles. so i decide to get the clubhouse, and a coffee( of course). as i turn around to take a seat somewhere i get bombarded from little to no traffic, an its hard to get used to this as all the diners and coffee shops in my area or town  is always usually busy. i take a table in the back away from the windows, and it feels quite lonely sitting here with all the people as they have someone all across  from them.  i guess i should be used to it.  buts its not  really something i tend to talk about. and for some reason this place has a warming effect. it probably helps with all the white coats and nurses i feel protected with. but i never had friends in the proper sense when i was young, always felt out of place. as if they never really where my friends in the first place. and the place is starting to get busy, as the sick and diluted swarm in a attempt to push there way through to get the food first. it seems to happen so fast. but i havent really been paying much attention as the time does go quite fast when your all in your head. so it was more than likely a slow build to a convoluted mess. its too bad i missed it. and my legs are starting to lose there balance as i guess i am still a little weak, and tired. well look how this has turned out. the doctors where right all along. and my bones ache, and my legs struggle to get up on there feet. its kind of funny how it just oddly hits you when least expect it. so i finish up the rest of my sandwich as i grab cane and attempt to throw the garbage away. as i make my way out the people are still pushing past me getting ready for the end of the lunchtime rush. i never knew it got this busy. who would have guessed. and as i go i pass the outside doors once again. they still give me a strange feeling at the bottom of my gut. as my nerves start to rack up the so called points as they have a little something to more than likely do with my watery brows. but the doors are creaking open on the surprisingly empty elevator. and so i step in, ready to put this day into the old memory banks. the doors open on the second floor and there are a few people scattered around  waiting for the elevator staring at silvery, scratched, and beaten door reminding at once of the night of the living dead movie. and i imagine its quite tough to move around when you have stuff hanging off of you. entering the room all the other people are sleeping, watching t.v or having quite conversations with loved ones and other family members. i used to have some of those, once just a while ago in a blue moon. and my mom is in a nice town about five hours away called benton. i go to see her whenever i can as she is the only real family i got left. i can hear the people beside me talking about family stuff, getting better and how the flowers surrounding him like a own personal botanical garden. and it starts to smell quite nice in here. as i begin to drift off slowly to  soothing murmurs of loving thoughts and the sweet scent of the outside world without actually being outside. and its nice to fall asleep at once when your not surrounded by darkness. so i cant help but think, everythings going to be more than likely alright.

lack of # 4our

the sidewalks are covered, engrossed in the human filth we try as we might to forget. and the store windows are blinding, as i sneak through the city as if not to get noticed. and the sky overhead is hardly noticeable, as the city tries its best to seemingly hide the outside world. because everywhere you look it goes on forever. the corners of buildings are now filled with fear, and as i stand here  i wonder if this is all worth it. so i have been doing this for years. and maybe its time to be a man. but i dont know, the world seems like such a scary place. and my teeth hurt, as the thoughts move around my head. after about five minutes pass, i think, you know what. this is were i am going to take myself back. than i slowly turn the corner as if in slow motion and the unrepentive fear is lodged deep down in the dark caverns of somewhere or other. in the first time in almost forever. i start to feel good about myself. but the people are still non speaking, as the loneliness still pulsates within. but i try for now to push it down in this triumphant eventfullness in my own literary evolution. and i have a slight problem with walking around not quite sure what to do with myself. because the city is as such a silent mistress, and i tried to make friends once. lets just say it did not work out how i had once hoped. i guess its better off in the aspects of life i tend to attend. that is usually how it turns out i find, as the citizens occupying the sidewalk have the distinct ability to walk right through me. so the windows are a blaze with the reflection of the windows. after awhile though of scanning the city while taking residence in my own head, i figure its about time i  take a sit down and enjoy the scenery while standing still. and so inside the nearby coffee shop(and yes i know i am addicted) i wait in line to order, in the back of my head the fear is subsiding, as i now order my coffee, double double. i head outside to the patio out front, as the city she dont seem to stop moving. the people coalesce and after watching them for a insubordinate amount of time they begin to be quite difficult to make out one person from the next. but every so often there is just enough room to breath. and as i go to take one final sip from my coffee i find it on the ground after taking a dive as if in exhaustion of being so used and recycled. and i look up and who might you think is probably standing there, the most certainly people i have been trying so hard to not to fear. and so, yet again the fear starts to take over. now flash past the embaressment of bullying to some unknown back alley not too far in the distance. but one might just ask how i could have found myself here. well my friend let me shorten that story for you. we  used to have a class or two togethor back in college, he used to copy tests here and there from me because....... well , hes bigger than i am. and when the eventuality of getting caught came to the fore front. i had no other choice but to tell the truth, you know the bullying and all. and with the possibility of getting thrown out for good, that is what i did. so you can guess what happened to him. dont get me wrong, i didnt want to do it, get him thrown out and all. but a hard choice between my future and what would inevitably happen is really not a very good choice at all, but i knew what i had to do was the right thing. and they did punish me, if i remember correctly it was being kicked out myself for a certain amount of time. or something to that order. and in the back alley the light is absent. so i do what any scared dumb kid would do, i went first. and in the knowing of the possibility of an upcoming (and exaggerated) death, who knows what one might do.

a lack of #3

And the darkness vibrates, on the streets of death. As the back alleys are monsters. Awaiting in the corners of nowhere. My breathing is inconsistent and the ground is moving slowly. The buildings build up like towers, and the creatures lay sleeping making rustling noises in the corners of my peripheral vision. As the legs rattle, and my mind begins to be fearful of its own imagination. And instantaneously (and with a pool of sweat) i find myself in my house, on the couch with the white noise of the tv humming throughout the living room. And i cant seem to remember how i got here. Or if the alley was in my head or not. So maybe the fear is starting to maybe take over. I get up wash my hands and take a look at myself in the mirror. I guess sometimes dreams could be the death of you. And as i have already found out, life is kind of the same way. I open up the shades in the kitchen and the sun is just starting to make its way above the mountains, and over the clouds. As the light on the microwave says its only about seven in the  morning. I go ahead and make some coffee and turn on the t.v. In this early in the morning there is not too much on. And in the background i can hear the coffee maker gurgle and churn and makes its way up to the filter above. I open up my laptop and make my rounds of boredom an inconsistencies. And the net seems to be a new disease, a false promise of friends of thousands that u never get to likely see. So if you have a hard time making friends in some non reality, what ( if any) good do you have in the real world. After a few cups of coffee and a hour or so of doctor who or what have not, i find i tend to make my way to the outside world. And the sun shines its way through the concrete mountains in a most illuminous way. As the people dress accordingly, showing as much skin as possible. Naked without actually being. And i dont know what quite to do today, and the flowers outside my block are beautiful.

For a lack of anything else better to say(pt2)

and the buildings are beautiful, and full of life. Everything seems so simple when your staring out a pain of glass, atop the world looking down amongst the insects. But everybodys got to face the truth sometime, or what you make of it anyway. I look down at my empty coffee cup, shake it a bit (in hopes of anymore might be left over) and decide maybe its time to be on my way. I get up off my seat and the streets are crowded. The memory of hiding behind backsides of buildings long gone. But not quite forgotten. And its nice to take a stroll on a sunny day. The wind in the trees as the branches wave back and forth as if in celebration. And the blue sky is burning. As the sun gets buried waiting to rise once more in a couple hours or so. And at this time, i guess its a good idea to start to getting back. My place is not to far away, around the corner around the bend. Just as the city begins to start to disappear in to the blackness of a haunted night. and i get a little paranoid, the bubbles of thought tend to rise up over my head. So i walk a little faster now, trying to make my way back to the origins of this morning. and the clouds seem to succumb to an early death, and the city continues to darken. This is when the people want to come out and play. And as you may or not be able to tell, i am not that well equipped. In the physical sense of the word. And are those the shadows of creatures that lurk in the night. Or is my mind just playing tricks on me. As the peering street lights have a quality to do that to a person. And i have a certain suspicion i am not alone.

the city is a sorry place./bear fur rugg..

The sea is black. and the fog is distasteful. the ground is littered and the people are churning out a slow death in ever record numbers. as the animals are innocent i say. and so lets burn down there houses, and uproot the land. as it gets lonely in here ( with my human condition). so lets get out are guns and do something already. for the fur coats ( and the death of man)

For a lack of anything else better to say

They caught me breathing, the air is still. my arms twitch, and my hands try to wrap around themselves (thumbs out). the buildings replace walls and the walls tower. and i am invisible, attempting or not. its hard to run when your out of breath. as i try to get out of the way of flying objects. even if those might be attached to others. and i slightly move my eyes round the corner to find who might be waiting, watching. i might try to be quiet. all i see now are people walking by inconspicuously, heads down. firmly implanted in mobile devices that make em out like zombies. I decide to continue on my way, roaming my way through the crowd in silence, watching them move in groups. In case i may have to use my feet once more. And the city is cancerous, i can see it spreading. It just so happened on the eastside, slowly making its way through the streets having others (like myself) defend themselves in otherwise some unnatural way. And this isnt the first time. Just an easy target, i guess. And after a something or other amount of time. My feet are sore, my mind drags. I decide to turn my way into a coffee shop up ahead. Order a drink, straight black.And sit outside in the wafting sun as the crowds walk by in a seemingly vegetative state. going back and forth to work, or what have you.

the Pleasures of being Short..

#1

I tend to disappear when things

get rough. I am made out of water

but i am all dried up.

#2

I am his lungs, blackened and

decayd. I am his heart, broken an

in the way.

#3

Listen to me softly, listen to me

sweet. the suns are dancing, an

the trees are asleep.

#4

My love is silent, frayed. But i

love her madly, at least today.

#5

Wait, do you hear that tune. It must

be the day, the day of the moon.

#6

Keep your eyes up,

for the ground

is nowhere

to be seen

#7

And my stomach burns w/

a nauseating chemical called

(apparently) llove..

if (at times) i feel blessed

/On the other hand

death,

or how we might

not somehow

like it.

love it,

might now

sometime,

care.

Off in the distance the phantoms grow

My hands move back and forth like phantoms. and the light of the city is colored in a distinct pattern of visibility. the people move in shadows, and the buildings are fuzzed, blurred and out of focus. My feet stumble as the sidewalk moves in and out of consciousness. As the clutter builds and the stomach turns. Everywhere i go i cant help but fall asleep. the time goes bye in a minut sense of sensibility. and my head hurts, and my arms sag. i can now see my house standing up off in the near distance. and the road goes off to seemingly nowhere, but i cant wait, but to fall asleep. and the hills are heavy, with the mourning breeze.

In the woodss... death takes over

In the woods death takes over. and the trees bend over backwards, warding off the which way i go. I am confused, disoriented, and the ground upheaves itself, bringing about mountains. and i dont know which way is the way. but my hands tremble, as off in the distance shadows appear in and out of nowhere. and home now seems so far away.

Happynesss as a chemicl Inbalance..

My words are

Brok e,

bBroken./

Slight delayy.

Cause my mind

Is clutterd,,

W/not to say.

Untitled//

And life just somehow

kinda happens.

an inconveniencingthought.

or otherwise...

And do trees tend to perspire.

when the grass gets too hot.

uproot there leaves, if

only i could not..

In the eventuality of a hollow death

In the summer daze of Ddeath,

the sun grows weary,

of the people below.

And the fog burns,

as the roads boil. and the forest

is all hollowed out of all the trees. the animals lay bare

(slowly disappearing, )

and what a waste so!

Is it not..

reconstituted death

lets go home o' honey bee. i cant see but dont you mind the grass is long my legs are short. oh dear oh me my house is broken but you dont love me anymore said the hills. the mountains cried that day and the wind is windy and cold. i will sit down beside and imaginate myself without you until the day we die. my arms leak flatulent fluid and my eyes decieve me on a regular basis. i dont mind that you dont lay next to me i can figure out how to love myself all over again. the birds are of in the distance spying on the chickens wondering why they dont escape. the egg scrambled away to find it s friend you say. lets follow him and get hungry as it finds it s way into my sarcofagus. my toenails ache and pain and pull themselves off everynight to go party down the bathtub drain with my dead hair and skin that reconstituted itself into the a more beautiful version of me. the room is clean miss daisy oh, wont you join me inside for tea and stroke my legs for good luck. i bought these glasses in hopes that my iq wont look so stupid to others. i have to say i am sorry my friend but you must be miss informed for i have no friends except for my pool of tears i keep in my bbedroom closest. they are nicely in place in a fishbowl so i can drown myself in my sorrows every night. i am hoping the bathtub wont get jealous since the time it tried to electricute myself. i get down on both knees and pray to it every once in awhile. i am sorry you have to see this but the buttons below my fingers are conspiring against me.

\Untitled...

love,,

like knife.,

smears

madly

from

who.

and

she

said

he

want like

void.

and

always i

 Want

for how

inside the diner the tension grew

inside the diner the people are quiet. the waitresses are dressed in a sort of light blueish smock reminiscent of hospital garb. and the whole place looks oddly sanitized. the people sit in comfort as they slowly talk below there breath. as i continue to stand there for a moment of fleeting confusion. a young girl greets us in a soft subtle voice as if avoiding to wake the dead. she stands in a upright and most proper matter. her hair a sunned down blonde. tied back and with a pair of glasses that appear to be a extension of her face. she points out a booth to the back and to the right. and as i look over the menu i order the breakfast special. as the young lady hovers over us glaring down with a glowing dispositon. i face my way across the table and crack a smile. and i can still remember her when she's young. the older she gets though the seemingly more youthful she becomes. an i find myself just then in a state of almost none existence. my mouth won't open and the words glimmer and fade before they fall out of me in mid air. the feeling begins to dim slowly as i start to ask her how she became to get herself in here. she begins to tell me that after i left the problems i had continued to worsen. as if some bubble had burst and the devil had took housing somewhere inside me. ''you always had that quality about you that made everything just kind of wash away. as if all my trouble s had not been there to begin with. '' i sat there, as the flood gates opened and all the memories past came rolling in with the piled up mounds with disease called guilt. and i had no idea, i made things this way. and again she began to speak. '' i don't blame you though.'' '' it would have came boiling up no matter if you where there or not''. i looked at here trying my best to bring my voice up and over my chest. '' i had no idea. it's all my fault then''. '' i am so sorry. for i have regretted that day every since''. everyday afterwards the thought of you would gather up inside me, trying to spew out as i tended to lock them away''. she looked at me sweet eyed and tired. '' really, believe me when i say it's not your fault''. '' you know the childhood i had, i have never blamed you and i never will''. now please lets forget this drab talk, i want to hear more about you''.and so i began. i told her about my marriage, how it had ended, and my life afterward up until this point. omitting the things i thought to early. and so on and so forth. our food showed and the morning went and turned into the rest of the day right in front of us outside or window. we talked about nonsense and times past. but even then all through the day my conscience still bugged me about the reason i came here in the first place. as my nerves where racked. and my mind fogged.

in the morning the light is stifled. as it tries to make its way through the blinds on the window beside me. i get up and make my way to the living room just outside. i get ready, dressed and suddenly hear the slightest knock on the door. i walk over and turn the knob as it creaks and moans and makes its way open. and there she stood. so beautiful. as her hair huddled down against her shoulders. her eyes a cosmological event. she always had this graceful obscurity to her. something thats out there for everyone and only me too see. as her lips moved the earth shook. ''well good morning sleepy. i thought maybe you would like to go get some breakfast maybe. talk'' . i looked at her with a grin, a smile, and off we went to the diner attached to the main house. as we walked outside through the halls and disappeared in the distance. i continued to ask her what kind of place is this anyway. she gave a little laugh and went on to tell me it is a kind of commune, a hospital, a place for people to come and wind down from whatever troubles they might have.

((part two)#..................................................

the stale air outside is dying, and the temperature drops with every minute the day is dead. i knock on the door and the sound reverberates through the walls and echo's in my heart. and as the door creaks open her face is beautiful. and her scornful eyes are happy. her hair is long and as dark as death. with it down, messy and half covering her face. she begins to ask me what i am doing here. and as i might recall me saying that my heart grows weary. inviting me in i find the rooms are full, and the desk in front lays lonely and full of dust. ''and i am sorry i came so late i had to one last time see you''. she gives me this puzzled look, shakes it off, and tell s me that we should talk in the morning as the night is short. '' the guest rooms in the house in the back if you don't mind.'' i nod and begin to follow her down the dark narrow hallway through the house that has no end. she set s me down and the walls are cracked, and chipping with the green paint that falls from the walls. as the light fictures set the room a buzz. the windows are glazed, and the furniture is set in a somewhat idiosyncratic pattern. a strange smell seems to emanate from the walls. from what i cant seem to tell from what form it came. the rug of a dead bear lay in the centre as if hibernating in the shackles of humanity. and in the back to the right lay the bedroom. i make my way over and turn the lights on. inside the room lay bare. a bed, simple side table, and the same cracks in the ceiling that i saw in the walls before. and a nights sleep right now might be the best thng for me. so i turn myself in. and as sleep comes over and the night grows dim.

rise up my mountains and raise the dead.

as i rise up the mountain the trees grow thick, and the sky goes black. the animals dance on the side of the road as the headlights stare out and over the pavement watching ever so subtle movements. and the shadows fall through the cracks of the oncoming light. the frost outside is taking bites of my windshield. and the smell is aggravating. as the city grows dim. the road ahead is going back and forth and thrown all over. my mind wanders in blank statements of unconscious death. and my palms sweat. as the heaters on. i turn the corner and the lights are off. so pulling in the driveway, i stop, open the door, and hear the crunch of the frost below my feet. the air hits me suddenly and begins to huddle against my chest. making it hard to breathe. up ahead the door is closed. the curtains drawn. and the moon is beautiful. i start up the stairs with a sigh in my chest, a step in my feet. and up ahead she's been dead for years. and years before.

at the end of the night, my hands are dead...

you want

love, that can't

be true.

my heart

is out, and

my hands are

through..

as your eyes

do glow,

(morning dew)

and my

life is over.

when i have

you.

driftawaymysleepless giant...

drift away my

ssleepless giant,

and find yourself

on a sea of silent...

(silence)

fog machine..-

and dance away,,

to the middle grey.

the hapless man

and the perfume cave.

and the days go bye w/death in hand

I am not.

with not him.

day go bye.

(have no whim)

i do think,

for not him.

so lets have not,

to tell 'em..

the unbearable emptiness of being.

my house is a hill. and my feet like mountains. as i climb up to the top every day in and day out. all the while sleeping at the bottom. and as i finally get to the top. i find that the summit is cold, deserted. and dead. and the snow drifts silently in the night.

and this is how i feel everyday i get home. a married man for four years now. even though the last year or so has been, how do i say, distant. living in a home with a stranger i think i might have one time known. and my foot steps echo in the hall ways, bounce off the walls and give me a slight feeling i am not alone. i can feel her warmth next to me as the night makes its way through the room. our conversations are stagnant. and it doesnt seem like she can look me in the eye.

i have tried many time s to surprise her. gifting her when she first get s home. but she is not really here. and sometimes i am not really sure if i am either. i like to walk throughout the city to get away from the mitigated disaster i so reluctantly call home. and the city is a quiet sound. so full of noise. death. and the clashing of emotional opposition.

i can still remember when we first met. so full of love. togethor the two of us fighting off the hazards of the outside world. and everything back then was so colorful. so full of hope. (and destiny). the first time i layed eyes on her i knew one day we would be one. chasing her for as long as i know. and the day it finally came to fruition. and these are my thoughts as i rumble around the city of the dead. the buildings hovering over each other. as coffee shops litter the streets like dead animals. and sometimes i feel all is lost. but i wont go down without a fight.

everyone will eventually someday leave you

leave
with must

sleep by after

but what
will he

felt have
after

less do think

(and run
did he)

hers will hit
in time me.......

sitting on the branches of trees

why would you
gone away

some stare
honey

ache and
pain

has he only,
love like
they

all but
could, weak
with pain...

bitter death...

bitter
death of
men. are
not.

(say)

ask her
screaming
forest

andstill
...

watch the
drooling
water swim
in sea...

Inthegrips of yourSparrowinghands (or excerpts from)

As i look over the man gives me a wink in his all but dead face. his eyes are graves. and his fingers tap on the wood as if i am ever second closer to being on the six o clock news. Outside the sun falls through the clouds and warms the streets. and people do parade in an individualistic stereotype of one another. all is calm. the cold has subsided (somewhat) and the sun irradicates the clouds above. I start off down the street as the storefront windows glisten and glow and call me over. and in the corner of my eye the diner begins to show up. I pause for a bit, mull it over and decide maybe i should stop by for a appearance. Inside the seats are empty, the floors are cracked. and the fans whirrr, hum and try to make their way free. behind the counter a lady stands leaning over and bored. her skin is attempting to drop to her knees. and the sparkle in her eyes are lightbulbs in the process of going dim.

Lets go dancing said the wildflower to the grassroots

lets go inside and find the area of expertise that has self contained itself in order for your wonderful stimulation process. to run through the patterns and i lost my head once. my eyes wont look at me anymore. and my hands change bodily fluids without me knowing. my hairs afraid of itself and my nose keeps complaining about the smell. my heart fell apart and joined my knees. my arms are ugly but my chest disagrees. i have a fine ass my friend just ask my teeth. my eyebrows have rampant discussions with each other while my ears are being cleaned. and did i tell you my back talks behind my back while i am not looking. my chins a feminist and goes to rallies to meet chicks. it brings them home and has wild misinterpretations with them. my bald head is balding and is thinking of and dismemberment plan. my head aches and my eyes are sore. wonderful witty and not withstanding my bottom lip has sexual aggression towards my upper lip.
lets go dancing said the wildflower to the grassroots. we are different but the weather is sure nice and the trees shall be jealous. the orchids are my only friend said the redrose petal to the tulip but be sure i am not not falling for your husband. the dirt is clean i washed it last night. the spoon is embracing the knife you say. lets go claim the bedroom window is having relations with the kitchen whore the coffee table. you see one and most likely you see the other. my light bulbs a genius it can generate its own electricity. lets have it down mister bossman your memory has already told me the facts. my bodies going thru a tough time right now and it would appreciate it if you would apologize.

Outside the lights are damaged, and the people are gone. the buildings are mournful, and the window is fogged up. the apartment inside my house is dead silent. and i 'm lonely, still (and half dead). all the eyes on the outside are on me, the walls are talking. and the dripdripdripping of the faucets driving me anywhere but down. i woke up this morning in a house that isnt mine, the world past my fogged up window is not my own. and i dont know what to do with myself. this life before me was not very prosperous in the first place. so my mind races through the empty rooms and begin to start to make up things on its own. maybe i should venture forth, out the door and into the hall. or maybe i should stay here and wait for this world to end (or start up again) . and so i determine to get up and try my hand at the door that opens to a world that isnt there. i figure, whats the worst that could happen. i might not exist anyways...

In a beautiful lonileness of a hazy dream.

outside the ice is retreating, floating back in the air from whinst it came. and the sky is a darkish grey. the cold emanates my bones and breaks the spirits, but the day has just begun.
my tiny apartment seems to slowly swallow me whole. and i sit on my bed. fully dressed, with my grey suit on. staring at the cracks in the wall. awaiting for the time to get up and go. today is the day of the first day on the job. doing papers and paperwork, watching the people through the windows pass by on there constant attempt at non instability. and just now from thinking about it i am feeling tired. last night was a dismal dream, dreaming of being able to sleep.
and as the clock rings out , calling me to my feet. i slowy get up and differentiate myself from the chair. and so i put my gloves on, open the door, and let in another day. as i walk down the street i find the people are huddled against themselves. their breathe frozen in mid air just out in front of them. and the clouds scatter the sky like a broken windshield. the buildings tower overhead like desolate mountains. and the wind spins through the city freezing everything to the bone.
the city seems quite when in the grips of death. the cars are glazed over skeletal remains. and strange creatures huddle in not wanting to come out. and its wierd how the city works. small villages withen greater cities. where on your street you know most everyone. and i cant help but say hello to the few and far between. and my nerves are racking up like mountains. as the view from here is desolate and lonely.
i have never been the one to make friends, never knew quite how. like some great barrier surrounds me. blocked off from the world. never has stopped me from trying though.
and now its the city that turns a subtle grey, as the fog moves in masking the city in a dull glaze. and everything seems to appear out of nowhere. showing there face shortly while in the midst of fading away. now that i think about it. it almost seems like the ingrediant of life, that everyone will eventually someday leave you.

everywhere i look i find myself staring back

everything is cold in the dead of night, people are wandering the dark corners of the city. afraid to show there faces. the streets put on a different face in the blanket of darkness. the windows are watching you and the buildings are hiding in plain sight. and so i have not too far yet. my eyes scan the far reaches of the earth. penetrating the darkness with closed eyes. and i dont know what might happen, and i dont know how i might fall. and do i see a dark figure by my side. do i see a ghost. so now i keep on walking , just a little faster. and the door up ahead is reaching out for me. but with a quite stint of madness. i find myself pulling open, and fallen through.